Live and Learn

I turn 33 in a couple of months

It's very strange to think of that

I have the body and the face of a woman in her thirties

But that's about it

I haven't really grown up or matured in any other way

I'm sure this has something to do with the fact that I started drinking and drugging so young

And developing anorexia/bulimia kept me in a child like state 

Both physically and mentally

I would say that I have the mental age of about 16

Right when I started using drugs heavily

I feel like a teenager

All moody and hormones flying all over the place

I can be very immature too

I haven't really gone through all the mile stones and rites of passage that young adults do

I haven't been to college or university

I haven't travelled much

I haven't developed as my own person

I guess I don't know myself very well

I don't know what my opinions and views are

For a long time I just agreed with who ever I was with

I just wanted so desperately to fit in and belong

To be liked

So that meant liking what you liked

Dressing the way you dress

Agreeing with what ever you said

I remember when I moved to Dublin

I wanted to be accepted so much that I acquired a Dublin accent

It is only now at the age of 32 that I am starting to get to know myself

It is only now that I realise that I don't have to be liked by everyone

I don't have to please everyone

It's ok to have my own views and opinions

And just because we don't agree doesn't mean that we can't get along

It's healthy to disagree and have opposing views

I guess I was a people pleaser

I think this stems from being bullied as a child

I lived in a small town

And my parents were both teachers in schools in the town

Because of this I was a target for bullies

My mother taught in school that was considered quite rough

I got a really hard time from some of the students from that school

It wasn't really serious

General teasing and slagging

But it made my life a misery

It seems that I have been bullied in one way or another my whole life

So I came to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me

I set to make sure that everyone would like me

I wanted to be the perfect person

But of course that is impossible

Because of the bullying

I started profiling people

And putting them in categories

People I felt comfortable enough around to be myself

People I felt intimidated by

People who I wanted to like me

People I admired

People who I scared me

I still do this automatically

But not as much as I used to

For the longest time not being liked was the worst thing that I could think of

If someone didn't like me

I took it incredibly personally

And analysed the situation to death

It's only now that I am learning and accepting that it's ok not to be liked by everyone

In fact it's impossible to be liked by everyone

And that's ok

I am ok

I am enough

Just the way I am

That is massive for me to realise

That I don't have to try and impress people in order for them to like me

I don't have to lie to make myself more interesting

I don't have to people please

I just have to be me

If you like me

That's great

If you don't

That's ok too

I am only just getting to know myself

I have a lot of work to do

A lot of growing up to do

I guess I live quite a sheltered and protected life

My Mother said to me yesterday that I need to toughen up a bit

And not to beat myself up so much

I am a big softie

Although I do have an inner bitch that I unleash now and again

Usually at the most inappropriate time

Sometimes I wonder if I let people take advantage of me

And use me

Because I don't speak up for myself enough

I put my own needs last

In real life I am quite shy

I only really open up if I know you well

Take my sister for instance

We get on really well

And laugh all the time

I can be my crazy bat shit self around her

And she doesn't bat an eyelid

But generally I hold back around people

And suppress my personality a lot

Because I want to liked

I want to fit in

I would so love to be able to be myself more

The reason I love writing and blogging so much

Is that I would much rather write than speak

With writing I can get my words out at my own pace

I can think about what I want to say

And choose my words carefully

I feel much more able to express myself with writing

In real life I have a very quiet voice

And can be not heard or overlooked

That doesn't happen with writing

I guess this is all part of life

And recovery

I live and learn

I make mistakes

And experience setbacks

And that's ok

It's all part of it

It's ok to mess up

It's ok to try and fail

It's ok to make mistakes

The trick is to learn from them

I happen to be someone that has made a lot of mistakes in life

But then I am the type of person who has to learn the hard way

You can't tell me

I have to experience it for myself

For a long time I believed that I was a bad person

And I still do to a certain extent

It seems that I store up all the bad things that I have done in my life

And file them under 'Ruby is a bad person' in the back of my head

I pull it out regularly and give myself a good beating

I'm still not sure if I am a good person or not

I know that I want to be a good person

I want to do the right thing

Make good choices

And lead a good life

But no body is perfect

I am not perfect

And I have to accept that

Life will throw me curve balls

It will deal me some dodgy cards

I will mess up

I will do and say the wrong thing sometimes

And that's ok

It's ok

I'm not sure if this post made a lot of sense

But I needed to write this today

I need to know that I am ok

That everything is exactly as it should be

I am doing the best I can

Considering what I have been through in life

I am not doing too badly

Not too shabby at all