ED

I've written a lot over the past couple of weeks about how things have improved for me

And they have

I am so grateful for that

But everything is not perfect

The purging has gone from 10 - 20 times a day

To 1-3 times a day

This is a vast improvement but Mary says that it is still too much

I have to admit that there is a part of me that is reluctant to completely let go of my ED

It's not that living with an ED is particularly good or fun

It's a nightmare most of the time

The anxiety

The depression

The negative health effects

The isolation

The constant fear

The eternal loneliness

The emptiness of living this way

Even with all these horrible things

I am still clinging to my ED 

It was a similar situation with my drug taking

The life of an addict is pretty pathetic

You wake up

Try to find money

Take drugs

Go to bed

Wake up

Find money

Take drugs......

Every day is the exact same

It's like Ground Hog Day

But even though I living this nightmare I still had reservations about stopping

People think that the problem is the drugs

And it is

But it's more about why you take drugs

What you are running and hiding from

People think that once you stop taking drugs

Then  that is the problem solved

But it's only the beginning

Once you are clean, then you have to face life and reality

And that's exactly what you have been trying to avoid all this time

In some ways I wonder if I have even conquered my addiction

Because I went straight from drugs to medication

As you know I am on quite a lot of meds

And I struggle to take them properly

Isn't that as good as using?

I think it might be

Just because they are prescribed doesn't mean that they can't be harmful

Anyway

I digress

Back to EDs

Having an ED is like having a full time job

You work hard all week ie restricting and exercising 

And at the end of the week you expect a big fat pay cheque ie weigh loss

It's an all consuming occupation

A thankless task

Once you have reached one goal it's on to the next

We never get to enjoy the fruits of our labour

One reason why I am reluctant to give up my ED is that I have no clue what I would do without it

What would I do everyday?

What would I think about?

Talk about?

Write about?

What will I fill the ED shaped hole left in my life with ?

I guess there are a million possibilities 

But nothing captures my attention as much as my ED

I just don't know how I would fill my days

I started restricting and purging when I was in a very dark place
It was a coping mechanism
Over time it became a habit
An addiction
One that is so very hard to break
I do it now because I don't know any other way
I don't know life without it
It has become as natural as breathing

I haven't weighed in almost 2 weeks
I'm too afraid
There is  price to pay for being in good form
And that price is paid in pounds and ounces