Honey is completely oblivious to that fact that she very nearly drowned
I on the other hand took a bit longer to recover
I didn't go out to dinner with my family
And spent the evening on the couch wrapped in a blanket
My sleep in still all over the place
I haven't gone to bed the last two nights
And just got a couple of hours on the couch
I don't know why I am doing this
Deliberately depriving myself of sleep
I know I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night
So I try and get myself as tired as possible so I will definitely sleep
This harks back to my drug using days
On the days that I didn't have any drugs
I wouldn't sleep a wink at night
And those nights were just awful
No drugs means going in to withdrawal
It's physical and mental torture
And everything seems worse at night
When I was on my own
I would sink so low
And get so little sleep
That I thought I was losing my marbles
So ever since then I have had a fear of not being able to sleep
And have gone to many lengths to make sure that I do sleep
There's also another reason that I do this
I like to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any given time?
Why? I hear you cry
Well there are two reasons
The first is that it reminds me of being on heroin
And the second is that being able to sleep at any time
Means that I can opt out of life/reality any time
So I guess there are reasons that I do this
I really do worry about myself sometimes
-
I went to my cookery class today
It was a big effort to go
But I got there
There was just 3 of us there today
We made spaghetti bolognase
I love this dinner
But it is something that I never keep down
Making the meal was nice and relaxed
We chatted and looked through cookery books
I wondered why the other people were there
They all have some mental health issues
Just like me
I started to get anxious as we were plating up
I gave myself a small portion
But even as I was eating it
I was planning to purge it straight afterwards
Which I did
-
I go to the dentist tomorrow to start my dental work
I am super excited
Tomorrow I get temporary crowns put in
Across my front seven teeth
They will stay there until I get permanent ones fitted in a few months time
This is a really huge deal to get my teeth done
They really are in a sorry state
Broken
Chipped
Rotten
I actually have very few teeth left at all
I guess years of rinsing my teeth in stomach acid has not helped
I will let you know how it goes
but, Sweety...
ReplyDeleteWhen you get the dental work done... what will you do about the purging? Crowns don't take it that well neither... (yes, experience)
I'm so scared to ask, cause I am afraid that if you purge less, you will stop eating, but I also don't want you to be down and not nice to yourself if the purging effects the temporarily teethwork.
I'm so sorry to read about your sleeping habits. I'm not one to criticize that would make me a hypocrite but.... it just makes me wonder... if you keep some side-effects of the years of addiction close, out of habit or also out of self punishment.
Sometimes I feel that you think that you don't deserve good things, that you think that bad things should happen to you, because you're you.
And I want to tell you that you are allowed.... to all that you want. Your own opinion, a good life, everything you want....
No matter what happened, whenever, no matter what you did or did not do.... you are allowed to have a good life...
You need sleep. Not only when the day is so scary and overwhelming that you want to esape, but also because people need sleep. You deserve the rest it can give go...
Please dear sweet Ruby, you ARE worth it, you are worth to take better care for...
(L)
I can relate to trying to keep yourself in a state where you can go to sleep and 'opt out' at any time. I do the same but with smoking. When I'm smoking heavily like I am at the moment, I can barely keep my eyes open more than a few hours and end up dozing in-and-out all day in my armchair. It means I don't have to be in the world for a little while. I also don't sleep well at night, and dozing in my armchair seems to summon less nightmares than sleeping at night.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the dentist today. I hope it goes better than the extraction did. Lots of love <3 xx
ruby!!!!!! so glad that honey is ok!!!you are a star! and good luck wirth he dentist!!!
ReplyDelete