My morning did not start well as before I had even left the house I managed to break a plant pot and fall down a set steps
But that's Mondays for you
My own doctor has been out sick for the last month and I was hoping he was still off
Partly because the last time he saw me he said that the next time he sees me he's going to reduce my methadone but mostly because I wanted to see the nice woman doctor that's filling in for him
Just as I sit down in the waiting room and look for something to read I hear my name called
I follow the nice woman doctor in to her office and apologise for being late
I notice she has my prescriptions in front of her already filled
Very efficient
I always make my appointment first thing in the morning so I avoid having to wait and usually my own doctor spends the first 5 minutes turning his computer on
She first asks me how the dizziness is
I am honest and tell her that it has improved
However I leave out the fact that I haven't taken the blood pressure meds she prescribed last week
Bad Ruby
She tells me that my blood tests came back normal
If I were a sane and rational person (and I'm not) I would be happy about this
But part of me finds it disappointing when nothing wrong is found
I guess a part of me wants something to blame this on
And not always believing that I have an eating disorder, I look for other signs for proof
Does that make sense?
Then she asks how my mood is
I tell her that I can't really tell but I don't think it's great
I explain how I have pulled away from my friends and am becoming increasingly isolated, not leaving the house very much
'What do you like to do' she asks
I tell her that I used to dance but haven't done in over a year
I mention that I walk my dogs and I write a little bit
She picked up on the writing straight away and asks me if I have heard of 'The Artists Way'
I have
It's a book written by Julia Cameron
It's a kind of self help book to help you tap in to your creativity
The book was written to help people with creative artistic recovery
It teaches techniques to assist people in gaining in self confidence in harnessing their creative talents and skills
I first heard about the book when I was in hospital the first time
A girl there recommended the book to me but I never followed it up
It's actually the second time in the last couple of days that this book popped up in my life and being a girl that likes to think that the universe sends me signs, I'm thinking of getting it
Nice woman doctor explained one of the exercises called Morning Pages
This involves waking up in the morning and before you do anything else, you take out 3 pages and just write
It can be anything
A stream of consciousness
Nice woman doctor said 'Even if all you write is fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck'
It's not what you write
It's to get all the negative thoughts building up in your head out of your head and on to paper
You don't read it back
You rip it up and throw it away
I really like this idea so I'm going to give it a go
She also told me about a workshop on The Artists Way that's on in my area next month
Another sign?
I like to think so
Nice woman doctor is a breath of fresh air
Usually when I mention low mood, meds are promptly changed and dosages increased
She said that meds do have their place but it's important to address behaviour too
How refreshing
I really like her and her approach
I think with my own doctor I've gotten in to a bit of a rut
As I've said before, we rarely talk about medical issues and often end up talking about random things
I've seen him every week for the last 8 years and the more I get to know him, the harder I find it to talk to him
I mentioned this to my father during the week and he said that my doctor is so used to me and the way that I am, that my behaviour has become 'normal'
That's very possible
I remember at the eating disorder conference my mother spoke about how my disordered behaviour has become normal
And it has
People around me are so used to me being this way, that it's not seen as different or abnormal
So maybe it's the same with my doctor
Maybe he is so used to me being this way that he doesn't question it anymore
Maybe having a fresh pair of eyes on the subject has been helpful
The thought occurred to me that maybe I should change from my usual doctor to nice woman doctor
My doctor is a lovely man and I know that he means well but I feel that me may becoming complacent
I don't know if it makes a difference that this other doctor is a woman and may be more tuned in to the emotional side of things
I guess it was just little things
Like when I was speaking about my mood, she faced me and looked me in the eye and really listenen
My own doctor barely looks up from his computer
I am reluctant to change because he has been very good to me
But is that a good enough reason to stay?
Out of loyalty?
Anyway it's something to think about
What do you think?
If you were me would you change?
I think changing may be a good idea Ruby... you shouldn't stay our of loyalty. I had a few drs when I was younger... I met up with my current dr one day when I had to be fit in for an emergency appt... I kept her, she got me and she still does. I can tell her anything at all:)
ReplyDeleteI hope you find answers :)
I think you should change doctors, because this new nice doctor seems to have some good ideas and a change would be good for you. Your other doctor doesn't sound very engaged or professional. Give nice lady doctor a go. Give yourself the best possible chance Ruby. Hope you didn't injure yourself falling down the steps!
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A
I agree, you should change doctors. Staying with your current doctor out of loyalty wouldn't be the right move. I had the same doctor from birth up until two years ago, and while he's a great doctor for my mum and brother, he just doesn't have a clue when it comes to mental illness. Like you I was reluctant to switch doctors because he'd been so good to us, but in the end it's much more important to get appropriate treatment.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of The Artist's Way before. I lovelovelove the idea of 'morning pages'. It definetely sounds like something right up your alley!
Take care Ruby dearest *hugs*
xxxx
If the only reason that you want to stay with your old doctor is out of loyalty, then this is more of a 'should' than a 'want'. You feel you 'should' stay with him, rather than actually 'wanting' to stay with him if that makes sense?
ReplyDeleteYou need to put yourself first and decide what is best for you, because you're the important one in all of this.
The lady doctor sounds like a breath of fresh air which is nice. She sounds like she is much more 'in tune' with you, and it seems that helps you to be more open and honest with her which is what you need to do to get better. You're right, people do become too complacent, and our behaviours are normalised which makes them so much more difficult to break away from.
Maybe you could do a pros and cons list before making the decision, but I can sense, in your heart, you know what the right move is, what you really want to do.
Look after yourself!
XXX
You, more than anyone in this universe deserves your love and affection. Buddha
ReplyDeleteIf you think this woman doctor with be more empathetic and connect to your illness. Do it! You matter so much. And this illness is taking over your life quite literally.
I will read this book you mention. I am quite creative normally but when in a depression I hit a mental block and I can even type an email or write in my blog.
I hear you when you say you're almost looking for a sign that you've gone too far. That the good luck has to end. But maybe life is giving you a chance. Take it!
Wow, usually doctors don't give out such great advice. i would switch to her. Your old doctor has been good to you, but people change, and the support they need changes too. Besides, it's a business relationship. He won't be offended, and if you need to switch back he will gladly take you.
ReplyDeleteYes Ruby Yes!!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously there are pitifully few GPs who have the insight this lady has. What is most valuable in a GP is the ability and desire to listen to you and not put themselves on a pedestal and talk down to you. This lady doctor seems to know that your problems are more likely to be solved by carefully tinkering with emotional things rather than firinh pill after pill at you.
Your current doc could feel exactly the same as you and feel like he isnt helping you but he cant really say that he doesnt want to treat you, he has to wait for you to make that decision.
That book sounds great, I will have to check it out. Keep us updated on if you get it and find it helpful
xxxxxxxxxxx
Honey, to me it sounds like you own doctor is really gotten used to you the way you are now. There's no question about the loyslty, it's your health darling and you shouldn't "sacrifice" yourself for a doctor. He will manage even without you because there's always patients. But you are a different story, ever thought that your doctor being away might be a sign?
ReplyDeletexoxox
Like you said a fresh pair of eyes can be very helpful, after 8 years it seems you and your doctor are on auto piolet. Speaking of the universe sending you a mesage I had to bring my husband to a new person for his meds who changed a lot of stuff on him and I believe it was a needed push in the right direction. And yes sign up for that program it sounds like something you would love. I can so see you being a peer counselor and I think this class will give you a gentle push ahead.
ReplyDeleteWe're always looking for a scapegoat. Anything to blame except ourselves. ESPECIALLY not ourselves. Fuck, when was the last time an American president admitted he fucked up? The 60s?
ReplyDeleteYES DO IT!
Meds are a crutch to help you through while you replace destructive behaviours and coping mechanisms with ones that don't kill you.
Lol I've done that. I actually did that in an exam. Wrote a swear work over and over and over on the back of the exam paper in Japanese so the observers didn't understand and kick me out.
I would give change a shot. What has become normal for you isn't a life. It's a slow, horrible way of death. Fuck that shit!
Love you Ruby. Sorry I'm not around much atm <3