I just published a post
Then promptly deleted it
It was pretentious drivel
Indulging my eating disorder
Feeling sorry for myself
'Looking for notice' as my mother would say
The truth is that yes, I did sleep the whole day away today
No, I did not overuse my meds
I was just so over tired from my exertions over the last week
I have been doing a lot
And I love that now I am doing much more
But my body can't keep up with my brain
I need to feed my body more
So I can do these things
You see
My problem is that I can't eat outside of my house
Correction
I can eat
But my ED won't let me
When I eat at home
It is like a ritual
A ceremony
I use certain cups
Plates
And cutlery
If I am on my own in the house
I set everything up in the sitting room
My cup in it's place
A tray for my plate
Salt and pepper (Because I am a salt and pepper addict)
I put in my favourite tv programme
And let the ceremony begin
I eat things in a certain way
A certain amount of bites
Then a drink
Add salt
Add pepper
Every move carefully co-ordinated for maximum enjoyment
I like eating on my own
I like not having to make polite conversation at the table
I find it quite hard to eat around others
I just don't enjoy my food in the same way
I know it is quite eating disordered to eat this way
That it is normal to eat at the table with others
But it is an effort for me to do that
I was wondering about you
Do you have food rituals and habits like me?
Do you eat on your own or with others?
I'd love to know
I have to say... 'your eating disorder won't lét you' (eat outside your house) ?
ReplyDeleteOr.... yóu developed all kinds of habits and rituals around food and that seems to make it impossible now to make certain changes?
I am not a person who treats the disorder like a person with its own mind. I choose...
(taking my responsabillity helps me..)
So, yes I do have rituals. I eat and drinks from certain plates and certain mugs. I cán eat outside my home, but I'd rather not. At home I only eat certain things, at special times, always the same. And I count, I only do and eat odd nummers.
But, I know that it my mind choosing and making me do this, or at least I try to tell myself that over and over again...
I am glad to read that you enjoy life more. I thought you would be getting some more sleep, after your busy days. I hope, because you seem to enjoy all of this so much more, you might carefully embrace little changes in your life, foodwise, too. Your body needs more fuel, if you want to keep up all of this and keep doing all these nice activities.
You know what... ??
You seem to be more alive ...
And that's probably one of the best compliments you can get....
You have a life now :-)
hej...
ReplyDeleteyou deleted another one, right? Freedom?
(L)