I keep being told that I look well
I look healthy
I have improved a lot
I smile and say thank you
I try to take them in the spirit in which they are intended
But I am struggling to accept the compliments
It's hard to hear something positive about myself
When you're sick and underweight people don't comment about your apprearance
People don't know what to say
So they say nothing
I have no idea what my weight is
I am just going by my clothes
They fit the same the last month so I presume that my weight is stable
I know that weight re- gain is an essential part of recovery
You can't have one without the other
But that doesn't make it easy
It's not fun
It's not pretty
It's uncomfortable
It's new
And scary
I don't feel like myself
I feel awkward and cumbersome
Like I engulf anyone that I stand beside
But I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway
In order to make this process a bit easier I need to acknowledge the positives
Of course first and foremost is my mental health
I feel a lot better able to cope with life
My thinking is clearer
My thoughts are not so negative
I can make decisions easier
My mood has drastically improved
I generally feel more positive and hopeful
I can't tell you how much that this means to me
To not feel like I want to die
To opt out of life
I feel like myself for the first time in years
It's a feels like a miracle
My physical health has also improved
I feel stronger
More capable
I used to get so dizzy every time I stood up
I had to grab a wall or a chair
I felt so weak all the time
Everything was an effort
A simple thing like walking up the stairs is now much easier
I can walk my dogs for longer now
I don't need to nap as much
My body seems to be working again
Digestion has improved
My period is back
My hair and skin and nails are a lot healthier
I remember I used to be so tired all the time
I hadn't the energy or the inclination to do anything
People have commented that my eyes look a lot brighter
That I have a glow about me
It's so new to feel and look healthy
I used to be so drawn and pale
I looked sick and I felt sick
But it got to the point when I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
Feeling mentally and physically compromised really take it's toll
Another knock on effect is that my anxiety has improved
I feel much more able to deal with life
I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost
I feel like I have a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
That makes life so much easier and happier
My perception of myself has also changed
I used to be convinced that I was a bas person
That I had nothing to offer
That I was a burden and nothing more
Now I can see that I have value
I do have something to say
And maybe my experiences can help some one else
I also feel like an adult woman now
I used to look and feel like a child
And I had no interest in growing up
That was just too much
Another positive is that my relationship with food has improved
It is by no means perfect
I still purge
I still have to resist the temptation to restrict
But I have relaxed around food
I'm not great at eating meals
And when do I most always purge
So in alot of ways I am still very eating disordered
And my behaviour around food is not normal
But as I always say baby steps all the way
My relationships have also improved
Because I am no longer so under weight
My family don't have to worry as much
And that in turn makes things easier
I have found that my sense of humour is always there
Without it I would have gone nuts a long time ago
I see my friends now
And that is a huge positive
I just feel alive again
Like I am now living instead of merely existing
Now I have a chance of living a normal and healthy life
And for me that is just the best thing
I feel like me again
So there are positives to weight re gain
I just have to keep reminding myself of them
 |
| Before |
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| After |
Can you think of anymore?
I noticed all of these things when I recovered as well. Where I was getting panic attacks every other day, which was not something that had ever happened to me, I was no longer getting them when I ate and dealt with my problems. I could feel okay with food and not have second guesses. Even my first time "recovered" I didn't feel that way. It's much easier to control portions when you accept that fact that your body needs it and you listen to its requests. There won't be the threat of never having it so you don't binge. You only take what you need so there's no reason to purge or restrict the next ten days. A little piece of advice I have is to take the compliment and then say it to yourself. Say you have a dress on and someone says, "Wow Ruby, you look really nice in that dress!" Say to yourself something like, "I really look good in this dress." If someone says that you have a glow say, "I look so much better with this glow" or "I look vibrant today." It sounds cheesy but the more you do it, the more you agree with yourself and it's not a half hearted effort. We start to believe what we tell ourselves. Tell yourself good things.
ReplyDeleteQuestion, do you ever do hair down photos? I had the random thought that I want to see you in other hair styles.
<3
Thanks for this Eve
DeleteI really appreciate it and it's good to know what has helped you
It is getting easier to accept comments
I know people want to acknowledge that I am in a better place and I am grateful for that
I am blessed that I have people around me that care enough to want me to get well
To answer your question I haven't been wearing my hair down recently as it is a hot mess
My friend is going to cut and colour it for me next week so I will wear it down when that is done
My hair is just so thick and unmanageable at the moment
Thanks again Eve, you are a star x
I know its hard to hear, but you really do look amazing and thank you for sharing your beautiful positive story of recovery.You are very inspiring! Xo
ReplyDeleteThank you Piggy
DeleteThat really means a lot x
I can think of some/more positives....
ReplyDeleteMy hair....
(even though I wasn't ever underweight as such as much, if I purged and restrict more, my hair is so... different)
It will be effective for your teeth too! I've read that yours were affected, so are mine... but it will help not to break down anymore...
Eventually, in better EDlesser times, I find it makes it easier to do things, because I don't have to think about the food involved constantly.
Maybe it's also positive that people don't look at you everywhere, all the time (like: 'wow.... she looks bad/sick and so on)
I think of you a lot, Ruby, and your blogs are, as always, very inspiring..
I also think you look good, but to me it also more the.... way you've been writing lately. More positive, that just gives hope....thank you for that...
(L)
Yes teeth!!
DeleteTotally forgot about teeth
Hopefully mine will improve now too
Awh thank you hun
You have been a massive support
And I thank you from the bottom of my heart x
I'm probably going to be very unpopular here but I've kept reading all your blogs and whilst it is really heartening to read this shifting in mindset and that you have gained (on the scales) some weight, when I look at photos of you and in knowledge of the last time you mentioned you'r weight/BMI, you are still underweight. Your body is still compromised. You still (to me at least) look too thin. I feel wary saying it because it feeds the ED, but I disagree with others that you look amazing and recovered because to me, and yes I have been there and am still there, you don't look well. Perhaps you have more glow and more life, but I still think Ruby is not fully present and that you, to be frank, look like you still need some more weight/health/life restoration. I'm so sorry to be so harsh and blunt and disagreeing with others, but I worry if you stop now, your real potential in life won't be realised and that would be the greatest shame.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Aren't dogs just the greatest? I often try to use mine as my sounding board - would he care if he were at a healthy weight? No!!!! Would he eat if hungry? Hell yeah! And would he want me to be healthy? Yes...which means me gaining too....
cxxx
Hi C,
DeleteI don't think you will be unpopular for writing this comment
In a way you are right
I am still underweight and I have a lot of work to do
My body is still recovering and it will probably take some time
I am still eating disordered
Things have improved a lot but my ED is still very much alive and kicking
I appreciate this comment
And I appreciate your honesty
I am at the very beginning of recovery
And I know that I am still unwell physically and mentally
It's easy to get caught up in the 'pink cloud'
The honey moon period of recovery
I know that I have such a lot of work to do
I hope you see this reply
Let me know if you do
Thank you for this and I mean that
I know that you are saying this out of concern and I am grateful for that
Take care x
Thank you for posting this Ruby. Sometimes it's easy to forget that there are actually positives to weight restoration, but this post was really inspiring to read.
ReplyDeletePhysical changes aside, the change in your mindset, thinking and mood is remarkable. You don't have to tell us how much it means to you that you don't feel like you want to die anymore - it speaks for itself and it's amazing.
Sorry I've been so awful at commenting and keeping in contact. It's been a struggle lately but please know you're never far from my thoughts, and I'm cheering you on the whole way.
Lots of love to you dear <3 xx
All of those sound like they are definitely worth it. And all from just choosing recovery? I am so happy for you, and certain parts of that definitely struck a chord in me... I want some of those things as well... How did you start on the road to recovery? I wouldn't even know where to begin, our even know how to imagine a life without my eating disordered havits.
ReplyDeleteBut I am so proud of you, amd I hope you can continue to improve. Don't worry too much what other people think... You should be happy with YOU, because they don't have to live in your skin. Show your beauty on the outside too. So happy and envious of you!