500

So today is my 500th post
Which is a bit of a milestone
So much has happened
I started writing this blog May 2012
At time I wasn't interested in recovery
In fact in the beginning my blog was quite unhealthy
I wrote about fasting
And taking diet pills
And generally being a bold Ruby

The last two and a bit years really have been a roller coaster
I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
I spoke at an eating disorder conference
I met Mary
I travelled to Australia to see my sister
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
But I am still here
Just about

Things have changed a lot since 2012
My mind set has shifted
I'm not entirely sure when or why
Probably when my meds were changed around
And we finally found a combination that worked
My mood lifted
And that made everything else so much easier
I had been purging endlessly every day
Spending so much money on food
Not to mention stealing food
I remember one night when my Dad was staying here
I used to wait until he had gone to bed
And then start binging
This particular night
He went to bed as usual
As soon as I heard his footsteps up the stairs
I headed for the kitchen
And raided the presses
I put a pot of pasta on
And began making a sandwich to have while I was waiting
Next thing I heard the kitchen door open
I had been so engrossed in my binging
That I didn't hear him coming down the stairs
He came in and caught me mid binge
He just shook his head
And walked back out
I can remember feeling so shit
But I couldn't stop
I was out of control

There were days when I thought I was going mad
I remember going to my Mother one morning
And telling her that I thought I needed to sign myself in
Because I thought I was losing it
And I really did
My thoughts were becoming so warped
I was paranoid
Couldn't be around people
Couldn't make sense of anything
And the binging and purging was reaching crisis point
My Mother sat me down and spoke to me
I remember I went out with her that day
I felt a little better
But only a little

Having the pancreatitis was a real low point
It was after that
That I lost all the weight again
And got really sick

Then of course there was treatment
This time last year I was preparing to go to hospital
I was so motivated before going in
But when I got there
It all just evaporated
Things went downhill
I couldn't let myself gain weight
I manipulated staff to get more meds
I purged multiple times every day
Then was discharged just before Christmas

Christmas came and went
I had a family wedding
So that was quite stressful
I went back in to treatment around New Year
But I didn't do anything different
And I've since come to the conclusion that treatment just doesn't work for me
It's just too hard being around other girls with EDs
There was a constant competition
To be the thinnest
And the sickest
It just didn't work

I came out of treatment in February
And continued to slip
My weight dropped the lowest it's been in years
The outlook was grim
I sank in to depression
I was so lost
So low
So hopeless
This culminated in an overdose
Which I told nobody about
It wasn't until a week later that I told Mary
She took action immediately
And I saw my psychiatrist the next day
He put me on 40mg of Prozac
But I didn't hold out much hope
I have put on so many meds over the years
And they rarely helped

But then something happened
The dark cloud in my mind began to lift
The heaviness shifted
And my mood started to get better
Bit by bit
That made everything a little bit easier
The binging and the purging miraculously ceased
Not completely
But it was a hell of a lot better
Mu quality of life improved
I started to see my friends again
I got out in to the world again
It's was a feakin' revelation my friends

My weight began to increase right around the time I started the Prozac
But I'm pretty sure that it wasn't just the meds
It was the fact the I was a lot more relaxed around food
I can't lie
The weight gain has been really difficult to come to terms with
It's probably the hardest part of all of this
But I'm  listening to the advice that my mother gave me
And I am going to hang in there

Other events were that
I gave up smoking after 20 years
I threw my scale in the lake
And I got finally got my teeth fixed

So that's the last two and a half years in a nutshell
It's been eventful to say the least
Let's just hope that the next two years are better

Happy 500th post blog!!!

Here's some photos from the last 2 years