Pre-contemplation
Contemplation
Preparation
Action
And maintenance
This is true of any change we decide we want to make
Big or small
Whether it's changing your car
Or recovering from an eating disorder
For the longest time I was stuck being the first two stages
I wanted to want recovery
I was thinking about it
But not doing very much
I think in the last couple of months I have moved on to preparation
I've made the decision
I've chosen to pursue recovery
And I have taken some action
But there is still so much more to do
Things have improved greatly recently
My mood has picked up to the point that I actually feel something approaching happiness
Or contentment at least
But am aware that there is still so much to do
I have reduced the purging
But it is still there
On a bad day I can still purge up to 5 times
I had been eating regular meals up until recently
Now I have slipped back and am not eating at the table or eaating regular meals
Then there is my meds
That is an on going problem
As you know I am on quite a lot of meds
Realistically I don't need to be on all of them
And there are some days when I misuse them
Technically I am clean and sober
I don't take the drug that I wa addicted to
But I rely so much on my meds
Even when I take them properly they still make me very drowsy
I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy that feeling
It reminds me of the feeling of heroin
That's not good
Every Monday morning I collect my meds
Then I go straight to a hotel bathroom to take them
This morning it struck me that I used to do this when I was addicted to heroin
I used to travel to Dublin
Get my drugs
Then go to a public bathroom to use them
Is what I am doing now any different to that?
It's not that I am in geeat pain any more and I am trying to avoid it
I take the meds because I find reality hard to deal with
I find it boring and monotonous and tedious
A day is a long time and I like being able to zone out when ever I want
How ever I worry that I am so reliant on my meds
My methadone is being reduced at the moment
And because I am not taking it properly the detox may not work properly
I could be leaving myself open to going to in to withdrawal
I want to be clean and sober
I really do
But I also really enjoy the effect my meds have on me
The make me sleepy
Numb
Comfortably numb
I feel stuck in a kind of limbo
Somewhere between my addiction and recovery
It's not a nice place to be
I want to live
For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful and positive
But I have a tendency to self sabotage
When things are going well it is so unfamiliar that my instinct is to fuck up
I've done it my whole life
It's Monday today
And I don't usually make goals but today I feel I need to
First I want to take my meds properly
I'm not going to get well if I keep doing what I'm doing
I'm going to stay exactly where I am
Stuck
Second I want to get to three meetings this week
They are essential if I want to be drug free
I'm on a slippery slope
As I type this I can feel my meds taking effect
My body feels warm and relaxed
My eyes feel heavy
It's such a nice feeling
But is this what I want?
Is this how I want to live my life?
I can't have the life I want and misuse my meds
I can't help others if I can't help myself first
Thins are not perfect
Far from it fact
I'm still incredibly weight conscious
My ED still has a certain hold over me
But I will keep trying to do the next right thing
I will still try not to hurt myself or anyone else
I will continue to fight
I will continue to keep hoping and believing
I will never give up
That zombie feeling was very useful when your only choice was between pain or numbness. Now you have so many more options for feelings. There is more out there for you.
ReplyDeleteLife is rarely what we hope it will be (I have lots of thoughts on this). This makes it difficult sometimes for us to keep fighting against the thoughts and actions which we know offer no long term solution but help us get through the day by numbing, distracting and avoiding.
ReplyDeleteJust because something is hard doesn't mean we should avoid it. I think bad habits and self destructive behaviours often originate in the (understandable) desire to avoid painful situations. The monotony of life can be one of the most painful.
In my mind the challenge of sustaining recovery no matter how far down the path you are, is not just in addressing behaviours but in fighting the feelings of disillusionment that can arise when you get to the point of thinking "I know what I've got to do, I'm doing it... now what?".
Be satisfied in your achievement of moving away from maladaptive behaviours to get to the point of asking that question...and then pay a visit to Waterstones and check out the glut of self-help and popular philosophy books, visit your local Buddhist meditation centre or attend a mindfulness course.
You're not alone in your worries, but hey, at least you're back partaking in this mess with the rest of us :)
C x
It makes me so happy each time I read that you've made the desicion to pursue recovery. I know that doesn't mean you're there yet, or that it'll be a straight road, but it's wonderful to see you moving forward from the crossroads.
ReplyDeleteI can relate a lot to using drugs because reality is too hard to deal with. A day is a helluva long time, and each hour can be torture. For me, they completely zombify me. They don't give me a 'high' as such - the way I describe it is that they make me numb, content to stare into space, not have to think, and barely keep my eyes open all day. They turn my brain off so I don't have to think or deal with life. The only problem is that I'm then faced with the next morning, even less able to cope than I was the day before. It's impossible to live life like this, when you're never 'with it' for long enough to truly live.
I hope you made it through your Monday without too much trouble. You're a strong woman, Ruby, and you really do inspire me so much. Thank you so much for your lovely comments lately. You're a dear friend to me, and always will be. Sending tonnes of love and hugs across the ocean <3 xxxx
I need to email you some thoughts about the Mary situation and your last few posts, but I just want to say that I continue to be really proud of you and admire your bravery.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, Ruby and you're an inspiration to many, many people around this blogging world... you know, some day, I hope you write a book about all of this...
It's so difficult to give up the things that offer some temporary relief of pain (abused meds, ED), but I'm so glad you're being open and willing to work on these. It seems like you've really been trying hard at ED-recovery and that things are looking up for you! As far as abusing the meds, can you try to get some accountability about them? Hopefully that would help you to stick to the schedule and dosages. I think meetings are a great idea too. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteI don't know you and I just stumbled upon your blog.. but you are truly inspiring and wise. I have no words for your candid approach to your struggles. You are REAL and honest and it's heartwrenchingly beautiful. Admitting that your meds remind you of your addiction is a powerful powerful thing and you should know that that is what will set you apart-- acknowledging yourself and your person will keep you healthy as long as you continue to let it....
ReplyDeleteStay honest with yourself and you will have a beautiful life. I really am just speechless. Thank you for it... the world needs more you. <3