As you know I see my doctor every Monday morning
And have done for the last number of years
It's not so much to do with my ED
Although that is part of the reason
It's more to do with the fact that I am on methadone
I am on 22mls now
I started on 80mls 10 years ago
And it's mandatory that I have to go to the doctor every week to get my script
They won't give more than a week out at any one time
I have mixed emotions about coming off methadone
Part of me is excited to be finally free of it
But another part of me is scared to death that I will relapse
The thing about being on methadone is that if you use heroin on top of it
You won't get any hit off the heroin
Something to do with the opiate receptors in the brain
Because I see my doctor every week
I know him quite well by this stage
And he certainly knows me
He's been one of the nicer doctors I have seen in my life
As I said a few weeks ago
He broke his ankle recently
So the first thing he asked me to do when I walked in to his room was to turn on the light switch
I did
And then told him that he needs a big long stick for things like that
He asked me if my sister had come home
I said that she did
Then asked me how I was
I told him that I have been having some friend drama (More about that later....)
But I said it was good to have problems like that
And not have more serious ones
Like my health
He laughed and told me that I should write about it
It's funny
We rarely talk about medical issues any more
Other things we talked about today were Woody Allen
The World Cup
And another doctor whose father had died
It's nice I guess
We spent so long talking about addiction and EDs
It's refreshing to talk about life
And anything and everything
I mentioned that I am having some friend drama
I won't go in to the details
But I will say that I feel taken advantage of
Used
I think my problem is that I am too soft for my own good
I would do anything for anyone
And some people take advantage of that
This friend is someone that I have known for a long time
And we've been quite close recently
It felt great to have a good friend
To have someone to talk to
To be there
But recently things seem to have disintegrated
She has stopped phoning and texting
And been quite manipulative
I'm not sure what to do
Due to my addiction and ED
I've not had to deal with this kind of thing in a long time
I don't know whether to cut my losses
Or try and save the friendship
The truth is that people can be mean
It's the reason I isolated myself for so long
I just couldn't deal with this kind of thing
I really don't know what to do
I feel hurt
It makes me want to disconnect from people
I spoke to my mother and my sister about it
The agreed that her behaviour was indeed manipulative
I have to see this friend today to get something off her
And I am dreading it
I really am
But I guess this is part of life
Dealing with people
My Mother said that this is when I need to be strong
And surround myself with positive people
Sometimes I wonder if it's me
Is it something that I am doing
Do I have a sign on my head saying 'Door mat'?
Do I let people walk over me?
I admit that I am a people pleaser
I like to be liked
And probably compromise myself to be liked
I want to belong
And feel accepted
And I want to help people when I can
Maybe I should put myself first a bit more
Maybe I should be a bit tougher
I just hate this shit
Hate the petty drama
Why can't we all just get along?
I was wondering about you
Have you ever felt used by a friend?
How did you deal with it?
Are you a people pleaser?
How do you find the balance between pleasing others and pleasing yourself?
Please do let me know
Your doctor sounds really nice.
ReplyDeleteAbout the friend shizzle, I've been to rough times in most of my friendships. Because (but I know that now, wish I'd known before ;-))of my past and present I tend to be drawn to very strong and dominant personalities. People who, kind of, tell me what to do and what rules to follow and so on. People who want money or help from me, but who sometimes forget that I am a person too, with an own mind. I, on the other side, agree with others because I'm scared of fights that mÃght happen and people being angry. Also, because my life is so far out of the ordinairy as possible, I seem to be so happy that someone finally likes me (which is a real strange thing for me) that I want to do everythng possible to keep that going. And I ignore the feeling of knowing it's not good for me, or doubts.
I had to learn and am still learning that I'm better of alone than with someone who isn't good for me. I'm learning that I have an opinion and I don't always need to agree. And I cán and am allowed to set my own boundries. Even if the other person does not like me for it, I don't have to be liked by the whole world.
But it's difficult. I used to adjust my interior for my ex, my wardrobe for my friend and my personaily for my family (and also relationships).
Now I need to find out who I am, but also, if the things I told myself I had to like (because a friend liked them) are what I réally like, or just try to to be 'one of the girls'
sorry for this long reply...
(L) from Holland...
A*
I can relate to that A
DeleteI seem to go for people that are dominant too
And then I fall in to a submissive role
I just hate this shit
I don't know where I stand
And it really hurts, you know?
But thanks for this A
Thanks for understanding x
I have had the friend drama... usually if they are like this it is better to move on ... they really are not a friend if they are being manipulative.
ReplyDeleteIt's very rough finding out people are not who they say they are...especially if you've been close to them. We deserve better than a person who wants everything their way and they will go out of their way to attain it...
True Launna
DeleteI just feel very hurt
And I don't know whether to end the friendship or not
I guess I will just play it by ear........ x
Hello Ruby, your doctor sounds really good - quietly supportive and sincere - sometimes the best thing a person can do for someone is bring normality to their life.
ReplyDeleteYour problems with your friend struck a cord with me. I, too, have a friend who can be quite manipulative, will literally only text me to tell me everything that is wrong in her life and get annoyed that I don't have the answer, before disappearing again for a while. It's a very one-way relationship and this used to bring me down, but then I realised how bad a place she's in - she has major anxiety and depression issues. I had to learn to separate her from her issues to protect myself - I had to learn that it was ok to admit (to myself) that I didn't like the way she was treating me and that it was ultimately hurting/damaging me. That makes me sound a bit selfish, but in reality our friendship was hurting us both and the distance was beneficial in the long term. Nowadays I wouldn't say we have a friendship because that is an equal relationship, but I am a friend to her whenever she needs it. The crux of it is that I'm not dependent on her anymore for her respect and kindness and so we *both* know that she can't hurt me. The door is certainly not closed, I would be so happy to make it a friendship whenever she's ready. For now, I just send consistently optimistic and positive replies to her texts and hope she'll get to a better place soon :-)
I don't know if this is applicable in any way to your situation - but all I'd say is look after yourself at the moment and show her kindness when she does get in touch, in my experience people who act that way are often very unhappy. I know I'm probably guilty of (unintentional) horribleness when I've been at my lowest, but loving people got me through. Amy, xxx
Thanks so much for this Amy
DeleteYou know exactly what I am talking about
It's a horrible situation to be in
But I think what you did makes a lot of sense
Separating yourself from her and her issues sounds like the sensible thing to do
I think I stand need to stand back
And be a little bit selfish like you say
Look after me for a change
Thanks Amy
This really helped me today x
I don't blame you for being scared about coming off methadone, or reluctant to work towards it. Do you know anyone from groups or something who's come off it without relapsing? Maybe they could reassure you or give some words of advice.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend that started acting funny a few months back. They lost interest and would only make contact for very selfish or manipulative reasons. I just don't have the energy to deal with it right now, so I just stopped replying. Maybe disconnecting wasn't the best idea, but it wasn't a super strong friendship anyway, obviously. There are so many better people out there who can treat you as you deserve to be treated, not manipulated and used.
I'm a people pleaser to a fault, even if it leaves me worse off. These days I think it's easier to just shut off.
Love you Ruby <3 xx