Doctor day
My usual doctor is off again so I saw Nice Woman Doctor this morning
I asked her to write a referral letter to the treatment centre which she did
Everyone keeps asking me why now, what is going to be different about this treatment admission
I don't know quite how to answer this question
All I can say is that I don't know what else to do
Where to go
Out patient therapy is not working
I am getting worse every day
Every day another little piece of me breaks off and shatters
I feel so numb
Can't cry
Can't get angry
Can't even say how I'm feeling
The lights are on but no one is home
I don't even know if I want to go to treatment if I am honest
But what other option do I have?
I remember the first time I went to drug rehab
I wasn't sure I wanted to go
I wasn't sure that I wanted to get clean
But I went because the only thing worse than going to treatment was carrying on the way I was
At some stage during treatment, things began to change and it was the start of me getting my life together
I'm hoping that will happen if I go this time
So I've had to think about what I will do differently in treatment this time
I always struggled massively with weight gain
It's the reason I was discharged on 2 occasions
I've decided not to look at the number on the scale when being weighed
Ignorance is bliss and all that
Also medication
I've always asked for more meds than I truly needed
Sleeping pills
Anti anxiety meds
It's the addict in me coming out
I need to be honest about this
And of course binging and purging
I really need to get on top of this in treatment
Another thing is that I used to spend a lot of time in the smoking room hanging out other patients
I probably need to do less of that and more working on myself
And also I need to try and not let myself get sucked in to ED behaviours by other girls
I need to try and do my own thing and not get in to intense ED friendships
I've always spent a lot of time on bedrest in treatment so I'm going to try and avoid that too
I don't know if these things will help but I think they've held me back in the past
It's not so much going to treatment that worries me
It's when I come home
My house is quite a big trigger and I'm just afraid of relapsing when I get home
But I'm jumping way ahead
I'll cross that bridge when I come to it
I went clothes shopping with my mother and 2 of her friends at the weekend
My mother needed to get a winter coat
They all tried on clothes and I gave my opinion
I was fascinated with how honest they were with each other
When my mother's friend tried on a top, the other friend told her that she needed the next size up
And the friend was fine with that
If someone said that to me I think I would have a meltdown
I wasn't looking for clothes myself but I saw a lovely cream jumper and decided to try it on even though they didn't have my size
We all laughed when I came out of the dressing room and the jumper was swimming on me
Once the ladies had done their shopping they turned their attention to me
They coerced me in to trying on a purple coat
It looked ridiculous on me and I felt so uncomfortable
They all stood around telling me how lovely it looked
I couldn't wait to get it off
Another thing that is playing on my mind is my weight
I am not at a critically low weight and walking in to treatment at this weight is not a nice thought
Even though I know it's not about weight
Even though I know it's more about my behaviours
Even though I know most of the girls in treatment are of a healthy weight
I still feel I need to justify my place in treatment and the title of anorexic by being a suitably low weight
That sort of thinking is messed up but it's the way I feel
I will continue to see Mary until I go in to treatment and will also resume seeing her after I leave
I can't lie
I am terrified
I am terrified of leaving the safety of my ED entering the 'Real World'
I've lived this way for so long
In a prison of food and weight
I don't know how to live any other way
I don't know that normal people do
How they fill their time
What they think about
There will be a huge hole in my life when my ED is gone and I don't quite know how to fill it
What do I like to do?
What will I fill my time with?
What will I think about?
What will be my purpose?
Who is Ruby without anorexia, bulimia and addiction?
I have no idea
My mother said to me that I will die if I don't do something soon
Why doesn't that scare me more?
It sounds like freedom to me
I'm hesitant to write this but I have thought about taking more drastic measures
About disappearing for good
But I just couldn't do that
I couldn't do that to my family
And I guess that's as good a reason as any to stay around
I think all I can do at the moment is try to stay sane and keep my options open
There are other things going on in my family at the moment that I won't write about here but I will say that someone very close to me is going through a very tough time
I want to be there for that person as they have always been there for me
It's a tough road that we are on
But I know that we will come out the other side
I have to believe that
Otherwise what is the point?
This is a very heavy post to read hon. I can't lie, I'm going to miss you, as much as you can miss a person you've connected with through blogging. Those fears of going into treatment are very valid. I've never been in treatment, so I have no idea. Recovery for me has been quite free...but from stories I've heard, it can either be a nightmare or saving your life. I hope the conditions of this place are reasonable and nice, that it feels more like getting better than being force fed and watched every day (idk, I've heard of some bad centers). I think going in at a not-at-risk-weight is a valid thought, and I'm sure terrifying because a lot of people immediately compare themselves to others, but try to remember that health is not totally relative to weight. You can have a normal weight and be dying, you can be underweight and fine. Not looking at the scales is a good thing, even when it's most tempting. After you get out of that routine, it honestly just becomes a number. When you focus on yourself, focus on what you can be without all those things. Maybe what you wanted to be 5-10 years ago isn't the same. Dream new dreams.
ReplyDeleteSorry if that sounds too idealistic or if I have no idea what I'm talking about. For now, I'm proud of this step, I hope it's the right one. I can understand feeling numb, this is all you can do right now. Take care, hon.
Thanks sweetie
DeleteYes, I guess that it could go either way
It will either be a disaster or it could change my life
Obviously I'm hoping for the latter and after all it is down to me
It's in my hands
Thanks for your support x
I think that it's a huge step at all that you're even going. I never went even though I was at a weight for forcible hospitalization. It was just that moment of clarity when I looked in the mirror and I thank God for that. I never worked on the mental things until my relapse now, years later. I was thinking, maybe it would be good to be honest with yourself and write out what you find will be most challenging and then what you will be happy/relieved to not be part of anymore. Then you can keep that paper with you and be genuinely honest with yourself about what you can do now and what you need to work on. I often times find that I want to be good at something and not just good, but the best. Perfect. It was actually last night when I was lifting with a friend and he was showing me single leg dead lifts which are a little challenging due to keeping your core tight in order to balance yourself. I was frustrated because I was teetering around and he said very matter of factly and yet really nicely, "You've never done this before. It's okay if you're not good at it yet." I've heard plenty of people tell me that and I guess I realized finally that that's true and that it's like recovery. I'm not the best at life because this is the first time I've ever done it. :) Struggle is beautiful. Being refined is an absolutely beautiful process. It's awful but in the end, you are a diamond. You can't shine without this. It's impossible. You don't need to be dying to be worthy of help, you just have to be humble and honest.
ReplyDeleteYou know. I hope this is your moment, your anodyne.
You are loved. Hold on to that. Cling to the faith and the hope that you are more than this.
Prayers and lots of love dear.
Thanks Eve
DeleteI really appreciate your continued support and you make some good suggestions
One thing is for sure, I have to do things differently this time
I have to make good decisions that are good for me in the longterm and not what is going to make me feel goo now
I have a lot to think about
I don't want to put my family through this again only for me to give up
It's tough
Hope you are well my lovely x
Good luck Ruby, you are trying something. I think that is a good thing. Going back again and doing it differently sounds like you have learned from the prior experiences. So they have all helped. I am sure this will too.
ReplyDeleteThank you x
DeleteHave you thought that maybe the binging and purging is the habit and the weight gain/loss is secondary? Perhaps that in itself is an addiction rather than an ED.
ReplyDeleteI like your plan on interacting with other patients on your terms. Healthy terms. Set your boundaries and let them be known to the doctors and staff and even the other patients. I like Eve's idea of writing it down and keeping it close to you always. Read it aloud every day or meditate on it every night. You can do this Ruby.
WHEN you are released and WHEN you are feeling at peace with yourself, surround yourself with good people. Create your own circle of friends who will go clothes shopping with you and will tell you the truth, and not just what you want to hear. Accept the struggles of your past but do not let them consume your future. There is no need for you to be a poster child for EDs. You are your priority.
As always, you are in my thoughts.
JJ
You know JJ sometimes I feel like I am the Lindsay Lohan of the ED world
DeleteI seem to crash over and over again
I really appreciate that you believe in me, it means more than you know
I read your email again today and I thought to myself, I want the exact life that you described
I want friends and a boyfriends and a full and rich life
I know it's possible, deep down I do know that
I just have to reach out and grab it
Thank you JJ for everything x
I am pleased for you darling I really hope it goes well xx
ReplyDeleteMe too Rayya, me too x
DeleteI am struggling with the exact same thing right now. Isn't it so strange how we feel like we have to be at a critically unhealthy weight before getting help? I'm so afraid they'll just laugh at me. Even though I know they won't. I know.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any answers, but at least you're not alone. Best wishes to you. Your honesty and bravery are inspiring.
Thank you Kay
DeleteI am glad but also sad that you can relate
A part of me wants to lose as much as I can before going in but as someone pointed out to me, it only gives me more to gain
I'm glad I'm not alone
I hope you find the answers that you are looking for x
I think it would be a great step to try treatment again!
ReplyDeleteEven if you're not sure, getting there and getting some form of help is better than where you would be without it.
Will you be able to post at all?
Yes, I could bring my laptop with me but to be honest I don't know if I will
DeleteIt would be a major distraction and I need to be so focused
I haven't decided yet but I will let you know
If I don't I will give anyone who wants it my number and we could text maybe x
Super proud of you and sending you lots of hugs and puppy love Cxx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much C
DeleteBig hugs right back atcha x
I'm so proud of you for asking the doctor to write a referral. Even though you feel uncertain, you're still pushing ahead and doing what you gotta do. You're going in forewarned and forearmed; you know what to expect, and what you need to work harder on. It sounds like you really need to focus on you and you alone, regardless of the other patients.
ReplyDeleteI find it bizarre observing other people shopping. I never try on clothes when I go. I buy the size that I think will fit, and try it on at home. I can return or exchange it if it doesn't fit, but I can't deal with trying anything on in store.
Ruby is far more than addiction and diagnoses. I mightn't know in-depth who she is, but I know for sure there's more to you than this.
I love you, I'm keeping you in my thoughts as always. I'll reply to your email in a moment <3 xx
I have to do something Bells, I'm just not willing to live this way any longer
DeleteEverything is such an effort
Everything is too much
I know that you understand
Thank you again for your beautiful gift
Love you too sweetheart x
I am so proud of you for making this choice to do something, I feel for you Ruby...
ReplyDeleteI know I don't have ED but mine was the excess weight and the other things... I took control 15 weeks ago... I have never been happier about that decision... The other issue, I have put on the back burner... I am not letting it derail me...
I am happy for you Ruby, I know it will be a very hard road for you, it won't be the least bit easy but I think it will be wonderful for you ultimately :)
I am so glad I met you here :)
I'm so glad to have met you too Launna, you are a special lady
DeleteThank you for your continued support, it means a lot x
I was thinking about you yesterday morning, and I was surprised to see this post.. I know you wonder who you will be without the ED.. Without the addictions, and I think maybe without those things pulling you down, you will be able to see the wonderful, kind, amazing person that you are.
ReplyDeleteYou are the only person that I feel like understands that people with ED come in all shapes and sizes, and you made me feel less ashamed of my own problems.. Knowing that someone understands that even fat people can have an ED made it easier for me to talk to people like my husband about my problems.
I may not be one of those who comment on posts cause often I don't know what to say, but some of your posts have helped me a whole lot. That said, don't take your laptop with you.. Put blogger behind you and focus on you, your health - your future.
So dearest Ruby, thank you. I wish you the best, and even though the road will be though I really believe that you can do it.
Take care of you <3
Wow Kitty!
DeleteI had to red this comment a few times
Thank you for such kind words, they mean more than you know
Us older girls with EDs are in the minority and I guess we need to stick together
Thank you so much for your well wishes and for believing in me
Hope you and the baba are doing well
Take care of you too x
I think it's great that you are taking steps to get yourself back into treatment. It sounds like you are right - outpatient is not working and you are being realistic about your health needs. Best of luck, I will always be rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Kaylee x
DeleteIf you want to give it a whack rather than continue dying by inches, that' a good thing :)
ReplyDeleteYessss remember where you got hamstrung in the past and do your damndest to avoid it, ok? YOU should be the most important thing on your mind there.
Yeah, log the problem and put it aside until it's time to worry about it. Focus on the jump infront of you and not the ones halfway down the course.
I'm like that with clothes shopping, too. Brutally honest. Shop people don't like me much XD I can see something lovely on a hangar and know it'll make my hips look like a cows. (Girnormous, blocky an dundefined) or make my boobs look like lolo ferarri's. AND I'LL SAY SO. I'll also say when something is a gorgeously flattering cut but the colour looks all wrong on the person. And the other way around. If it looks lovely on you but makes youf eel weird, don't get it. If you're uncomfortable in it you'll never wear it so don't waste the money :p
That's teh ED talking to you in combo with the medical system only having the resources to treat people when it's literally do-or-die. For you it IS do-or-die, the internal and mental damage is piled close to breaking point. I can seriously see you as a kick-ass warrior for ED Awareness when this shit isn't sucking all your life up.
Please don't off yourself, Ruby. Don't give up fighting for yourself. Please. I'm fucked if I know what normal people do, I read fanfic and knit and play silly games and generally bugger around the house. Do hobbies appeal? Ooooh you could do correspondance study and work at a local dog rescue? I dunno, you're going to get to find out who you are for real and what you like to do.
*Hugs you tightly* I just don't want to lose you. I'm being selfish coz I love you to bits and I want you around. I want you to be alive and happy and doing thing syou enjoy instead of being stuck in ED hell.
I found this song via a Transformers Fanfic, and I sing it in my head at Asshole Workbosses and the brainspaz too in my stronger moments. It might work for you and the ed too? "while you were busy destrying my life what was half of me has become whole"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXSzioznrdg
I dunno. I just love it. That and 'Center of the sun' by Conjure One are my themes right now >.<
Thank you ^.^ You'll have to come see it for yourself one day. (Don't listen to Billy Connoly, he just hates the weather). There will be more photos for you soon, the garden is making progress!
Sending tons of love your way too, Ruby.
Don't worry Peri I won't be doing anything drastic, it's just the way my head is
DeleteYes, I wonder what normal, sane people do
It seems most get married and have 2.4 children etc
I don't know if that's the life that I want but I sure as heck don't want this one
Gosh I don't know if I could handle that much honesty right now but maybe someday
Keep hanging in there Peri
Love you x
Ruby you have the fight in you to get better you just need the oppertunity. Focus on your problems andbehaviors and not others. This is the time to be selfish. You like making lists, try making recovery lists. What holds you back? Where is your routine at home and how will you have to change it? As for your purpose and what to do with out ED killing all your time I had an idea. I foster dogs for a rescue group right now and love it. One of the othr girls also works at our local animal shelter and told me the are always looking for volunteers to just play ans interact with the animals. When she told me that I so thought of you! Now I don't know if there is anything like that near you but if not I am sure some dog owners would love to have someone come over mid day to walk the dogs, just a thought. Believe in yourself!
ReplyDeleteThat's funny, I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday
DeleteShe volunteers at the local shelter and I was asking her if they need foster families
I would so love to do that, it would be amazing!
I guess I won't apply yet as I need to do the treatment thing first and get in to a good place
But when I come home it will be high on my list of things to do
You are right josie, I am thinking of ways to help myself, what I need to change, what supports I need to put in place
I actually feel motivated would you believe?
Thanks for your continued support x
This is such a strong and brave post you've written Ruby.
ReplyDeleteWhatever happens, please fight for your life. You are so precious, and worth so much. This can be the start of your new life, and I can't wait to find out who Ruby is without any of these illnesses holding her back. How exciting!
I'm here for you, and with you in spirit, every step of the way xx