I've been in a strange place the past couple of days
I can't really put words on how I feel
All I know is that on Thursday I was so hyper
So much so that my sister had to sit me down and try and get me to calm down
I just had so much nervous energy
And when I get nervous
I start to talk
And talk gibberish
We went to yoga Thursday morning
My sister and I were the only ones there
The instructor was talking to us
And I was anxious so of course I started babbling about how I live in a really scenic area
And I live in between two mountains
She must have thought that I was stone mad
And I probably am
I was supposed to meet a friend from treatment this week
I cancelled on her three, yes three times
I can't even tell you why I cancelled
It wasn't because I have gained weight
I know my friend sees beyond that
It wasn't because we were meeting for lunch and I didn't want to eat in front of her
It was because I didn't want to leave the comfortable bubble of my house
I wanted to stay at home and drift in and out of sleep
And not have to deal with real life
I have started giving my meds to my mother again
As I was misusing them again
My methadone has been reduced to 20mls now
Which is the lowest it's ever been
Although it would be great to be off the methadone completely
I am so afraid
I shit you not
I am afraid I won't be able to cope without it
I am afraid that I will get cravings for drugs
I am afraid that I will relapse
I'm afraid that my body is so used to methadone
That it won't know how to cope without it
I guess I will have another year before I am off it completely
And I have my other meds to rely on
But that is exactly the problem
I rely on them way too much
Really I am as addicted to them
As I was to heroin
Only this is a legal addiction
My sleep is another problem
I'm not letting myself get enough sleep at night
I stay up late
And get up really early
I can't get through the day without at least one nap
It's not healthy
I need to address this issue
Sometimes I wonder how well I really am
I look healthy
I give the appearance of being healthy
Most people I know have assumed that I have recovered from my ED
But have I really?
I got a text last night from a girl I was in treatment with
She asked me how I am getting on
And I told her I was a lot better
She admitted that she is struggling
Namely with purging
Then it hit me that I am still purging too
Every single day
Sometimes multiple times a day
That must mean that I am struggling too
Right?
Things have improved
They definitely have
But they were so very bad
That things now,m even though still rocky, seem a whole lot better
But I forget that I am still entrenched in my ED to an certain extent
I worry I am not moving forward
That I am stuck in this place
Somewhere between my ED and recovery
Isn't the point of recovery that you keep growing and moving forward
Not stand still
Treading water
Is this as good as it gets for me?
Is this as well as I can realistically hope to get?
What is the next step for me?
I know that I have a lot of work to do around food and eating
I know that I have to at least try and get the purging under control
It's easier to ignore these problems
To hide behind my healthy body
And smile
And say 'Yes, thank you, I am doing great!'
Is this an illusion?
Is my recovery a farce?
Am I an anorectic mind in a healthy body?
Am I fooling myself and every one else?
I'm so very confused
I want to get well
At least I want to want to get well
I miss Mary
She always helped me make sense of things
And right now I really need to make sense of things
I'm losing the will to live over here
Is it the twisted idea that attention will fade when we do not look sick anymore? I can only speak for myself but it helped me to realize that anorexia makes us look so old!! We think we maintain childhood but we start to have faces of old people.but maybe true ED people do not care about that
ReplyDeleteI know that I had the face of an old woman when I was underweight
DeleteAnd the body of a child
It didn't bother me
I don't think I could even see it
I don't know Lilly
I am in a strange place........ x
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Deletei know. this has been going on for so long that is why it will take its time, its ups and downs. i think you do not even see that you are appreciated for being you, kind, smart, beautiful - so many things. because you do not validate yourself. and the validation you got and get for being sick or an addict, this twisted reverse-validation, was still attention. but this kind will never be enough. otherwise you would seek it over and over again.
Deletei do apologize for being this honest. i hope you are able to see that i appreciate so o many things about you.
but i would be the worst friend there is - if i would appreciate/validate your sickness.
sry.
* you would NOT seek it over and over again sry
DeleteBut.. it just seems that you're living in Limbo all the time. Earlier this week you wrote about really making the choice for an ED free life. But the truth is, you don't. And that not meant to be critism just facing the facts. Yes, you've gained weight and I am super-proud, but as you yourself Always write here, an ED is really hardly about weight.
ReplyDeleteIt's about taking care of yourself.
And, you still don't take good care of yourself. I don't know about your healthy food plan, but I asume it still needs work?
Then there's the ongoing purging.
The sleeping.
And maybe more?
And I wonder. What is holding you back? You took the first step on recovery road but what about the rest of the walk?
I so understand you missing Mary, but is it an option to go and see someone else? Talk about all your doubts and fears.
See a nutrisionist about food to get yourself informed?
See a doctor to have hem explain about the long term consequences of an ED in yóur specific case?
I support you, no matter what and I a like you, no matter what. But I do worry.
(L)
(i type one handed so sorry about mistakes)
I know A
DeleteI know
Every now and then I get a spurt of recovery energy
And I feel really motivated
But how long does that last?
A few hours maybe
Then i slip back in to ED mode
I know that I have so much work to do
Weigh gain alone does not equate to recovery
I'm just having trouble taking the next step
I appreciate your support and honesty
I know it's not easy to hear
But I need to hear it x
Why can't you go back to Mary ? As physical recovery mostly comes way way before mind recovery - .
ReplyDeleteHolding on to a part of ED .. Just in case you ever should need it to return ??
Needing to know you "can" throw up , just in case ---- mustn't lose that skill ???
You know and have come so far forward to even identify what you have to do & how to get it .
Go and get it.
You know the answers , all of them . If it's the identity you fear - create a new one ,
If it's the Ed skills you don't want to loose - find new ones , find new places - new people -
Do some voluntary work if you can -
you have been to lots of places & seen lots of things - now see them in a new mind frame - think it's time ?
Tonnes of love
Rachel M xxxxxx
Mary's job is gone Rachel
DeleteThere really isn't anyone else to see who would specialize in EDs
It's just this transition from 'sick 'person to 'well' person that I am struggling with
It's tricky
And it's proving difficult
But your advice makes a lot of sense
Thank you x
You've commented on my blog before saying things like that you noticed strength in me or how I'm making baby steps in the right direction. That's exactly what you're doing. Except you've taken HUGE positive steps the last few months. It's hard for you to see. And yes you probably have a long way to go still. But there's real change. And that's exciting. It's creates more hope that things can get better and better. When ED is in your head it even stuffs up your recovery by making you feel like a failure for not being perfect even in that. But that's not true. You've made changes. You're making a better life for yourself. And you can keep doing that by taking baby steps. A few months from now you'll look back and see how far you've come. You CANNOT see it when you're in the thick of the day to day struggle. You feel like you're getting no where. But that's just ED's lies. Later down the road, you'll see how far you've come. Don't give up hope xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Destiny
DeleteI haven't given up hope
Just struggling a bit
Thank for this and your kind kind words
Hope you're doing ok x
Giving up an ED (or any addiction for that matter) is the hardest thing we can do.
ReplyDeleteI have so much faith in you Ruby, SO MUCH.
XOXO