Teenage Kicks

Because now I no longer smoke
And have long since given up drugs and alcohol
I have had to find other ways to get my kicks
To escape
To check out of reality for a little while
To get out of my own head momentarily
Drugs and alcohol are very effective at doing this
They literally get you out of your head
But having used them for years
The high wore off
Because of all the crap that goes with them
They are expensive
The wear off relatively quickly
And you build up a tolerance to them
So you have to take more and more to get the same effect
Plus drugs are illegal
So you run the risk of being stopped or arrested
Also drugs can kill
You would think that would be the top reason why I stopped taking them
But actually that's probably part of the reason that I did take them
So I would die

Anyway
Drugs are more trouble than they're worth
And for me the biggest high was the anticipation
Those few minutes before taking the drug
When you knew you were just moments away from oblivion
Your heart thumps
Your skin goose bumps
Your brain is just waiting for the delicious feeling of warmth and numbness
That feeling is almost better than the drug itself

And alcohol
Well, I stopped drinking because I was a horrible drunk
I either became loud and obnoxious
Or teary and emotional
I just couldn't handle my booze
I didn't like myself very much when I drank
And the hangovers just weren't worth it
So that had to go too

Then came my ED
When I had my addiction under control
My ED always came to the surface
A very effective way to have the illusion of control
Because of course I wasn't in control at all
The disorder had me by the neck
But I went along thinking that I was ok
Even when I lost all the weight
Even when I was so weak
I couldn't walk up my stairs
I just couldn't let it go
I couldn't stop
I couldn't see anyway out
I couldn't see life beyond my illness
My life consisted of doctor appointments
Hospital stays
Treatment
It was like a merry-go-round
A twisted, fucked up carnival ride

I had short periods of time when my ED sudsided
But that was because I was abusing my meds
Another addiction
This went on for too long
My poor mother
I don't know how she stayed sane through it all
Me dopey
And falling asleep at the drop of a hat
I don't know how she put up with me
I can't remember how or when it happened
But I did start to take my meds properly
Probably because they had been increased
And I had enough per day to still be in a state of falling asleep
Now for the most part I take them properly
There is probably one a day a week when I misuse them
But things are a lot better than they were

I've smoked since I was 13
Cigarettes were my constant companion
I smoked when I was sad
When I was happy
When I was bored
When I was anxious
When I couldn't sleep
And whenever and where ever I could
I always had cigarettes on me
Was always ready to go for a 'cheeky smoke'
I had been mentally preparing myself to give up for weeks
I didn't tell anyone
Just incase it didn't work out
And then I stopped
That was 19 days ago
I haven't had so much as a drag since then
Everyone I tell is really surprised
Because I smoked so much you see
And I really did love my smoke
It was like a little time out
5 minutes to myself to sit and think and smoke
I did my best thinking when I was smoking
God how I miss that
But now I am officially a non smoker
And I love that I am a non smoker
Although I do get jealous when I see someone lighting up
I look at them longingly
And inhale the second hand smoke
Need to stop doing that

So what has replaced all these vices?
Well I've tried exercise
Swimming and hill walking
They were good
But no substitute
I tried travel
And found out that I am a home bird
And shopping
I've shopped a lot for clothes
I see something in a shop
Or on line
And I think that my life would be complete
If I only had that pair of Fat Face jeans
Or Blowfish boots
I especially love buying online
Because then you get  package delivered
And these is nothing more exciting than getting a package delivered
I ordered a pair of boots a couple of weeks ago
I was out when the postman came
So he left me a note to call in to the post office after 4pm
Well 4pm couldn't come soon enough
I was like a child on Christmas Eve
The anticipation was thrilling
What is that feeling like?
Yes you've guessed it
It's just like that feeling I used to get before I took drugs
So when I got the parcel
I resisted the urge to rip it open
Put it on the passenger seat of my car
And broke the speed limit driving home
I got home at brake neck speed
Tore in to my house
Held the package for a moment
Relishing the feeling
And ripped the package open
To find my new size 5 Blowfish boots
I took them out and admired them
Very nice
Very nice indeed
I immediately put them on to wear them
But that's the thing
Once I have worn them once
The novelty kind of wears off
Because they're not new any more
So it's back to square one

So that's the story of my addictions
The ups and downs
The highs and the lows
I really am a teenager in an adults body
Now I'm off to do some more internet shopping
(Will I ever learn?)