It's ok not to be ok

Following my post titled Anybody out there? I received a few emails from bloggers who have stopped blogging or deleted their blogs
Many had stopped blogging because they felt blogging was helping them
They felt it kept them completely locked in to their eating disorder
Although I was sad to see them go, part of me was happy that they had identified that blogging was not a force for good in their lives and wanted to  move on
I can relate to feeling this way
I am blogging almost 2 years now
In the beginning it was a really positive thing in my life
I had isolated myself so much from the real world and I was incredibly lonely and sad
Blogging opened up a whole new world to me
One where I could talk to others in the same position as me
Back then there was a real buzz about blogger
There was a thriving community and it was really exciting to be a part of it
This changed over time though
So many people have come and gone
Often without a word of why they were stopping blogging

I've written about this before
How I'm not sure if blogging helps or hinders me
There is no question in my mind that there are positives to writing
But there are also many negatives
I spend so much time thinking, talking and writing about my ed
I know that I want to recover I have to replace my ed with something more constrctive
But the thing is that I don't know if I can recover
I don't know if I'm strong enough
I don't know how I'll cope
I don't know if I want it enough

Having an ed is like having a bully take up residence in your head
She constantly puts me down
She tells me I am weak
I am a failure
I am fat
I'm worthless
That I have nothing to offer
That my family would be better off without me
There is an endless negative commentary running in my head 24 hours a day
It's exhausting
It's draining
It's utterly soul destroying

I do believe that people can and do recover
But I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me
I look in the mirror and I see an old woman's face
Tired
Grey
Withered
It's frightening

And it's not just me that this cruel illness effects
Like ripples in a pool, it effects everyone around me to varying degrees
My mother has started attending a support group to help her deal with it
I forget sometimes how hard it is for my family
I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to witness someone you love slowly kill themselves
I know that I couldn't handle it

I feel quite beaten and broken at the moment
I just can't seem to get out of my own way
My hope is dwindling
My belief in myself is at an all time low
My faith is non existent
This may sound like I am giving up
And in a way I have
I'm just so tired of fighting this demon
Day in day out

Apologies such a depressing post but I have to be honest and tell it as it is

I thank God for my two wonderful dogs
They have saved my life over and over again