Labels

For the longest time I defined myself by the labels that had been put on me by the professionals
Drug addict
Eating disordered
Anorectic
Bulimic
Depressive
Anxious
I was little more than a collection of diagnosis
A bundle of medical terms
Somehow I got lost in the midst of these labels

The drugs came first
I was 14 when I took drugs for the first time
Now that seems so very young
My nephew is 14 next month
And I can't imagine him using drugs
It's extremely young
I was in such a hurry to grow up
I did every thing at a very young age
Drinking
Drugging
Losing my virginity
All these rites of passage that were boxes that needed to be ticked

The drugs got out of hand very quickly
And everything spun out of control
But I was in denial
I truly believed that I could stop when ever I wanted to
I  just didn't want to

I deliberately sough out people who were known drug users
The boy I had a crush on fascinated me because he was known to use a lot of drugs
It was almost like I wanted to be an addict
I wanted to live life on the edge
I was seduced by the drama
Life in the fast lane
I wanted to push the boundaries
Rebel I guess
But heroin is a powerful drug
It brings grown men to their knees
So you can imagine what it did to a naive young girl like me

All the while I was using drugs
My eating disorder was silently developing
I went in to hospital to do my first drug detox when I was 19
I had stopped eating completely by this stage
It was then that I was told that I had anorexia
I refused to believe it
I refused to acknowledge that not only did I have a serious drug problem
But I had an eating disorder too
I was heavily in denial
And did every thing I could to convince myself, staff and my family that I was ok
Even though my weight was incredibly low
Even though I was purging
And hiding food in my locker
I just couldn't get my head around it
I was supposed to go to a treatment centre after I was detoxed
But they refused to take me due to my failing physical health
I was discharged from hospital
And relapsed just hours later

I continued on using and not eating for the next few years
In 2004 I went to London to do a detox before going in to treatment in Dublin
In the treatment centre I was again told that I had anorexia
This time I couldn't really deny it
As there was a girl there who also had an ED
And I was just like her
It was a relief to finally admit it
But it was yet another label

It is only now years later that I am beginning to see that I am more than these labels
And they don't define me
They are not who I am
They are who I was
Today I am much more
I am a daughter
A sister
An auntie
A dog owner
A writer
A reader
A dancer
A friend
A music lover
So many things

It is only now that I am getting to know myself
My likes and dislikes
My opinions and views
What makes me tick
Growing up and all through my addiction
I didn't know myself at all
I didn't know what music I liked
What clothes I liked
Nothing
I was so eager to be liked and accepted
That I liked whatever you liked
I wore the clothes I saw you wearing
I agreed with you
Never disagreed with you
I changed myself to fit in with who ever I was it
I had no clue who Ruby is

I guess it is fun and exciting to find out who I am
I know a few things about myself
That I adore animals
I love to dance
And write
And read
I have a dark sense of humour
And can be very sarcastic
I love clothes
It's only very recently that I found my own style
Before then I just wore what I saw you wearing
Now I know that I like surfer type clothes
Colourful hoodies
Skinny jeans
Leggings
I paint my finger nails bright colours
Dye my hair blonde
And wear very little make up

Now I know that I like to around people that make me laugh
I used to be a night owl
Now I am a morning person
I am a tea drinker rather than a coffee drinker
I love spicy food
I like to cook
Bring my dogs for long walks on the beach
I know that I need to write for my own sanity
That I am too soft for my own good
I am a people pleaser
That one is hard to get rid of
As I have got older I have mellowed a lot
I used to be quite volatile and loved an argument
Now I know that I don't need to fight to be heard
And you catch more flies with honey
I now know what music I like
What films I want to see
I know that I now want to live
I am sick and tired of living a half life

There is still loads to find out
And I intend to have a lot of fun finding these things out



What about you
Do you think that you know yourself well?
Have you been defined by labels in your life?