It's ok not to be ok

Thank you everyone for your kind comments, emails and messages of support
It truly means more than you know

It's Monday
A new week
A fresh start
I am glad to see the back of the weekend
Thankfully I slept last night
I was so wiped out
I woke up this morning with a slightly more positive perspective
I am determined not to let this slip turn in to relapse

I went to the doctor
I couldn't see the road pulling out of my house in my car
But I pulled out anyway
The next thing I heard my mother scream
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a car behind me
I braced myself for the impact
Thankfully the car was going slowly so was able to stop
Why do I take such chances?

My doctor broke his ankle
So we spent  the few minutes talking about that
I didn't tell him about my horrible weekend
I collected my meds and took them properly
I was so tempted to take more and sleep for the day
But I didn't
I need to face these feelings
Not run away from them

I meant to be going to my nutrition course today
We are supposed to be cooking spaghetti bolognase
I just can't face it
I can't face other people
And I sure as heck can't face eating in front of them
I'm tired
I'm going to take it easy today
I'm going to mind myself
Be kind to myself
I gave myself such a hard time over the weekend
I need to take care of myself

I have calmed down a bit after the weight gain
Gosh weight is such a minefield
One minute I was fine
I was happy enough in my own skin
Then I weighed myself
And the shit hit the fan
Nothing had changed
I hadn't changed
All that was different was that I now knew my weight in kilos
That little number that has so much power over me

I just don't understand it
Everyone keeps telling me that they can't see the gain
That I still look underweight
But the reality is that I have gained over 10 kilos in the last few months
The reality is that I have gone from being underweight to an almost healthy weight

Even though I feel like it
I am not giving up
It's true
I can't be in great form every day
That is not realistic
Even the most well adjusted person has bad days
Or a bad week
It's perfectly normal
And it's ok
It's ok not to be ok
Not to be prefect

They say that becoming grateful can aid happiness
I have a lot to be grateful for
I am relatively healthy
I have an amazing family
Great friends
Dedicated professionals who go above and beyond to help me
2 wonderful dogs
I don't want for anything
I am blessed in a lot of ways
I need to remember that

Recovery is a process
I just hit a bump in the road
I can bounce back
I've been bouncing back my whole
It takes a lot to keep this girl down

I was so blown away by the support after my last couple of posts
Your advice and kindness has been invaluable
Knowing that you are reading and commenting and wishing me well is such a comfort
Starting this blog was one of the better decisions that I have made
I have some truly amazing friends
Such good friends
You have kept me going through all of this

Recovery really is a roller coaster
Ups and downs
Highs and lows
I guess it's all part of the process
It would be really easy to lie down and admit defeat
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But that is not in my nature
I am a fighter
I have been fighting my whole life
I will not let this bitch of an illness take my life
I didn't come through drug addiction only for my ED to kill me

My ED is angry
Angry that I am going against her
I know she is trying every trick in the book to lure me back in
But the truth is my ED does not hold the appeal that it once did
I've been there
Done that
Worn the extra small t-shirt
There are no unanswered questions about my ED any more
It is not a mystery any more
It's not romantic
I can now see it for what it is
A deadly disease that wants me dead
I have no doubt about that

I am going to sit in the sun and read my book
I am going to keep fighting
Keep believing
And most importantly keep hoping