I have no earthly clue what weight I am
Part of me is really curious
And really wants to know the number
I guess that's the ED part of me
But another part of me knows that it is a really bad idea
And it's not a good idea to know the number
The other night I was just getting out of the shower
And I had a huge urge to weigh
But I didn't
I'm afraid of my reaction
I'm afraid it will send me running back in to the arms of my ED
As I have said before
I am going by how I feel
Not by how I look
Or what the scale says
And I feel pretty ok
My mood is stable
My outlook is positive
For the first time in my life
I feel that I may have a future
I may have a happy ending to this story
So I'm not going to weight
I don't want my bubble to burst
I have an idea of what my weight is
I can make an educated guess
I would say that I have gained over 15kg since February
But if I thought about it too much
I would seriously crack up
So I'm not going to think about it
Not one little bit
I used to weigh multiple times a day
And when I came out of treatment
My weight dropped to 40kg
I felt fat at that weight
Even though logically I knew I was severely under weight
I couldn't see it
And I sure didn't feel it
My body image has improved over that last few months
I can now see that I am not
And never have been fat
Now don't get me wrong
I still have fat days
I still have times where I feel like a beached whale
But over all
Things have improved
When I was very under weight
Gaining weight was the worst thing I could think of
But now that I am a healthy weight
I can see that it's not so bad
I have boobs
And hips
And curves
I don't have the body of a male child any more
I was in my doctor's waiting room on Monday
I was flicking through a magazine
And I came across an article about a girl with anorexia
She had become very ill
There were photos of her
She was so frail and small
For a split second I felt jealous of her
For a split second I wanted to lose all the weight I had re-gained
How messed up is that?
I saw her emaciated body
And I was massively triggered
I had to give myself a good talking to
To remind myself of what comes along with an under weight body
The cold
The fear
The anxiety
The feeling of impending doom
The depression
The loneliness
The suicidal thoughts
Is it worth it?
Absolutely not
No way
No how
Rationally I know that I am not over weight
My clothes still fit
I would say I am a size 8 (UK)
But I am just conscious that I have given up smoking
And I tend to eat instead of smoke
I always used to have a smoke after eating
It was a way to finish off a meal
Now that I don't smoke
I have nothing to finish off the meal
So I tend to eat more
I'm sure this will calm down
I am only off the smokes 16 days
The say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit
I am nearly there
One thing that I do a lot of
Is comparing my weight to others
When I'm walking down the street
I am looking at others
And wondering if I am bigger or smaller than that person
If I am thinner I feel pleased with myself
If I am bigger I feel like crap
I just keep having to remind myself that my body is just a shell
It's just the vessel the carried my soul and my personality
Most people don't care if I am little or large
The people who love me
Love me for me
Not what weight I am
I know that I don't judge others by their weight
So why do I think that others judge me?
I feel ok in my body at the moment
It still feels very new
And unfamiliar
There is more of me
More flesh
More skin
It still feels strange
But I am getting used to it
I am getting used to looking healthy
I still get a lot of comments on my appearance
But now I am able to take them and say thank you
I'm able to accept that I am getting better
I am recovering
I am living
I'm alive
I was wondering about you
Do you weigh yourself?
How often?
I weigh myself once a day, but only count Saturdays.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you Ruby. When I see girls that are skinny, I am instantly comparing myself to them. Right now it's very difficult for me to accept the body that I am in, seeing this is the highest weight I've been in years. I remember there was a point in time when I promised I'd never get to triple digits, but I guess it goes with the territory. I weigh myself once a week. Usually the mornings of my doctor appointments, so I know my "real" weight, and not just what their scale says.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of how far you've come. I bet you feel so much better than you did when you were severely underweight. Keep up the good work. And yay for 16 days smoke free. What an accomplishment!
XOXO
I try not to weigh myself too often because it's very triggering for me. Like right now, I feel very good and content, but if I weighed myself, i'd instantly go into a frenzy of dieting and self loathing, just for a number. it seems so silly when you really think about it.
ReplyDeletealso, i love that you said "I know that I don't judge others by their weight
So why do I think that others judge me?"
That has been HUGE thought in my recovery, because I realized, who I love, who my friends are, I don't love them for their weight, I love them because they're funny, or understanding, or kind, I never once think about, wow I really love so so for their figure. So sometimes when I get self conscious (I get really quiet and awkward), I just remember, why do i love people? Because their FUN TO BE AROUND, so I need to quit being so damn quiet and self loathing and start being fun and loved!
<3 Good things to think about! Great post! <3
Avoiding the scales has really helped me avoid those drastic mood changes. For years I weighed several times a day, but it's been maybe two years since I've weighed daily, except for a few blips. I had this moment of clarity and realized that at times it was the number on the scales that made me want to lose more weight, just to see a lower number, not because of what the number represented. I'm strangely content being blind weighed each week and just knowing if it's gone up/down/maintained, and only weighing myself 'properly' every few months, if that. It's one less trigger, at least.
ReplyDeleteWell done on making it to 16 days! That's amazing. Maybe you could try to make it a ritual to finish a meal with a cup of tea, maybe with a biscuit? When I've been in hospital and not been able to smoke I tend to turn to tea and coffee.
xx
I have been trying to figure out how to compliment you appearance with minimal risk of being triggering:
ReplyDeleteThere is a glow to your skin, a spark in your smile, and a light in your eyes that absolutely was not there when you were sickest.
I hope that is ok.
I know that not weighing challenge. I myself know I am overweight. I do compare myself to others. I don't know if I'm that big or less. I own a scale, but I haven't used it in months. Oddly enough, it's in my kitchen which has more room than my bathroom. The last time I was weighed was during treatment.
ReplyDeleteI do hate (and this is all my case) trying to judge by how my clothes fit. They all fit. That's not an issue. I wonder if they're looser or tighter. If I bought clothes that were too big or if I am smaller. I HATE the whole concept of body size and image.
I do know that when I am well (eating disorder and alcohol) I look different. I guess I look alive. I don't notice the bags under my eyes and exhausted look. I'm always pale. I try to go by people who say I look well. I go by if I feel well mentally. I'm trying to detach that from my physical form. I really should throw out the scale. It's cheap and probably not accurate and it really doesn't matter.
Weight becomes such an awful thing once we become aware of it. It really means very little. Health issues may matter and may be related to size, but the scale is an awful thing.