Alive and Kicking!

Thanks for all your feed back on my last post
It was really great to get all your opinions
The common response seemed to be that this is my blog and I should so with it as I please
I've thought about this quite carefully over the last couple of days
And I am grateful to this reader for bringing this to my attention as I really hadn't given it much thought

I've always written my blog for me
As a way to make sense of the crazy world I live in
I don't censor it
I've always written my blog as if no one reads it
But they do
And quite a lot of people do read so I guess it's good to be mindful of that
My family knows about my blog
I know my sister in Australia reads it (Hey sista!!!)
I let my family read my blog sometimes
And my mother has even done a couple of guest posts
I have absolutely no problem with anyone reading my blog
I know a couple of friends have stumbled across my blog also

In life I am quite an open person
About my eating disorder and my past addiction
I will talk about it to anyone who wants to know
I feel no shame about where I have come from
My life has not been normal
It's hadn't been smooth sailing in any sense of the word
Maybe I am so open because my family talks about these things
And most of my friends are recovering addicts/ or have eating disorders so I talk  very candidly with them
We talk about addiction the way most people talk about the weather

But as regards to posting photos of others
I will take care of ask their permission in the future
I forget that other aren't as open as me

This blog has been on a massive journey
As have I
It started out as something quite unhealthy
I wrote about fasting trying to lose weight
But over time it has morphed in to me trying to get well
For a long time I didn't want to get well
I was pretty content to live with my ED
But as the purging got worse, life became unbearable
I was purging 10 -20 times a day
As I always say, I literally had a path worn from the kitchen to the bathroom
I truly do not know how my body withstood the abuse I put it through
I don't know how I am still alive

I spoke to Mary this morning on the phone
I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and now won't see her until next week
My psychiatrist is being changed so I have a family meeting next week to check on my progress
My new psychiatrist will be there
My doctor and Mary
And also my mother
I have to admit I hate these types of meetings
Everyone talking about you like you're not in the room
Trying to find positive things to say
It makes me cringe
I will go though
Out of curiosity if nothing else

I was supposed to see Mary today but I cancelled
Why?
Because I don't want to be weighed
The gaining seems to have stopped
And I think I might be losing again if my clothes are anything to go by
I just don't want to know the number
The numbers drive me mad
Knowing the number has a profound effect on me
I give it far too much importance
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
It goes down and I spin in to euphoria
So I think it's best not to know
I'm not too uncomfortable with my body at the moment
But that's because I know that I am still underweight
As soon as I reach the healthy range
That's when I panic

My mood continues to be stable
I feel quite positive and hopeful
I haven't felt this way in years
Do you know how much of a revelation this is?
Do you know how much it means to me not to want to die all the time?
It means more than I can describe
More than words can say
I wake up now and I don't dread the day ahead
I don't count the hours until I can go back to bed
I go out more
I see my friends
I get to the odd meeting
I talk to people
I make an effort with my appearance
I have more showers (Because when you are depressed showering just isn't a priority)
I'm not in a state of constant fear and anxiety
And best of all the purging has markedly decreased
From 10 - 15 times a day
To once or twice a day
The aim being to stop completely

Of course things are not perfect
My ED is still very much alive and kicking
And I do have to make an effort with all the things I just mentioned
I still have bad days
Days where I don't want to get dressed
I don't want to face reality
And I still mess around with my meds a bit but I am trying to work on that
I still have issues with money
But my quality of life has improved
And in turn so has the lives of those around me
It has a ripple effect

It's a beautiful day here today
I'm going to walk my dogs and hope and pray that this good spell lasts

Much love x