It's much fresher today with a nice cool breeze
A welcome break from the heat and humidity
I walked up to reception and I saw my doctor in the back room
My heart sank a little as I thought he was back at work
Then I realised he was in casual clothes so I figured he was just calling in
I passed him on my way down to see Nice woman doctor
'Hi Ruby' he said
'Hey Doctor P, how are you?'
'Fine thanks, feeling a lot better'
He has had his surgery but he'll be off for a little while longer
Nice woman doctor was lovely as usual
I told her about my few days away
The ups and downs
She listened and told me not to be too hard on myself
I really struggle with that one
I got home on Friday and I was excited but also extremely nervous to weight myself
I waited until Saturday morning to get an accurate reading
I hadn't weight in almost a week and I was full sure that I had gained
Because I had eaten and not purged
I felt bigger
I felt like my clothes felt tighter
Like I was taking up more space
There was something nice about not having my scales last week
I felt free
Ignorance is bliss
Because I didn't know the number, it didn't effect my mood
I literally measure my worth in pounds and ounces
On Saturday morning I stripped
I had prepared myself for a 4-5 pound gain
I tentatively stepped on the scale
Curling my feet as I always do in an attempt to not put my whole weight on the scale
The little red numbers flashed and finally decided on a number
No gain
Not one ounce
I was exactly the same weight as I was the day I left
Relief flooded through my body
But I was a little surprised
I was 100% sure that I had gained
I would have bet money on it
It just goes to show that I can't trust how I feel
Or even my own eyes
This is quite disconcerting
I have accepted that I don't see a true picture of myself in the mirror
That the only way I can get an accurate picture of my weight is by weighing
When I look in the mirror, I don't see an overweight person
But I don't see an underweight person either
I see a person of average weight
Maybe the higher end of a healthy weight
I think I look normal (whatever that is?)
I'm making a big effort to get out of the house more
I'm aware that being at home alone triggers me to binge and purge
Yesterday I went out with my mother and 2 aunts
Then more family came with their children
At first I was a bit anxious but I soon found myself relaxing
I chatted with the children
I joked with my cousin
I smiled and laughed and it wasn't forced
It seems that the more I socialize, the easier it gets
Who knew?
I have to admit though that my intake is quite limited
And since coming home from Galway I haven't been eating with others
It's like my house is one big trigger so that's why I'm trying to get out and about more
They say that the most dangerous time during depression is when you are starting to come out of it
Suddenly you realise how low you were
How bad you felt
And the fear of going back there
At this time people are more likely to commit suicide
I think that's similar to an ED
The last few weeks I've started to feel better
But I also now realize how sick I am
How I have a long hard road ahead of me
It's quite an overwhelming feeling
And I'm so afraid of slipping again
I have to confess that it did cross my mind to disappear
I felt it was the only way
But of course it isn't
It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem
When I stopped taking drugs, I thought that everything would get better once they were out of my life
But just like an ED is not about food, drug addiction is not really about the drug
It's a symptom of an underlying problem
When I quit drugs I soon found out that there were layers and layers of issue and problems underneath
The drugs were masking these
I found out that I had low self esteem, no confidence, no self belief, self hatred, depression and anxiety
And these things hit you like a ton of bricks once the drugs are gone
It takes time and a lot of hard work to improve these issues
It's similar with an ED
After regaining weight and physically recovering, the real work begins
In our minds and our behaviours
It takes months to physically recover and probably years to recover mentally
My ED is masking a plethora of other issues
The same issues as the drugs hid
And that's the thing that holds me back from recovering
Having to face my demons
Having to look at the parts of myself that I hate
The ideal scenario would be to find a way of coping that is healthy
That doesn't harm me or anyone else
It's funny the things that help get me throught the day
For me my dogs are a huge part of my getting well
I got Honey and Lea 8 years ago from a local shelter
They have saved my sanity over and over again
When I don't want to leave the house, I leave to walk them
When I don't want to get up in the morning, I get up for them
Just sitting on the back step rubbing their bellies calms me down
Walking with them every morning is my favourite part of the day
Another thing that really helps me is listening to the radio
I listen to it in the morning between 9 and 12
I love phone ins
I think I like them because it means I can listen to others talking without having to join in
It's great to listen to if I'm in bad form
It takes me out of my own head
By 12 the day is almost half over and I feel a little better
And of course blogging is a great help
It has also saved my life time and time again
I would be lost without it
What about you?
What helps you get through the day?
The things that help me are blogging... walking/running/jogging... talking..
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same way you have Ruby, once we give up the destructive things we do to mask the pain, that is when the real work starts ... the scary work starts.
Instead of picking up something destructive... I have picked up exercise... for now it is okay but I cannot continue to walk between 4-5 miles everyday, soon that won't be enough... I wonder what would be enough?
Maybe you could pack some food with you and take it outside the house to eat it?
ReplyDeleteThe places where we engage in behaviors most are big triggers. It's definitely hard to overcome that, so I'm glad you're finding a way out of the situation. That's why I think going to college helps with engaging in behaviors for me rather than being at home.
Listening to the radio is a great idea! I like to sing harmonies with the songs that come on, which would definitely prevent me from bingeing.
I feel that way many times too. Sexual abuse wrecks havoc on many areas of your life and even ones you had no idea were touched by it. I want to cling to my ED but life is more worth it. I look back and know I have a long way to go but I've been pulled through many times, Thank God. I know that I can't go back. Seeing that I can be healthy and happy when I was sure I never would be almost brings tears to my eyes. Keep going, Ruby.
ReplyDeleteThings that help me pull through, let's see. God. Without a doubt. Church and praying has been a foundation for me lately with all these changes. I also lift weights, which makes me strong an steel strong. You don't get bulky as a woman either. Boosts metabolism and you lose more fat than running. I eat like a normal person but I have to be okay with that because I look actually pretty tines. It's a mental battle but it's good to push yourself. My other one is definitely the guy I've been talking about. He is my long time friend and finally we sew each other as more than friends. He's so patient and loving and caring and that support makes me want to recover. I don't need a guy to get better but seeing as he's a friend first, I'll take the support. Then music.
Stay positive beautiful. I'm so happy to see you at this recovery path. You're in my prayers. <3
My ED is the cherry on top of a mental illness sundae. I've been incapacitated by mental illness for years, before my ED ever surfaced. But while my ED is the focus, no one makes me talk about everything else. At the same time, I don't think I can recover from my ED without tackling the rest of my issues first/together. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to face it though.
ReplyDeleteWhat gets me through the day... Precious little, honestly. Smoking would be my first answer, tobacco and weed. Blogging. My mum. At the moment sewing's helping to fill some time. But all day long I watch the clock and wait for the day to disappear.
Keep fighting dearest Ruby <3
xxxx
I have tried to explain tht my eyes are broken to people who don't have an ED. I can see other people and see their shape but not my own. It is like I look through a funhouse mirror, but only with my body. I think that is why going shopping for clothes is such an odd experience for me. I go into a dressing room with at least 4 different sizes because I have no perception. It blows my mind when I have a patient who is my ht and wt because I don't believe I look like that at all. The worst part is I never really feel comfortable, I did have one summer that was wonderful. That summer I felt thin. Not pretty but at least thin. I wish glasses would help! I try to force myself to see "me" but its a hard skill to master. Every so often I will have to do vitals on the patients and if the woman is about my size I try to really think about the fact that we about the same size even if I don't see it. I figure it will click one day.
ReplyDeleteHope you've been doing okay over the last few days? Love you Ruby, hang on in there xx
ReplyDeleteWhat would you tell us to do when we're being hard on ourselves? Tell that to yourself and try to make sure you listen to yourself too. You can't tell us what to do if you're not going to set a good example :p
ReplyDeleteI'm SO FREAKIN' PROUD OF YOU for forcing yourself out of situations you know will be triggering and for hanging about with people more. WOOT!
Omg yes that that that. Maybe if looking up the whole hill is too daunting, focus in the meter or so in front of your feet and focus on travelling over that bit? (How I managed to walk up Corstophine Rd every sodding day after school) The next few steps are all that matters. Fuck the rest of it, it will happen when it does. Just the next step and the next. Worry about that. A better moving target than the sodding dumbass weight-games Ed plays with the scale.
Oh, if you like listening to people talk without having to participate you'd love listening to podcasts. I'm slowly working my way through The Shaft (A minecraft podcast) and the MASSIVE backlog of SGU. (Skeptic's Guide to the Universe. It's a science, logic and critical thinking blog. It makes me think SO HARD. I love it and hate it at the same time. They have little game segments in it that you can play along at home, logic guessing game things. I really suck at the Science or Fiction and Who's that Noisy. I'm getting better at SoF though ^.^)
Love you so so so so much Ruby. Imma come to the UK next November. You think you'll be up for hanging out?
<3