So
Yesterday it was driving me up the freakin' wall
That I wanted to know my weight and couldn't find out
I searched the house for a suitable battery
No luck
I thought about driving to the shop to get one
But I couldn't get myself together in order to do that
And anyway
The rational part of me knew that I shouldn't do it
After my talk with my sister yesterday
I dug out my food scales
So I can judge the portions that I am serving myself
It also needed a battery
And ti happened to be the same type of battery that my weighing scales needs
So today
After the doctor and the pharmacy
I went to buy a new battery
Telling myself that it was for my food scales
But knowing that I was going to weigh myself also
I got home
And went straight to my room
I didn't give myself a chance to think about it
Or to talk myself out of it
I wanted to know
I just had to know
Whatever part of me it was
The eating disordered part
Or the rational, logical part
Wanted and had to know
I quickly replaced the battery
And stripped to my socks, bra and pants
(Contrary to pro-ana 'tips and tricks' your underwear does not effect the number, at all!)
I stood on the scale
The number flashed up red
And registered in my brain
It was actually bang what I thought and feared it would be
I stepped off and re-dressed
I wasn't sure how I felt
Part me was completely disgusted
Because the last time I saw that number
I swore I would never be back there again
I immediately wanted a smoke
So freakin' badly
But I am 3 weeks smoke free to day
And I didn't want to mess that up too
I went to my kitchen and started to interrogate my mother and sister
'What weight do you think I look?' I asked my mother
'About 7 and a half stone' she replied
I actually laughed when she said this
Because even the thought that I am that weight is just ludicrous
My sister wouldn't answer my questions
And flat refused to get in to a conversation with me about weight
Simply saying 'I don't care what you weigh'
I couldn't actually say the number
So I wrote it down and showed my mum and sister
My Mother was delighted
'Wow, that's great she said'
She genuinely seemed happy
I wish I could say that I felt the same
Next thing was to work out my BMI
It's 21
Twenty
One
I haven't been in the twenties in so long
It's all a bit overwhelming
I probably shouldn't have weighed at all
I should have left well alone
I should have taken all your sound advice
But I did what I usually do
I pressed that big red self destruct button
Because I seem to like to torture myself
Because I am a glutton for punishment
Because I seem to enjoy fucking things up for myself
As I typed this
My sister put a plate of toast down in front of me
But I can't bring myself to eat it
All of a sudden Anorexia is screaming in my head
Berating me
Making fun of me
Insulting me about my weight
I didn't buy any chocolate or crisps today
They are out of the question
Absolutely out of the question
I can't lie
I want to lose
I want to be less
Just a little bit
Until I feel comfortable in my own skin again
Even though I know how this story ends
Even though I know even the very thought of trying to lose weight is ridiculous
The urge is there
It's proving hard to resist
God dammit why do I do this to myself?
I'm hoping this feeling will subside
That the initial shock of seeing the number will dissipate
I can't tumble back down the rabbit hole
I can't put myself and my family through that again
But sometimes I feel powerless to resist
I need to get my head together
Get back on track
But I feel quite alone with this
Because I have no Mary anymore
I haven't got her reassurance
I need to use my own resources
I can't let this slip turn in to a relapse
I just can't
I have too much to lose
And I don't just mean weight
If my camera was working I would show you a photo of myself
But it's not
So I can't
Maybe that's a good thing
Any thoughts?
If you act according to your ED now, and make the number on the scale decide what the next week will look like.... well, then you lost. You did not loose wieght, which would be a useless thing, you will loose your life eventually. Your progress, your struggle.
ReplyDeleteYou cannot recover unless you learn to accept that your body will finds its own form and shape and weight eventually. By weighing youself in the middle of the storm, you will act on false information. Your body hasn't had any time to adjust yet.
You don;t eat right, not even close, and do I need to remind you how much you still purge?
So you know what your poor body does now it finally at least gets sóme calories? It freaks out and stores the hell out of it.
And be honest, wouldn't you? If somebody would starve me to death for years and I could get my hands on some food I would defend it with everything I had. Even though it would mean store it on my stomach.
If you develop a meal plan, and learn to eat in a reasonable healthy way, if you stop purging and whatever else ED tells you to do, and you maintain that for a good few months, maybe even a year, you will see everything stabilizing. And probably not at the currrent weith, forms and shapes.
And if you don't believe me, go and read all you can about the Minnie Maud method. See how much people need to eat and what they have to neglect doing in order to maintain a little weight.
It's just your body telling you you're misstreating it ....you still are...
Please stop listening to an ED. That's not a friend. Not a loved one. That won;t save you. Won't mail you in the middle of the night when you panic. It's just there to mess with your mind and try to kill you.
Please don't let it.
You make a lot of sense A
DeleteI know that this is a knee jerk reaction
And I probably shouldn't have weighed at all
Because as you say it wasn't really accurate
I will still forge ahead with my meal plan
And try to stay as healthy as possible
You are right
I still have one foot in my ED
And I have an awful lot of work to do
I need to give myself a chance
I have calmed down a bit
I will have my lunch
And try not to think about numbers
I guess I just have safe numbers in my head
And I am way above that now
I'm not giving up though
I still want to recover
I just need to be careful
Very careful x
And be open sweety. If not here, then at least to a friend, your sister or someone you trust. Because the moment you restart keeping secrets and so.... you know.. ED has its foot in the door again and makes moves in your space...
ReplyDelete(L)
I will A
DeleteI promise x
Hey Ruby,
ReplyDeletePlease don't let this set you back, you've made such good progress not only externally but also inside your head. Try to think of it this way: the only difference between today and yesterday is that you know how much you weigh. You probably weighed the same yesterday, the day before that, the day you had the power to give up smoking, and all of the days you've said 'I'm going by how I feel inside, not how I look on the outside and I feel really good'. So you see, a few days ago you would not have rejected the toast even though you probably weighed the exact same as you do now. The only difference is that you know the number. Just trying to put a different perspective on things.
From the 'And then she reappeared' girl xx
Thanks lovely
DeleteI know what you are saying
It's actually the following day now
And I feel a bit better
I know what I need to do
And I want to do it the healthy way x
Ruby, a BMI of 21 is perfectly healthy and a great thing. I do think your sister's suggestions about getting your diet more in check, more healthy, is definitely a good idea. I don't, however, think you should go it alone. If you are going to try and measure and plan, please get your family's help - it seems dangerous to me to leave you to your own devices, because your ED will be so quick to swoop in and destroy your good intentions.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you probably know this from personal experience and the experience of others, that when you first gain in recovery, you sometimes then settle back down into a slightly lower weight. Just try and listen to your body and stay away from that wretched scale.
And bravo on 3 weeks smoke free!
This is true my dear
DeleteI know doing this my way is heading for a disaster
My sister and I did up a meal plan last night
And yesterday went well food wise
Yes, a lot of people have said that they over shot their set point at first
So I am hoping that my body will settle down naturally
Here's hoping
And thank you! x
I could have written this post....I have been through this so so many times. I am going along, okay with my recovery, and then decide I need to weight myself (even though I KNOW it will only make me feel bad) and then I am totally destroyed inside.
ReplyDeleteYou have come so far and I am so proud and happy for you. Going backwards only means you will have to go through this again. You're getting to the hardest parts, but also the best parts because things can only go up from here.
Hang in there.
Thanks Kaylee,
DeleteThis is true
I really don't want to have to go through the re-gain of weight again
If I want to get well I have to do this sometime
So I may as well keep going instead of turning back
Thank hun x
OK. just ignore it. i overshot, too, in recovery. I do not mean that you overshot that bmi is nothing, i am just saying that my weight went down again once my eating normalised and my metabolism adjusted and only then it stayed stable. send my love to your sis, she is soooo right. Ruby, you silly silly girl!
ReplyDeleteYou are a superstar for not smoking for three weeks!!!
Thanks Lilly
DeleteYes alot of people have said that about over shooting
I just need to be patient and hold on
My body will sort itself out
Yay for 3 weeks!!! x
Oh my goodness I can't even imagine how triggering that was for you. Just reading this is making me freak out a little. But not because of your weight, because of how you reacted to it.
ReplyDeleteI am so sad that you gave in, because now that's going to stay with you unless you choose to get it out of your mind. Focus on how you feel, not how much you weigh. And if you feel horrible, focus on what you're doing.
Also just saying, a BMI of 21 is excellent and nowhere near what any sane person would think looks bad.
It was Emily
DeleteAnd it was my own fault
I swear I wish I could just get out of my own way for once! x
What "thewritenamedA" wrote is spot on. And I can't add much more that is either meaningful or helpful because she has articulated it so well. However, at some point in our lives we have to face the very things we know have the potential to send us spiralling. And actually maybe this time was right for you- yes it was really really hard and difficult and yes it have anorexia some fuel...but anorexia only grows if you feed into it and maybe this could be the ultimate "screw you" to anorexia, like with the scales in the water. Ok, seeing the number is hard, but Ruby, a healthy BMI is 20-25 according to real life, not our skewed society that kids people that 18.5 is healthy. Maybe it is for a very few people but mostly not. And therefore 21 is still very much at the lower end of healthy. And our bodies take time to adjust and sort themselves it anyway. You know this. You've seen it in others. Your body is no different, as much as anorexia tells you it is. You really are unstoppable- you've kicked the drugs, you've kicked the smokes, you can kick anorexia. And the constant drive and determination that takes means you pretty much can do anything. It's bloody hard work and sometimes there may be blips. But blips are not failures or relapses because you just get back up and keep going. And keep talking. And writing. And if I could see your sister now I'd give her the biggest hug and thank you ever- what an amazing support you have right there. I'm sure you love her for her and not the size on her clothes' labels or the number on some electronic box? You are no different. I wonder if it would help, in her absence, to think "what would Mary say?" Anyways, keep on keeping on and keep on listening to your sister. A wise woman indeed. I can see it runs in the family.... Cxx
ReplyDeleteThis is true C
DeleteI do not measure how much I love people by what their clothes size says
So why do I judge myself?
This is a really good point
I am blessed to have amazingly strong women around me
My sisters and my mother
The carry me when I can't do it myself
Hope you're well C x
I think you need a pinch test to fully know what your bmi is. It requires pinching all the areas like your quads and your lats and doing a mathematical equation to tell what it is so I wouldn't worry too much. If you are, so what? I mean, what does it change? Are you somehow less yourself? Uglier? Less intelligent and more dull? I mean, I think you were living half an existence before, hating the things you were doing to your body and your family and making excuses to out off someday. You finally said nope, today is the day. Mourn that old life. Mourn the identity that you created for yourself in order to maintain a facade of the control you thought you had but never did. Mourn it then bury it. The dying animal becomes the most vicious and your ED is dying. There is no more ammo left. Let it die. Don't make excuses for it. Don't provide it aid. Walk away. You have the opportunity to overcome this hurdle and it's scary, but your creating your new identity and your healthy life where you can achieve your goals and your family doesn't have to worry that you're going to die in the next 24 hours. I'm sorry I'm giving you the nitty gritty painful stuff but it's because I care and I've been there. Read it for a moment then remember how good you feel and how great you look. Move on. Lots of love and hugs
ReplyDelete