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I saw my doctor yesterday
I told him that I had been to the dentist and he said that I need a  lot of work done
Namely 6 crowns on my front teeth
Costing to the tune of 3600 euro
My doctor looked at my teeth and agreed that I did in fact need crowns
Now I just have to find the money
It would be so great to get  my teeth done
A real confidence boost
They really are in a bad state
And I'm so self conscious about them
Years of drug abuse and bulimia have really taken their toll on my poor teeth

Then my doctor asked 'Are we reducing the methadone today?'
'I don't know' I replied innocently
He checked his computer and saw that it was 6 weeks since the last reduction
I resisted the urge to put up a fight
So it was dropped to 22ml
That is leaving me very little wiggle room
I need to start taking it properly before the shit hits the fan
And it will hit
Oh yes it will

When I was leaving my doctor said to me 'By the Ruby, you look well'
Ah the dreaded compliment again
'I'm getting that a lot lately' I said
'I'm trying to take it in the spirit in which it's intended'
'That's great' he said
I told him how things had improved a lot recently
I told him that I didn't want to die any more
He looked at me funny when I said that
Then I remembered that I can say things like that in front of Mary and she understands
Maybe I shouldn't say such things in front of him

I left the doctor and collected my meds
I went to a nearby hotel to take them in the bathroom
I took the correct dose as I had a course to go to in a couple of hours
I went and met my Mum and the dogs and went for a walk on the beach

As part of occupational therapy I am doing a women's nutrition course
Part of it is cooking but I didn't realise I'd be cooking yesterday
I arrived at the place to see a table of ingredients
I began to get mildly anxious
As well as the OT there were two other women there who I didn't know
So we began to cook
Chicken with veg and pasta
The OT said we didn't have to eat if we didn't want to
I was still undecided
The cooking was fine
I took part
The atmosphere was relaxed
I felt ok
I managed to chat with the others and pretend that I was a normal human being
Then the food was ready
I decided to eat but gave myself a very small portion
I left most of the pasta but ate the chicken and veg

The OT asked us if there was anything that we would like to cover next week
I decided I would bite the bullet and ask some questions
I began by saying that I had gained weight recently
Before I could say anything else one of the women  began to laugh and guffaw
As if to say 'Yea right'
I was really taken aback
The OT said 'Let Ruby finish' (She knows my history)
Even though I felt like walking out, I continued
I said that I would like to know how to maintain a healthy weight
'That is sickening' said the woman
In other words that is not a problem
I was pretty blown away
How dare she pass comment on my issues
In fairness the OT handled the situation very well
'Ruby has been on a bit of a roller coaster in that area' she said
Even though I was not 100% comfortable
I felt that I had to explain myself
That in fact keeping weight on is a problem for me
I explained to the rude woman that I had anorexia/bulimia and had in fact recently gained weight and wanted to keep it on and needed help in that area
'Oh' she said
That shut her up
The OT asked the woman if she understood where I was coming from
She said she did
She said that she herself was struggling to lose weight
I guess it's all relative

Despite these comments I enjoyed the class
I even brought some pasta home for my Mum
But I have to admit that I did purge when I got home
Even though things have improved I'm afraid that the purging is still there
Unfortunately
It's not half as bad as it was though
It is now the exception rather than the rule
Baby steps all the way

In other news my sister comes home from Australia in exactly two weeks (Hey sista!)
I am super excited to have her home
In fact I can't wait
Let the good times roll.........