I had my last appointment with Mary yesterday
I am officially discharged from that service
No more Mary
She wished me luck
She said that she had every confidence in me
Before I left she gave me a huge hug
I probably won't see her now for a few months but I said I would stay in touch
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday
My Dad and I were looking at a photo on the internet and he commented that this particular girl was thinner than me
I didn't show him but I got so angry
I wanted to hop the laptop off his head
I went in to the living room and cried tears of pure temper
I was angry at him
Angry at this bloody ED
But most of all I was angry with myself
I have never felt so big
The thought of walking in to hospital at this weight is soul destroying
Even though I know it's more about my behaviours than my weight
Even though I have never been so disordered
I still feel that I'm not sick enough
Not worthy of a place in treatment
If there wasn't so much on the line I would be running in the opposite direction
I would be telling everyone to stick treatment up their ass
I would be running in to the open arms of my ED
But I can't do that now
I know that's just the fear talking
Not at the eleventh hour
I would be letting so many people down
And most of all I would be letting myself down
I guess I am just afraid
Terrified
I am venturing in to the unknown
In to recovery
I have to keep telling myself that all I have to do is give it a shot
If I don't like it I can always go back
My ED will always be there but recovery might not
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain
This will be my last post for a while
I don't know when I will post again
Maybe at Christmas when I am home for a few days
This isn't goodbye
Not at all
More like see ya later
I started this blog just over a year ago after reading blogs for quite a while
I had no expectations when I started
I just wanted to write and connect with others like me
Overall this blog has been a positive thing in my life
There are some negatives and I will have to look at them but for the most part it's been good
I've met and befriended the most amazing people
I've had the privilege of following your stories
Of being part of your lives
We may all live in different countries and may never even meet each other
But we are all bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We are a bit lost
We fight a daily battle
Sometimes we win
Sometimes we lose
But the important thing is that we keep going
We keep hoping
We share our experiences so we don't feel so alone
And in the hope that maybe we could bring some comfort to someone in the same boat
We feel a pain that it is almost unbearable
We put ourselves, our bodies and our minds through hell every single day
But it is because we feel this pain that we are able to empathize with others
We know because we live it every day
I want you to know that it doesn't have to be this way
There is a way out
I truly believe that
I don't believe that our EDs ever go away
It will always be there
As I've often said before, I compare my ED to taming a wild animal
I can train the animal and manage the animal
But there is always the possibility that it will bite
With determination and hard work we can tame this animal
We can live our lives on our own terms
We can follow our dreams
We can learn to like and even love ourselves
We can be the people that we always wanted to be
We can do the things that we always wanted to do
It is possible
I just know it is
Please take care of yourselves
Please stay as safe as you can
I won't be here but I will be thinking of you and sending love your way
This is Ruby over and out
See you on the flip side
Your friend,
Ruby x
Oh, I'm going to miss seeing your posts pop up on my blog roll. I may creep back here to re-read things. I know that you're going to knock down so many obstacles once you get comfortable, I can tell you have a fighting spirit. I wish you all the luck and love in treatment, make the next few months the best you've had in a while. Of course it will be hard, focus on the big picture and the positive little things. Find a corner in that little coffee shop that becomes your own. Write thoughts for us to read when we see you on the flip side.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much dear, I wish you all the best. If there's a way we could contact you or send letters, email me at prettysmilesfakelies@gmail.com? Take care hon.
Ruby, I am going to email you tonight but hang in there. As you said, it's the fear talking and trying to take charge but remember WHY you are doing this and how utterly fed up and despairing of your life as it stands. It can be different and treatment will hopefully set you up to start walking down a different path, and one that is much happier. I shall email you later but just wanted to quickly post here in case you don't get my email for a while. I know you can do this and will be thinking of you lots. And I bet every single person who enters treatment has the same "I'm too big" fear. Every person in treatment will be worrying about a new person coming in because they "feel too big to be here and what will the new person look like and what will s/he think of me being here when I am so big"...it's all ed talk. You are going there because you need help. End of. Anyways, big hugs and a big schnuggle from my little puppy Cx
ReplyDeleteRuby, I'll miss your blog and I wish you strength and patience. I hope to see you in my feed in the future! Much love
ReplyDeleteGood luck, Ruby!!!!!!! I have every faith in you - you can do this! It isn't easy but as someone on the other side of where you are now, I can tell you that it's absolutely worth every bit of fight, every gradual inch of traction you can gain.
ReplyDeleteIf you can email, or post your address before you go, that would be great, so that we could send letters or cards - if not, then I look forward to your checking in around Christmas.
Much love, and I will keep you in my thoughts xxxx
This post almost made me cry. You are such an amazing person, and I am so glad that I got to know you a little bit through your blog. I will definitely be emailing/writing! I am so thankful for blogs and being able to connect with other people who are going through the same struggles as me. It's like a breath of fresh, clean air.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your anger, your fear. I know.
And I'll tell you again, even though I know it sounds ridiculous, but you are so strong, Ruby. You can do this! We can do this!
Good luck Ruby! It's coming up on almost a year since I started blogging and yours was one of the firsts I started reading. It's such an amazing thing to see you giving this another try. You can do this. You are strong. Don't let fear tell you that you aren't. Don't let your ED tell you that you aren't enough or strong enough. I'll be slipping in prayers.
ReplyDeleteTons of love and tons of hugs!
Oh Ruby dear, I am going to miss you so much. I have absolutely loved following your blog for the past year. I've watched you become such a strong, beautiful soul and I am sooo proud of you for giving treatment a try. Keep in mind that you are doing this because of your behaviors, not your weight. I wish you the best of luck and I'm hoping we can write each other. Lots of love my dear.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Ruby, I wish you all the best. I'm going to miss you so much. I know you're afraid, but you're a strong woman, and I'm so glad that I've gotten to know you over the past year. I'll be sending letters and cards. Take care my dear, and good luck. Lots of love xx
ReplyDeleteHi Dear Ruby,
ReplyDeleteYou said I could have your address so I could send you something. Could I get that from you now please?
Love to you
Gel
Good luck starshine, I hope the time between now and getting to treatment aren't too horrific for you, I love you lots, I believe in you, you're one lovely person who will be getting more cards and letters of encouragement than Father Christmas will wish lists , take care and keep going, and hear from you soon, from what I hope will be a more peaceful happier ruby head place :) xxxx
ReplyDeleteDear Ruby, I will miss you! I love reading your posts and your comments are always so kind and inspiring. I hope you return to us a healthy weight AND happy about it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you! It's so hard, but it's worth it. Will be praying for you! You can do this! You deserve health and happiness!
ReplyDeleteGood luck Ruby, concentrate on yourself for awhile. I don't know if you have ever heard the saying "going balls to the wall" it really makes no sense but it means give it all you got. This is YOUR TIME! Can't wait to get an update.
ReplyDeleteThank you, and good luck. The world is yours if you want it.
ReplyDeleteRuby, I know you will do well, I will email you and catch up with you, I wish you the best girl:)
ReplyDeleteGood luck, Ruby. You deserve this help and to get better, I hope you can see and believe that. Stay strong x
ReplyDeleteRuby, I've been following your blog for months now. I just wanted to tell you, you are amazingly strong (I know that's hard to believe sometimes) I know you'll do great things. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFucking hell, that comment from your Dad was uncalled-for. If he EVER does that shit again tell him just out unhelpful and triggering comments like that are.
ReplyDeleteDoucheCANNON.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU! Best of luck for the IP skirmish against the headmonsters *huggles*
Just wanted to drop in and let you know I am thinking about you! When you come home you will see how we all missed you!
ReplyDelete