I saw Mary yesterday
Things have finally come to a head
I was honest with her and told that I was spinning out of control
That the purging is the worst it's ever been
She weighed me and I had lost two and half kilos since last week
Usually I am quite coy about my ED behaviours but yesterday I just said it the way it was
I don't have the energy to sugar coat the truth
She that it's a choice between life and death
I said that I wasn't afraid of death
That life scares me more
That's when she brought up the 'treatment' word
She asked if I want to get well
I find this question impossible to answer
I do and I don't
I want to but I can't
I want to get well but I don't want to put on weight
I want to get well but...
There's always a but
She asked if I wanted to feel better
I said that I can't remember what it feels like to feel good so I don't know what I'm missing
I've been this way for so long that I don't know what it's like to feel any other way
We talked and talked
Going around in circles
In the end she gave me an ultimatum
She said that she can't continue to see me if I continue on the way I am
She gave me an ultimatum
My first option is that I go to treatment
My second option is that I continue to see her but agree to stop purging and restricting
I guess that there is a third option in there, that I do neither but I don't think I want that
That would be like giving up
So I have to make a decision and ring her on Friday morning to let her know
So this morning I rang the treatment centre
I thought I had calculated the time so that I would ring while they were in group and could leave a message
But the phone was answered on the second ring
It was a voice I recognized but it wasn't Imelda who runs the EDRP (Eating Disorder Recovery Group)
I said who I was and the voice said 'Oh hi Ruby, it's Una here'
Una worked on the ward on the my first 2 admissions
I was glad she remembered me
That I wasn't just another anonymous anorectic
I didn't know what to say or where to start
She asked me some questions
My weight
My behaviours
I said that I was wondering about going back in
'Why now?' she asked 'What's different now?'
All I could say was that I am spinning out of control
Purging umpteen times a day
Feeling like I'm going crazy
She was very kind and said she would speak to the psychiatrist at lunch time and ring me back this afternoon
I felt relieved after the call
It wasn't so bad
I understand Mary's thinking behind asking me to make this decision
I can't go on this way
Every day march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
I am literally going round in circles
My father sat me down last night
I could tell he was frustrated
I can't bear the fact that others know what I'm doing
In my mind no one knows
But in reality they all know
The purging is beyond bad at the moment
Something is going to break, be it my body or my mind
I just can't continue this way
It's a living hell
It's a bad dream that I can't wake up from
Every morning I wake up and dread the day ahead
The only respite I get is when my head hits the pillow at night
For those few moments before I fall asleep I have a little bit of peace
A little bit of freedom
But then I wake up the next day and start all over again
It's not that I particularly want to go to treatment but I have to do something
I guess it doesn't hurt to find out what my options are and go from there
That's all I can do for now
Ps, Apologies for not commenting, replying to comments or emailing back, my head is all over the place
I know Mary asked if you want to get better and that you can't really remember what that is like. Here is what I want to ask. Do you want to continue to feel. As you do right now? Or do you want more moments like this past summer when you felt "better" when you were out with other people? How great did it feel to goof around with your nephew?
ReplyDeleteI was asked once why I sought treatment and my answer was I don't want to feel like this anymore when I know that at one time I felt better. Why stay miserable?
Beautiful Ruby. I'm in such a similar place.... Parallel lives in some ways.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post yesterday that I haven't posted here yet... but now I have two blogs.. One is supposed to be giving hope to others. Ha!. That's such a joke..! My new one is at beautyfromthefire.wordpress.com but I will pob post it here two. It kinda says exactly what you are saying.
Thinkin of you
x
I remember when my therapist told me the same thing last year before I made the decision to go to treatment. It's hard when you're faced with such a difficult decision because you know you can't go on living like this, but you're too afraid of change. I hope things work out for you and they let you know if you can get back into treatment. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteWhatever decision you ring in Friday with, I hope it's yours alone and will make you happy. Just my two-cents, but the times where you've described trying to stop purging on your own, I don't remember it going very well. Maybe some sort of treatment option would give you structure. It's up to you though, dear. I love you so much, and do what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteIt is possible to be feel better again. I swear. Please take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteRuby my love, I am so very proud of you for calling the treatment center, and I'll be proud of you no matter what your decision. Do you think you'd be able to stop purging and restricting on your own, while seeing Mary? I don't mean to sound snarky, but I worry that you wouldn't be able to stop behaviors at home as easily as you could in treatment, which I suppose is true for all of us.
ReplyDelete"The only respite I get is when my head hits the pillow at night. For those few moments before I fall asleep I have a little bit of peace. A little bit of freedom. But then I wake up the next day and start all over again"
I can relate so much to this. It's not living. It's a horrible non-life limbo.
I love you oodles and oodles and oodles. Sending a big bear hug your way <3 xxxx
No wise words of wisdom but I can send you love and hugs and puppy dog cuddles and hope you find a way of regaining life Cxx
ReplyDeleteDon't apologize Ruby... I think admitting that you need to make the step and looking into it is the first step. I want so much for you to be healthy and moving on with life... I have come to feel close to you with our emails... I hope to be able to stay in contact with you ... I will be waiting your decision with the hospital or Mary...
ReplyDeleteGood luck Ruby, I hope you'll get the place and work your way back on this planet. Floating is nice but it's not good.
ReplyDeleteHugs! <3
Hey Hun, tough decision for you, whatever you decide I stand behind you. You are so brave because I know you must be crippled with fear to even consider facing those decision. I know stopping purging is hard particularly alone, I have done it before but it never lasts very long. Maybe it's possible to strike a balance and maybe go into treatment to stabilise the purging for a few weeks and then see Mary at home when the addictive behaviour has been more controlled? Just an idea, limbo space feels safe but it never really is, take a breathe and fight for life Ruby, you deserve happiness and freedom from this crap.
ReplyDelete*huggles*
ReplyDeleteFeeling good will be weird as fuck for a while, but you'll get to like it. (I like being pain-free. It's sooo good!)
Meep, ultimatums are scary. Still, good therapists know when to push. If they didn't push we'd never get anywhere.
Lol, I read that as 'Derp' XD
If you keep up like this you'll be too busy with the Ed to go horseriding D: You won't even be able to SIT on the bloody hayburner! We gotta have a decent ride without you cutting the saddle to shreds with your assbones :p
I hope it's your patience with the ed that breaks first. Laps around the kitchen and bathroom sounds boring as all fuck. You deserve more than this. I want you to know what it's like to not be dominated by this shit. Seems about as do-able as landing on the moon, but you are human and we are tough, resourceful, cunning bastards.
Love you so so so much Ruby. Sending you a billion drizzly hugs from springtime <3