After cancelling last week I was determined to get my bony bum there this week
Anxiety nearly got the better of me again yesterday and I was close to cancelling but I managed to get my eating disordered addict ass out the door
The meeting was about half an hour away so we had a good chat on the way up
It turns out that both my friends are on Prozac too
We talked a lot about how we have to be so careful with meds
That it's so easy for us to misuse it and abuse
I was honest about my own battle to take my meds properly
This week has been better in that respect
There was an NA and AA meeting on
My friends are in a relationship so they go to separate meetings
I decided to go to NA
The person opening the meeting read a passage out of the big book
Coincidentally it was about medication
I spoke a bit about my own history with abusing medication
Others spoke about theirs
It was great because it was really relevant for me
I got home at about eleven and I felt really good
I had a lot to think about
Being in recovery is all about learning and growing
I see my friends get stronger
More confident
More spiritual
My good friend who has an ED has come on leaps and bounds recently recovery wise
It's amazing to witness
To see her blossom in to an amazing person
I want that
I want to be where she is
To have that peace of mind
Now that my mood has greatly improved, I can see how low I was
I can see what a dark place I was in
I wanted to die
I wanted to check off this God for saken planet
I wanted to starve
Or binge and purge until my heart gave out
I didn't want to live
I didn't want a future
I couldn't see beyond my ED
But now for the first time in a long time, I see a glimmer of hope
I see the life I could lead
I know where my friend has come from
And to see where she is now fills me with hope
That there is hope for me
That it's not too late
There is a chance for me to have a life
Maybe even a happy life
Do you know what a revelation this is?
Do you know how much that means to me?
More than I can describe
I've lived with the label of 'addict' and 'anorectic' for almost 13 years
Carrying around the weight of that has all but beaten me down
What chance did I have?
I truly believed that if one didn't kill me then the other would
I've been told that I have 'many chronic conditions'
It's hard to stay positive with such negative words hanging over your head
It's hard to keep faith
To believe that I will be ok
But now I believe that I might be
I might be ok
Another thing I took from the meeting last night is that if I continue to abuse my meds I am going to stay exactly where I am
I'm not going to grow or blossom
I'm going to stew in my own misery
I used to over take my meds because I was in a lot of emotional pain
But that pain is lessened
Now I take them because I can
Because they are there
Because I am bored
Because I have nothing else to do
I take them to pass the time
Now I understand that if I don't change this behaviour then nothing will change
I will stay exactly where I am
Now the question is do I want to stay there?
Do I want to medicate myself so heavily that I spend the day nodding off
Falling asleep with cigarettes in my hand
Spilling drinks
Burning holes in the carpet
As well as a hole in my soul
Recovery is there for me
It's there for you
All we have to do is reach out and grab it
It's probably the hardest thing that we will ever do
It won't be easy
It's frustrating
It's boring
It's monotonous
It's overwhelming
Anxiety provoking
Uncomfortable
Complicated
But it's also amazing
Awe inspiring
Comforting
Bewildering
Beautiful
It's the biggest gift we could give ourselves
All we have to so is want it
I think I want it
I think I want recovery
As well as life threatening and dangerous and soul destroying
My ED and medication abuse has become boring
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
I want something elsen
I want something more
I want to live and have experiences and relationships and moments I will never forget
I don't want to be alone any more
I don't want to suffer anymore
I've had enough suffering for 10 life times
I want to do something different
I want to realise my potential
It's time for a new chapter..........
Hold
On
Pain
Ends
This post is beautiful and I'm so happy for you. I know this doesn't mean everything will automatically fix itself, but its such an important step, just for you personally. Keep going Ruby :-)
ReplyDeleteAmy
This was awe inspiring ... I love how you brought up both sides and how we need to hold on to hope... great writing Ruby ♡
ReplyDeleteI really think you can achieve what you want.... I really do. So, there's just one thing: 'go for it'.... Keep going to the meetings (even though your anxiety tells you otherwise) enjoy those sweet dogs (I'm a dog person so I loved the pictures and the stories) and let your faith be bigger than your fear (i get a bracelet with that quote on my birthday this week, and also have a tattoo with a quote, so I remember) Maybe you can have the Hold On Pain Ends, HOPE quote somewhere visible.. so you'll remember too....
ReplyDeletelove.
Fricking love this post, full on LOVE this post. I've not commented in ages, despite always reading, because I was stuck in hell and found it so painful to see you stuck there too. But I am so in love with this post and I hope the spirit continues Cxx
ReplyDeleteOh Ruby, this was such a wonderful post to wake up to read. I'm so very proud of you for finally getting to a meeting; I know it's been something you've been trying to do for a while now, and it sounds like it did you a lot of good. I think it really gives us a boost of hope when we know someone personally ago is doing well/improving. Like, it shows us that it really might be possible for anyone.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs to you dear. Keep fighting <3 xx
I love this. I really have read your blog in recent weeks and have seen more positivity and life from you. I've been doing the thing unfortunately where if something is too hard or seems like it won't happen, I think of giving up. Giving up never got anyone anywhere, so going to these meetings seem good for you. I want you to continue finding hope and living life! I love you dear.
ReplyDelete