That was up until this week
I haven't been weighing myself but I saw Mary yesterday and she weighed me
OK so it is not a massive amount but it's enough to make me feel like a beached whale
Even though logically I know I am still underweight
Even though all my clothes are small sizes
Even though I feel like crap a lot of the time
I still feel huge
That's one of the most cruel things about this illness
We never get enjoy the thing we crave the most because we never believe that we are thin enough
I am at the weight now that I wanted to be a few months ago
But as soon as I reached it suddenly it was too much and it was on to the next target
And the next
And the next..........
It's never ending
It's a moving target
The weight gain is changing things here in eating disorder land
I have a huge urge to restrict
A huge urge to lose this weight and more
At the moment I can't see beyond my ED
I can't see past it
I have no interest in anything
Food occupies my every thought
And I'm struggling to take my meds properly
I'm overusing them again
It's the only relief I get from the constant negative thoughts
I'm not sure where to go from here
I cancelled 2 appointments with Mary already
I just can't see the point of going any more
When I am with her I nod and agree and commit to changing
But once I am out the door it all disappears
Today I have desire to get well
Maybe that will change tomorrow but for now it is what it is
I know I'm probably feel this way because of the gain
I know it's a knee jerk reaction
I know that I will get over it
Eventually
I was wondering about you
How have you dealt with weight gain?
Does it get easier?
I would love to know
The answer to your question is yes but there's a but. This is how I did it and I've been pretty healthy now for months and happier as well. At first, it was terrible. I knew I wanted to get better but my mind was a mess and my emotions were all over and the self-talk was still very hateful. I slowly let go of restrictive behaviors and slowly began changing my self talk. This is tiring because you have to constantly be vigilant to your automatic thoughts and you have to challenge them. Line any exercise, this gets easier over time until it's no longer there, thank God. Then I began eating fear foods in moderation, doing work out activities I enjoyed like weight lifting, and then had to deal with the hunger and needed calories that come with lifting. My body became strong and lean, my mind and confidence became stronger, and finally, I didn't hate myself. Then I got on the scale. I was up 30 pounds. My trainer told me that it was muscle and did the body composition tests to prove it. My friends said I looked 130 max and I'm 5 foot 8 so I'm a decent height. Now I feel sort of prideful that I'm 160 but look 130 because of all the muscle. It's different for everyone and that's my story but I had to be active in my recovery. It doesn't get better unless you do the work and you rely on safe people and you challenge it head on. The issues have to be unconverted and it's hard. It's worth it though. Lots of love Ruby.
ReplyDeleteThanks Eve for this, it was really helpful
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that stops me from getting well is weight gain
I'm glad to know that you have been through this and come out the other side happier, healthier and stronger
Lots of love to you too x
This is a tough one, most definitely. It's something I'm struggling with just a bit as my weight slipped a tad and I have to gain it back. What I've found in the past is that my knee jerk reaction will subside if I can just get through ~3 days of powering through my mealplan. Like, if I can white-knuckle just the status quo for a few days, it seems to ease after that and I feel less panicky about the gain. If I start restricting because of it, game over, the cycle starts all over again. Such a tough spot, and I'm sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way. I know it hurts a lot. But you deserve to be free from this ED monster. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks Alie, I know that you are going through this too
DeleteYou are working so hard and that will stand to you
Keep fighting the good fight and take care x
I wish I could tell you it gets easier and I am sure maybe pushing through 'safe weight barriers' makes it initially harder but then easier because its no longer your measuring stick any more. When I was in treatment (worst experience of my life caused a lot more food problems and emotionally problems, for 8 months as an inpatient) it was 1kg gain a week with very strict rules, so no one could avoid weight gain and if you didn't gain every week the required amount bed rest and more food and more observation. I found it oriole because I hated the weight they got me too and ended up feeling filthy and dirty. Anyways my advice to you my darling is 1) to understand when you have been b/p your. Body is like a wilted plant and has,to go through rehydration on a certain amount of calories this will and does stabilise for 2 weeks, Mary can probably tell you this is anywhere between 4-7lbs, sounds like the end of the world but it isn't in hospital I went through rehydration and did stabilise. 2) once you stabilise and are properly hydrated you will be able to control weight much easier because the body isn't craving vital fluids and you will be in a much better position to find your maintenance level and then when you are ready very slowly increase at a pace YOU are comfortable with. I know no amount is comfortable but slowly and steadily on your terms is better than under duress. 3) make your life full of happiness, try hard to distract yourself. I am starting my two weeks tomorrow, scary stuff. Being happy and enjoying life as best you can will help with the weight gain, I was hyper anxious when I was in hospitable because it was all taken away from me, in 4 walls with nothing to enjoy. Long post! Sorry darling but I hope it helps. I know it's easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteP.s. remember everyone's weight can fluctuate day to day, I tell myself this things like salt, water, heat in body all effect it. Most people we know will fluctuate in weight by 2-4lbs. They are just not checking all the time like us! Xxx
I've never had to restore from a really emaciated state, so I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI'm ok with gaining muscle mass, but not fat. I'm less anxious about a gain if I know it's from building strength.
Ed never shuts up though. Never. Not until your brain stops functioning and you heart stops beating.