Girl Competition

I'm a girl
I've been a girl  my whole life
I have sisters
I have had many girlfriends over the years
And if there is one thing that I have learned
Is that girls like to compete with each other
Especially girls with an eating disorder

I remember when I first noticed girl competition
I did ballet as a young teenager
And every summer I attended a week long summer school in my local ballet school
There was a competition for a spot in the end of week show
So we split up in to groups and choreographed our routines
The competition was held on the Thursday night
And my group won
We were delighted as we weren't expecting it
I remember one of the girls from the one of the other groups threw a complete wobbler
And cried her heart out
Protesting that it wasn't fair
I remember being quite shocked
I mean it was only a friendly contest
But it obviously meant a lot more to her
If I recall correctly
This girl was extremely skinny
I remember she didn't eat sugar of any kind
And was on a strict diet
Looking back this girl probably had an eating disorder
She definitely had the perfectionist traits
I don't know what happened to her
I never saw her again
But when I was thinking about this topic
She popped in to my mind
I think her name was Rachel

Although I was aware of girl competition as a teenager
I myself didn't feel the need to compete
I didn't feel it at home either
I am the youngest in my family
So I felt no need to compete with my sisters
I accepted that they would probably achieve things before I did
And  I was ok with that
I don't feel jealous or envious of what they have
I know that I can have that too
Someday

At secondary school I was aware of competition
But not of the kind you would think
In my group of friends
I felt competition to be the wildest
To be the most outrageous
To attract the cutest boys
To wear the raciest clothes
I too it to the extreme
I wanted to be known as a wild child
As the girl who would drink and take drugs with anyone
The girl who partied the hardest
Laughed the loudest
The girl who was up for anything
The one thing I wasn't interested in was being known as a slut
I had seen friends bounce from boy to boy
And I didn't like it
I started going out with my boyfriend when I was 16
And stayed with him until I was about 24

It wasn't until a few years ago that I started feeling real competition between my friends
I mostly noticed it in others
And didn't get involved myself
I don't know why
Maybe I saw the destruction it caused
But the one area where I did get involved
Was the subject of eating disorders

For the first few years of my ED
I went along oblivious to my own weight loss and low weight
I didn't compare myself
Because I wasn't really aware that I had an ED
Then I went in to treatment for the first time
And boy was that an eye opener
I remember the day I was admitted
I spotted the other girls with EDs straight away
And they clocked me
But it took them a full day to come up and introduce themselves to me
They were wary of me
And I was wary of them
I immediately compared my weight to theirs
And being anorectic I inevitably came to the conclusion that I was bigger than all of them
That made me feel very ill at ease
Like I didn't belong there
Like I wasn't sick enough
It really messed with my head

I've been in treatment a few times over the years
And I've experienced ED competition every time
We would sit around and compare war stories

'I've had my ED for 10 years'

'I've lost Xlbs in the last year'

'I've had an NG tube 3 times.

'Well I've been in inpatient for the last 18 months'

'My doctor told me I was the worst case he's ever seen'

'I purge until I see blood'

And it can go on and on like this

I don't need to tell you how unhealthy this is
But I have had conversations like this
I have competed to be the thinnest and the sickest

Why do we do this?
Maybe because it's all we have
Maybe because we need to feel like we deserve the title of eating disordered
Maybe because we don't feel worthy
Whatever the reason
It is because of this that I have never progressed in treatment
Being surrounded by other sick girls all day everyday
Spending so much time with each other
We start to feed off each other
Copy each other
Mimic each other

I remember during my last stint in treatment
I was experiencing severe constipation
So I started to take a glass of prune juice with my meals
One by one all of the other girls started to copy me
And soon all of them were also taking prune juice with their meals
Constipation or no constipation
It was comical really
But it's just one example of the way things can in treatment

But of course it's not just us ED girls that are competitive
I've known friends to compete over anything and everything
I hate that we can be like this
I hate the one-up-man-ship that goes along with female friendships
Why can't we be happy for each other as we progress in life?
Why can't be celebrate each others lives?
Instead of feeling jealous and envious
We should be standing together
Instead of pitting ourselves against one another
We need to be there for each other
In good times and bad

I think this feeling of competition comes from insecurity
If I am feeling bad about myself
The I am surely going to feel left behind if one of my friends gets a promotion at work
I think we need to work on our self esteem
If we are going to eliminate this competition between us
We need to build our confidence
Be sure of our talents and abilities
So we can celebrate the victories in our friends lives




I was wondering about you
Have you experienced girl competition?
How did you handle it?
How do you think we can eradicate this phenomenon?