I have not being weighing
And haven't done so in the past couple of months
So I have no earthly clue what I weight
And didn't really want to know either
But for the past week my curiosity has been pricked
I threw my scale in to the lake a few months ago
But there is another scale in the house
So I got it out this morning
It took me a few hours to psych myself up to do it
I stripped as I always do
And stood looking down at the scale
Wondering if this was a good idea or not
I had some numbers in my my mind
Acceptable numbers
Not acceptable numbers
Safe numbers
Dangerous numbers
I held my my breath
As if the air in my lungs would effect the number
I closed my eyes
and tentatively stepped
I must have stood there for 30 seconds or more
Daring myself to look down
My anxiety was through the roof
My heart was thumping
Adrenalin was surging through my body
You would think that I am exaggerating here
But I'm really not
It really caused me that much stress
Because I know how knowing that number can effect me
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
It has such an effect on me
And I hate that it does
I hate that the number has so much power over me
I finally managed to open my eyes
And look down
To my surprise it read 'Low' on the screen
For a second I was confused
As I'd never seen that before
What does that mean?
That the scale has decided that I am a low weight?
Then I realized
Low meant that the battery was low
And so it couldn't give me a reading
Well if that isn't a sign I don't know what is
I didn't even look for a battery
The universe had decided that I shouldn't know my weight today
So I am not gonna argue with it
But it does leave me with a dilemma
Should I get a battery?
Should I weight myself in the doctors tomorrow?
Should I just leave well enough alone?
When I was with Mary last week
She suggested that I weigh once a week
Is that a good idea right now?
I really don't know
What do you think?
To weigh or not to weigh?
That is the question.......
Can you deal with whatever consequences without relapsing in ED behaviour?
ReplyDeleteI personally don't see much profit in knowing your exact weight right now. When it's lower than you think your ED might be 'fed' with certain thoughts, and when it's higher than you think or can deal with (which is probably the outcome, no matter what your weight is, when ED mind takes over, every outcome sucks) your ED might kick back as hard as it can, and demand your attention and what then? Will you be strong enough to keep going? To still make the right choices, if ED makes you feel that they're not?
Try to play out the scenes in your head, and what your reactions will be.... then you'll know. If the number on the scale makes all the difference on your day.... it might not be time yet...
(L)
Well that is just it A
DeleteI have never been able to handle what the scale says
It always ends badly
So really I am asking for trouble by wanting to weigh myself
I have been living by theory to go by how I feel
And not by how I look
And I feel ok
Sow why mess with that?
It's just that my diet is really bad at the moment
Living off crisps and chocolate
And I don't want to tip in to being over weight
So I would like to know my weight in that respect
Anyway
It has been decided today
I won't know unless I decide to get a battery for my scales
And I am undecided about that......
But thanks A
You make some really good points
I hope you're doing ok? x
A made i lot of good points.i make one: THAT was a sign.leave at that and knowing that you are a size 8. Period.(no pun intended) ;)
ReplyDeleteSry speed(typo) typing from phone
ReplyDeleteHe he, you and your speed typing!
DeleteBut yes I think it was most definitely a sign
And as you know I do take notice of these signs x
When I read 'period' I always think of tampons. But still (we all know I'm crazy, right?)
ReplyDeleteIf the problem is your diet, why not think of options to manage thát a little better, instead of weighing yourself and almost 'providing' yourself an excuse to run back in ED's arms? Cause you already know that crisps and chocolate aren't all you need in a day. You know about vitamines and minerals and so on...
And a also agree with Lily, if your certain size clothes still fit, the is no possibility, not in the slightest, that you are overweight. And I think you know this too....
Listen to Lily and the part of yourself who wants a future taking courses and writing for a magazine...
(L)
This makes a lot of sense
DeleteEvery Sunday I tell myself that tomorrow I am going to eat better
And every Monday I never do
My sister makes lovely dinners every day
And I purge them
Only to eat a bar of chocolate afterwards
It makes so sense and it's driving me crazy
So you are right
I just have no clue what to eat
Or how much
I think that's why I eat things from packets
Because there is an ending
Does that make sense?
Like if I was to eat say, pasta
I'd have no clue how much
And I'd be afraid that I would never stop eating
This all sounds a bit mad I think
But these are the kind of things that go through my head
Help! x
Then why not ask your GP about some sessions with a dietician or nutrionist? To learn about products and portion sizes and what you might or might not need?
ReplyDeleteI know there are a lot of lists going 'round on the internet, but it's just better to go to someone yourself and make a personal connection and plan. Someone who can help you take little steps at the time and take in cosideration your likes and dislikes...
(L)
I spoke to my sister today about getting in to some sort of healthy eating
DeleteSo we are going to work out a plan for every day
I feel a bit better about the whole thing now that I know I can do something constructive about it
Thanks for your help A, as always x
Sorry to but in on this but I saw this and thought it'd be helpful for you here, re. healthy eating. Anyways, hope it helps:
Deletehttp://foodmatters.tv/articles-1/7-tricks-to-eat-healthy-all-week
Thanks my love
DeleteI just read this and it was really helpful
The whole site is great!
I feel a lot more positive about things now
And talking to my sister really helped too x
I weigh, but that is because I am obese. Weighing during recovery though... I don't think I could stop myself, but it would probably be a good idea to stay away.
ReplyDeleteI know I shouldn't
DeleteBut sometimes the curiosity gets the better of me
But I won't
For today anyway x
I think it depends on what You think you're capable of, do you think, even if it's a "high, dangerous" number that you will still have self control to keep going through with recovery, to keep eating and make yourself focus on yourself getting healthier still. If not, i'd say don't weigh.
ReplyDeleteThe most important part is how you feel, and you've been doing so well with that, I wouldn't want you to ruin it right now!
<3
Me neither Kay
DeleteAs everyone has said
The number really doesn't matter
And it will only drive me bananas and have me back obsessively weighing x
I'm not an opinionated person, in fact, I go out of my way to avoid giving an opinion, but in this case, I have to say, without doubt, do not weigh yourself. I am well aware that me writing this is incredibly hypocritical, so you have every right not to listen, but I'm going to say it anyway because it is coming from the voice of experience, as you already know yourself.
ReplyDeleteWeighing won't do you any good, and you know, whatever the number is, your ED will berate you and make you feel bad, worse than bad. The number does not define your worth. You have come on leaps and bounds in the last few weeks and months, and I think that weighing yourself will sabotage and destroy all your amazing work. You say you've been going by how you feel inside you - keep going with that feeling, because that feeling comes from real things, positive things happening in your life, rather than a feeling based on an arbitrary number.
I agree with Lilly - the scales saying 'Low' was a sign. You can tell yourself that your weight is 'Low', and that's all you need to know. Now go and carry on living your life, springing from leaps and bounds, onwards and upwards.
Please don't weigh. Xx
I know Angharad
DeleteYou are right
And everyone here is right
I appreciate your thoughts about this
It seems that we know what each other should do
But when it comes to ourselves
It's not so straight forward
Hope you're doing ok love? x
I couldn't help but laugh when you asked if the scale thought you were at a low weight. I do definitely think it's a sign that today was not the day to weigh yourself. I think weighing yourself once a week is solely(sp) based on how you feel. I remember weighing myself several times a day. Now I do it once a week. And each week I am actually surprised I don't gain like 5lbs between weigh-ins. Do what makes you feel comfortable dear.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Once a week is definitely the better option
DeleteI just don't know if I am even ready for that
God I just don't know any more
My head is so wrecked........ x