For you

This week has been hard
On Monday when I stocked up on my meds, I took a handful of them in a bid to escape reality and get out of my own head
I remember nothing about that day other than my mother being really annoyed with me (and rightly so) and spilling endless cups of tea
I woke up on Tuesday morning with a foggy head
I checked my meds to see how much I had taken
There were 6 sleeping tablets and 6 anti anxiety meds missing
I also had mysterious burns on my legs
I hate that I worried my mother so much
I hate that I am doing this to myself and my family
It felt like I had hit a rock bottom
My self worth was at an all time low

I woke up on Wednesday morning determined to turn things around
I arranged to meet up with a girl that I was in treatment with
But even leaving the house was a massive deal
Dressing was difficult
And I was anxious about driving my new car
What if I crash?
What if I leave the cooker on and the house burns down while I am gone?
What if I can't cope?
What if? What if? What if?..........

Anyway I managed to leave my house and set off
It was lovely to see my friend
She is doing great
Now she struggles but she is not letting her ed win
We had a great chat
We talked about how our eds stem from negative core beliefs
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not pretty enough or thin enough
I'm not enough
I felt so much better after speaking to her
You know the way negativity can rub off on you?
It seems that positivity does too
As the saying goes 'You are the company you keep'
And in case you're wondering
I didn't crash my car
I didn't kill anyone
And the house didn't burn down while I was out
Go figure.........

Today I met another friend
She also has an ed but is doing very well
I haven't seen her in quite a while and as she talked I couldn't help but feel a little sad
She told me about the concert she had been to at the weekend
The new guy she was seeing
I was so delighted for her but I also felt upset for me
I guess comparing myself to her it emphasized hoe small and limited my life has become
And all I have to show for it is an emaciated body
I want what she has
I want to want to live
I want to be going to concerts and meeting new people
I want out of this shitty way of life

I had a very honest chat with my mother at the weekend
We spoke about my life and where I've ended up
It seems that the older I get, the harder things become
I remember when I was a teenager I was fearless
I didn't have the fear and anxiety that I have now
I'm sure I had a bit of anxiety back then but it didn't stop me living my life
Nowadays even the smallest task seems insurmountable
I have very little self confidence
If I have to make a decision, even something small like what type of bread to buy, I just can't do it without running it by someone
I have no confidence that the choice I make will be the right choice
I'm so afraid of getting it wrong
Here is an example.....

When I was looking for a car I had narrowed it down to two choices
One was an automatic
The other a manual
The decision about which car to choose drove me damn near bananas
I asked everyone and anyone what they thought and which would they choose
I knew that I preferred the automatic but I wanted to make the right decision
After some deliberation I went for the automatic
But I was still so afraid that I had made the wrong decision
I needed so much reassurance before I finally accepted that my own decision was the right decision

This week has given me a glimpse of what my life could be like without my ed
I saw that I have friends
Friends who like me for me
Not for what I look like or what I have
I'm still quite surprised when one of then wants to meet me
I think to myself 'Why do you want to see me? I'm not a good friend or a good person'
But they do want to see me
Because I do have something to offer
Because the like me
Why is that so hard to accept?
Maybe because I don't like myself very much, I struggle  to accept that others like me
I feel like I am a burden to my family and friends
That they would be better off without me
But as my mother said to me recently
There is only one of me
I am irreplacable
I'm an important part of my family
Yes, I am not well
But I am not a burden
I'm not dragging people down
I'm ill
I'm not a bad person

Today I just wanted to remind you of this
You are important
You are unique and special
No one can take your place
There has never been anyone like and there never will be
You are worth it
You are worth getting well
You don't have to punish yourself
You deserve to nourish your body and allow yourself to eat
Please don't forget that
I am saying this as much for myself as I am for you
God knows we have suffered enough
We deserve to be gentle and kind to ourselves
It's not selfish
It's not self centered
It's taking care of ourselves
Putting ourselves first
Because we matter
Because we want to live