My Mum works away during the week and my Dad usually comes to stay for a couple of nights but he is also working these days so it is just me and Honey and Lea
My parents are separated
They actually swap houses during the week
Because my mother works in the town that we used to live in
It's sounds complicated and a bit strange
But if it aint broke......
Anyway
I've been on my own for the past couple of weeks
I've been trying hard to be responsible
To keep the house clean
To keep the dogs fed, walked and watered
To go to bed at a reasonable time
And get up at a sensible time (The last few weeks I have been getting up at 5am)
In other words I've been trying hard to be a normal human being
This is harder for me than you would think
Feeding myself is not going too well
I have been living off salt and vinegar crisps and not much else
I keep forgetting to buy milk so am trying to ration out the last little bit I have
When my Mum is here, the house runs like clock work
There is order
A routine
There is an adult presence
When she is not here I feel like a teenager whose been left home alone
Standards fall
And there is a general feeling of chaos
I'm trying to keep the dogs routine going
To put them to bed at night
And not wake them up until about 7
I'm also trying to take my meds properly
This is not going too well either
Yesterday I took a double dose of everything
I feel asleep on the couch last night and woke up at 5 30
It took me a while to work out if it was 5 30am or 5 30pm
Then I worked out it was morning
The dogs were completely confused because they had not been put to bed
I felt like shit because I felt exactly the way I used to the day after using
That horrible come down
How ever I got on with my day and tried to keep the dogs to their routine
Last night I was pulling down the blind in the living room
I was pulling the string to lower the blind and I must have been pulling too hard as the whole thing came off in my hands
I then tried to roll up the blind manually and the whole bloody blind came off the wall and landed on top of me
I swear everything I touch I manage to break
I am a walking disaster
So I had to ring someone to come and fix it tomorrow
It just goes to show that when I am left to my own devices I make a complete mess of things
I feel like I can't cope with general responsibility
It's like I've never grown up
I am an eternal teenager
I will try again tomorrow to be a responsible person
I will make sure that me and the dogs are put to bed
I will get up at a reasonable hour
I won't do what I did yesterday and lie out in the sun without sun screen
I will lather myself in sun block like a responsible person
I will buy milk and bread and make sure that there is more food than crisps in the house
I will go to my meeting
I will go to see Mary
I will go to my course tomorrow night
I will have a shower and make sure I am squeaky clean
I will make sure that the house is spick and span
I can do this
I can be a responsible adult
I can be productive
Come on Ruby, you can do this!!
I know exactly how you feel. Growing up and being responsible is hard for me these days. I find myself in dangerous situations with no desire to get out of them. I have done that with the blinds before.. I just kind of laughed it off because it would be so typical of me. What you are describing in terms of responsibility... Well, that's a lot. Especially to jump straight into. Take it easy and a little bit at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself. I know you can do it. Sending you hugs. Xx
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