I cleaned up my blog list
And so many bloggers have disappeared
Where have they gone?
Did they recover?
I hope so
I truly hope so
I hope they told their ED to f**k right off
But the reality is that some will have got well
Some will still be in the horror that is their ED
And just can't bring themselves to write about it anymore
And some may have died
That is the harsh reality
But for every blog that disappears
Two new ones pop up
I feel very ambivalent about this
It's lovely to make new friends here
But I also hate to see more girls suffering
Living in the twilight that is this illness
Some are so very young
It's so sad
I have a friend who thinks that ED blogging is very unhealthy
She thinks that behaviours get rewarded here with comments
She is also very cynical about comments that express love
I think that she has a point
Blogging about our EDs can be very unhealthy
It can keep us locked in to the disorder
Or should I say it keeps me locked in
Not only do I think about my ED all day
But I write about it too
It's never far from my thoughts
It can be an obsession
I know very few things capture my attention the way my ED does
And 9 out of 10 posts on this blog are eating disordered related
So is it unhealthy to blog about EDs
The honest answer is I'm not sure
I know people who have fully recovered and still blog daily about their ED
And I know some very ill people who do the same
I guess the difference is your mindset
And why you are writing about it
For me blogging has mostly been a healthy experience
I know better than to read blogs that trigger me
And have had to unfollow a lot of blogs
I write my version of living with an ED
And trying to recover
I don't condone EDs
I am not pro ana or any thing like it
I write about my experiences
I tell my story as best I can
In the hope that it will help someone
As I said
I tried to take a break from blogging
But it didn't last
I need to write
I need to feel a connection with others
I love to get feedback
I love to give feedback
So I guess I will blog as long as it continues to help me and others
I was wondering about you
What is your experience of blogging?
Has it been helpful/unhelpful?
How so?
It's not too quiet to me...just as usual. At first there was just you and Sammy so well it was a lot quieter back then to me. Then again I've just been blogging for two, three months.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'm suffering. Not from an ED, I don't think.
Blogging about your ED can be unhealthy. But in your case it seems to do you good.
I blog so that I can keep track of my weight and just write what I want to I guess. It's like group therapy, but not lame. (not that group therapy is always lame but I've been to really stupid group therapy sessions)
Blogging is great for me. I think. I like giving and receiving feedback too.
The subject of pro-ana/not pro-ana is difficult for me because you might hate me after this. I used to think that anorexia would be cool. That was me, ten years old and thinking that a psychiatric disorder was cool. I guess it was because that I got bullied about my weight so often? Anyway, no, I don't think that it's "cool" anymore. Nope. Don't want any part of it. Arguably I wasn't really pro-ana, because I knew the effects it had on your body. But at that point I didn't really care...I still don't really care now, but I'm not pro-ana. I swear. Don't hate me.
I'm babbling, am I not? Well I hope you don't hate me...
Love,
Christie
Blogging is a catharsis for me. I don't do well in therapy, probably because of the Asperger, but on my blog I am anonymous and I write better than I speak.
ReplyDeleteI just want to give you a vitual hug and say hi...
ReplyDelete(L)
yeah your friend is right, never blogged but have decided to stop reading them,hope all goes well for you,still think you are a gifted writer and good luck, goodbye and take care .
ReplyDeleteNice to see you back :)
ReplyDeleteI have had numerous blog, some public some not, some that are censored (those my real life friends knew about). Also I had almost pro-ana blogs when i was young and stupid and I had just eating disorder blogs where I am not pro-anything but just wanted to share my story.
ReplyDeletenow I am starting a new blog a recovery blog hopefully.
I have always found writing to be good for me. To let out everything i could not say to a real person( I have had a handwritten diary since I was 12).
http://nowwhatquestionmark.wordpress.com/
If you maybe want to read so very new blogs.
I started my blog very much with an ED focus because that was the center of my whole world at the time. All the blogs I read were ED-centered and I was obsessed with following them because it was like getting access to this alternate universe about which I had never known before, but within which I completely belonged.
ReplyDeleteAs I've gotten further in recovery, my blog has strayed from that completely ED-centric design. This is partly because my life and thoughts are more interesting when they aren't consumed by the eating disorder, and partly because ED content is less interesting to me these days. The eating disorder definitely still affects my thinking and my opinions, but I'm more of a complete person now that I'm in recovery. I think the content and character of my blog reflects that transition. So in that sense, blogging has been an incredibly healthy and transformative experience for me. Hopefully some of that has been beneficial for readers as well.
You know, it's very interesting when you try to explain to people about this blogging world. I think that everyone automatically jumps to the conclusion that because it is ED related, it has to be pro-ana. I mean, pro-ana right? Scary shit propagated by the media and adopted by hopeless wannabe girls trying to diet and then who end up developing the illness because they were stupid and misguided (myself included). I think though that this little community that we have (and I do think that we are part of the same little sub-set) is much more about the support and commitment that we get from the people on it. Yes, we do cheer each other one - but I wonder sometimes how much of that is simply an understanding of where we are in this process of ED. I don't think any one in this community condones outrightly harmful behaviour, but that it makes us happy (happy... perhaps the right word, fulfilled perhaps?) to follow this path is something that all of us, in recovery or not, understands. And we understand it to the core. I do think that so many of these girls have gone into recovery and that hopefully for most they have snapped out of it. And then there are the (seeming) lifers like myself who have learned to function with it... and of course, then there are the Ruby's that have taken the brave step of recovery, and even though we are all in our own personal hells - we all support and love you. I think that it is the harder route and you are doing us proud. And as much as you want the feedback and the love, I look at your blog from time to time and see your struggle through recovery thinking that if you were as deep into ana as you were and you've fought your way back (fighting!!) - it can't be nearly impossible to let it go as I think it is.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very long comment... hope it still makes sense. Keep rocking on! I love reading your recovery blog and I'm so glad you've decided to stay! Xo
I think a bid part of recovery is exploring who you are apart from your eating disorder. I'm sure this includes so many unknowns, especially if you're so entrenched in the disease and have lost sight of your true self... but perhaps chronicling this journey of finding out the essence of you really are could be a focus of your blogging. Also, it is my advice to refrain from reading any blogs that include posts about restrictive calorie intake and weight loss. While it may not be what we typically think of as "Pro-Ana", that kind of writing that is broadcasted out in the blogosphere seems to encourage the disorder... seems pretty Pro-Ana to me. I've seen a few links on your blog list whose names in themselves suggest that there goal is to write about weight loss and restricting, let alone the actual content of their blogs. You may have been close to these people in the midst of your disorder, but they will not be your allies in recovery. Hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteI think blogging can be healthy or unhealthy. People can track every calorie they eat and ask for feedback to help their ED, They can post and ask for sympathy, or they can just post about their lives. There's all sorts.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most unhealthy things I've seen is people who self harm posting pictures. As a teenager, I admittedly took pictures, but it's a private thing. With EDs posting pictures can be healthy or not. The blogs I used to see on Xanga that posted "thinspiration" photos of other women were pretty fucked up. Especially because they stole them from other blogs. Posting your own photo is different.
I think with comments it depends on what you actually ask for. Some comments are just from crazy, mean people, but that's not the blogger's fault. If you ask for tips and tricks, that's different. It's all complicated.
I have mixed feelings about my blogs (this and previous ones) because I do dwell on bad things or list behaviors, but I really just post my life.. and it's pretty negative now. But if anything I only want healthy encouragement. That's what most people want.
I blog and I read blogs because it makes me feel less lonely. If I see that someone reads it even if they don't comment, I feel heard. When I read or comment, I feel like I'm part of someone's world. Sometimes people online have been better support than anyone I knew because I can be honest here.
It is sad when people disappear. I feel like I've lost a friend and I've lost being a part of their life. I hope sometimes they just outgrew this place, decided to take control of their lives. I know in some cases that probably isn't true. It was a big loss moving from Xanga to here. I lost so many people who never posted a link to a new blog or any way of contact. I wish them well. I had a lot more blogs I followed there than here, so it's hard. People online are my friends too. I love hearing about your life and maybe offering some support. I love offering support or at least empathy to anyone, online or in real life. It gives me a purpose.
Glad you're back. I can't seem to stay away either.
hi ruby
ReplyDeleteexactly these thoughts have kept me from blogging for so many years,,i would never ever want to be the reason of pushing someone further in this hell...for soo many years i've kept my thoughts to myself,never opening up about this to anyone..and even now when ive finally started a blog i am really scared,im still testing how open i can be,,because i fell that the things that go through my head all the time might be just too triggering for some people,,i know that nobody can actually get an ED by just reading about it u've got to have a specific predisposition but im still afraid,,i wouldnt want this living hell on anyone in the world...im so confused right now,,specially talking about numbers because we all just start comparing like crazy,,,and for me right now numbers are still a huge part of ED thoughts....btw i read your posts even if i dont comment for whatever reason,,mostly im just not in the right state of mind to offer any hope so i start thinking that better keep shut,,i read your post about dana,,and i totally agree,,,rhodes farm just helped her put on a bit of weight to releive family's anxiety,,they didnt/couldnt explore the emotional issues of dana,its just like refeeding a malnourished child from some famine stricken area,,EDs are much complicated than that,,and her emotional issues were not explored..
i am so glad that you are in a better frame of mind,,i really hope that you can pull yourself out of this and start exploring yourself,,,you are a wonderful person
love and sunshine
poppy