I know that this is normal and it takes time for the weight to distribute to the rest of my body
But man it sucks!
I feel constantly bloated
My tummy is vast and huge and I have little skinny arms and legs attached to it
I'm in constant discomfort
My clothes are tighter
I'm a different shape
Things are changing here in eating disorder land
I'm ok with the weight gain
I'm not over the moon about it
But if this is the price I have to pay for being in good form
Then I'm willing to pay it
I'm just terrified that my weight is going to keep going up
That it is going to spin out of control
I just can't take that
So this is where I need your help
If you have re-gained weight
Or stopped purging
How did you cope with the weight gain?
Did it plateau when you reached your set point?
I really need some reassurance about now so please do comment if you have experienced re-gaining weight
I'm afraid
This is all so new
It's so different
Does this mean I am in recovery?
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| Is this what recovery looks like? |
There is a theory about this called set-point weight (or something like that!). It basically says that every human body has a natural weight which is fit and healthy (neither under nor over). If we eat a normal amount of food regularly then we stay at our weight. This doesn't mean we can never splash out - our body compensates for the odd take-away very easily). When we begin to continually under eat or over eat then the set point weight has to change but our new set point weight is not natural and not healthy in the long term. The body has to do what it can to survive though so it will begin to compensate to try and make us maintain at that new weight. This explains why losing weight or gaining weight can be a difficult process. I found when I began to put on weight my weight just began to plateau naturally once I was close to what I was before it all started. I've never reached the weight I was before, even though I was by no means ever overweight. This is because I have a disability that causes muscle deterioration so I can't rebuild the muscle I lost. I eat whenever I want now and how ever much I want. I find I can trust my body to tell me when I'm hungry and when I'm full now my weight has plateaued - you might find your appetite is a bit all over the place as you begin to gain - don't worry about this!! It's normal and will die down over time.
ReplyDeleteI think a big problem for anorexics is that we believe our bodies are 'different'. This can come out in different ways: some people might say 'my body can work just perfectly on no food' in a sort of 'I'm superhuman' sort of way. Another avenue is 'my body will gain weight abnormally fast compared to everyone else's'. We have to accept that these things aren't true - ALL our bodies follow biological rules and we have to trust that they know best most of the time!
I don't know if this has helped but I just want to make it clear that our bodies have it sorted. The battle is in our heads and it's so hard but you have to sort of concentrate on sorting out the messed up thoughts and let your body sort itself out by giving it the basic resources it needs to do so.
Love Amy xxxx
P.S. That picture is so pretty!! :-) recovery looks like how the person feels in their head. Recovery looks pretty beautiful, simply because the person is learning how to feel beautiful again. It just shines out. Xxxx
DeleteHi Amy,
DeleteThanks so much for this
I really appreciate you taking the time to comment
And yes it has helped a lot
It just seems to be happening so quickly and I am terrified I will end up overweight
I know the last time I regained weight my body naturally found it's own set point so hopefully that will happen this time too
Again thank you so much and hope you are well x
i agree with Anon. that picture is so pretty. whenever someone is in recovery, they just look so much more radiant to me.
ReplyDeleteanyway, alright - i can give you advice on this. i was actually pretty chubby when i started to recover, but in my head, i tried not to make it much of a priority. rather than focusing on the weight aspect, i tried very hard to focus on the fact that i felt alive with every bite. i felt so happy when i ate, and i didn't eat that much but oh, i ate a lot more than i do now. it was just the liveliness that came with eating, the pure liveliness that came when i realised how beautiful the world was. i was very happy and that happiness drove me not to think so much about the scale. the kind of elation i was in was just...astounding.
i was very happy that i didn't really care too much about the weight gained. i was at this weight before. i'd still lost a lot of weight from the start. it couldn't be too bad in my opinion. the only real time i started to lose weight again was when i got depressed and lost 22lbs without really trying from that weight. and i got down to a lower weight than i started off recovering with, but i would still never go back to eating 500 calories a day for several weeks or something to that equivalent. and my body changed to accommodate recovery too funnily enough.
i cannot go seven hours without eating without puking up stomach acid (i, like you, purged quite frequently during the height of my ED) and if i eat very low or not get enough food, within a day - i just start feeling the kind of dizziness where i black out. it is impossible to really undereat right now without ending up feeling unwell.
i love you. i'm hoping that you really do continue like this. recovery is worth it. i honestly cannot say that i was living or anything with my ED beforehand. yes, i sometimes do still eat very low. i'm doing so right now just because i want to be able to budge down a certain weight before "fixing it" (i.e. after some point, my body becomes used to at whatever weight i am and keeps me at it and whatnot). i'm still not planning on being underweight or anything but it is a flaw in me that i am constantly looking for ways to lose weight - be it healthy or not. i have a weight i am thinking of, i will get there and no matter what i won't be budge down lower, because if i do, it's never going to stop and it is never worth it.
at most, i'm trying to accept my body right now. it has let me do so much.
i think you've said it in one post but it's amazing what your body can go through and the points at which it can still keep you alive at. you are meant to live. so live, butterfly. live.
-Sam Lupin
The first time I had to gain weight with a purpose I tried to trick myself. I took a few pants and tops that were too big on me and wore only them till they fit normally. At that point I was at the weight that my therapist said was my goal. See I was threatened that if me and my weight were not stable at 110lbs I wouldn't be able to go away for college. My body reacted or at least seemed to react exactly how you are describing it. Baby doll tops helped that summer. On a happy note my mood dramatically changed for the better once my brain had enough nutrients.
ReplyDeleteHi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteJust want to say I've been there; anyone who has decided they don't want to live the half life of an eating disorder has been there. The only thing I can say is I promise it's worth it and it does get easier. I found once I got the point where I could exercise without getting obsessive my excess weight dropped off and I'm pretty stable now at a weight I'm okay with (I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'd love to lose a stone but it's a background niggle rather than a full on worry).
I'm a scientist and I found this talk really fascinating. There are some very good points we can all take from it:
https://www.ted.com/talks/sandra_aamodt_why_dieting_doesn_t_usually_work
I don't know what recovery looks like but it certainly sounds like you at the moment! :)
C x
I'm the exact exact same, my stomach looks like I could be pregnant, and that's not even the anorexia saying that to make me feel bad, my stomach is protruding so much. And now the weight is going to my hips and my thighs. How am I coping...in reality, I'm not. I'm self-harming to cope, so that's not coping is it, it's just switching from one destructive coping mechanism to another.
ReplyDeleteI think having a positive mindset is one way to cope. Keep telling yourself that you need to gain this weight to be healthy and happy, and that is what you deserve. Keep telling the eating disorder to get lost and leave you alone to live your life as you want to, not as it wants you to. Keep reminding yourself of the hell that your ED puts you through, and you don't deserve to be constantly put through that hell.
Are you in recovery? I think if you believe that you're in recovery, then yes! Recovery is part behaviours, part mindset. Mostly mindset, because mindset leads to behaviours. Recovery is not a bed of roses, so you will feel afraid, and this is good, I think it's a sign of recovery? Amy is right that we have a natural set point weight that our bodies should be at. One of my therapists said that if I eat my meal plan and stick to it, then the body will get to it's set point weight. It will fluctuate to start with (don't let this freak you out!) but will settle after a while of sticking regularly and you'll start to feel so much better.
I'm so sorry if this doesn't make sense. My head is pretty screwed up right now :( I love you. Stay strong XXXX
Well I know from people who suffered from anorexia/bulimia that it is normal and after some time you will gain weight really really slow, in fact you'll have to eat a lot more just to gain after your body sees that its not starving anymore...so that is only in the beginning so :)
ReplyDeleteBut I have one BIG QUESTION for you or actually I need your advice/help, I see you have reduced your purging to a incredible number which is so amazing, I do start to believe that you have (or soon will) stop it completely...how do you do that...do you have any small advice..I want to stop it completely, as I said in one of your post from today I got rid of my scale as well, now I need to get my purging under control, and you are doing so well...you give me hope that it is possible..:) Emy
Hi Emy, I hope you see this reply
DeleteTo answer your question, I'm not entirely sure how the purging has decreased.
I know my mood picked up a lot when I was started on Prozac
As I began to feel more like myself again, I didn't need to purge as much
I know Prozac is often prescribed to people with EDs and it does seem to help especially with binging and purging
Why? I'm not exactly sure
My purging has gone from 10 -20 times a day to 1-3 times a day
I eat little and often but my diet is not great
I still purge my main meals
And I tend to eat foods that don't fill me up
I don't know if this helped Emy
Please do comment again or email me if you want to know anything else
Take care x
Ps Let me know if you see this reply x
DeleteYes, I've seen it and thank you..:) wish I could try Prozac too, but its a little complicated for me..For now I mostly try to eat, as you said, smaller amounts of food but more often throughout the day...it helps not feeling too full. But your progress these past few weeks makes me so happy as I've been reading your blog for almost 1,5 years and you're on a good road right now..just stay strong you deserve to feel better and happier
DeleteEmy
Firstly, well done to you for fighting and throwing your scale away! Secondly, yes its absolutely normal for weight to go straight to your stomach when you regain, but dont worry, it will redistribute as you gain more and reach your set point (although for me it took 7 months of being at my set weight before I evened out!). Thirdly, yes it will stop! You wont keep gaining forever and once you reach your set point it will plateau (just as a side note- dont be fooled by a false plateau if you stop gaining whilst still at a low weight; this just means your metabolism has sped up and you need to eat more). Good luck!! x
ReplyDeleteThe first time I was in recovery I gained too much weight and relapsed but I think both weight fain and relapse occurred because I wasn't in a good place mentally or emotionally. The second time around I think I found my set weight. I could spare a couple pounds of body fat but overall I enjoy my body. I like when peoe gues me to be twenty pounds lighter but I'm actually twenty pounds heavier. It's because I lift weights and it makes me look good even if the scale says I weigh more. It's really about how I look and feel. After a while my weight shifted to my natural places that I collect fat, I.e. hips and butt. I need more sculpting but I received so many more compliments on my body after gaining weight that I stopped hating it. I embraced it and allowed myself to learn to transition into adulthood. It will take you a little bit, but trust the process.
ReplyDeleteHey Ruby!
ReplyDeleteIn 2007 I was put in this treatment facility that put 40 pounds on me in 12 weeks (yeah.. omg) and I TOTALLY had the same thing as what you are describing. It all went on in like one spot - the middle! It was horrifying and uncomfortable and so scary. But the very second I was out of there, I started eating "normal" calories (not the crazy high amount they had me on) and the weight totally redistributed and sorted itself out. Yes it went down a bit because it was actually just a bit too high for my body, but it found where it wanted to be and just... went there! The weight fanned out and I looked much more proportioned after a bit.
Love that pic! You look so pretty and the color of the dress is fantastic on you.
-Kate xo