It's time to be honest
I am struggling a bit
Having examined photos of myself from my last post
And others that have been taken recently
And I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed fat
It's not a feeling
It's not an emotion
It's not a state of mind
It's a fact
My body is big and cumbersome
My face is round and moon like
My ass could have it's own solar system
It's true
I have let myself go
And there has been major back lash
My purging is increasing
I had got it down to once a day
If even that
But over the last few days
It has crept up to multiple times a day
And there have been days when I have restricted too
It's so hard to admit this
But I have to
I have to be honest
What is the point in pretending that everything is ok
When it's not
I don't feel like myself
I feel like this weight does not suit me
I feel like there is so much of me
Too much of me
I guess it is normal to feel like this
This body is still very new
And everyone keeps telling me to hang in there
But being a person who wants everything NOW
That is proving very difficult
I keep finding myself thinking
'If I could only lose Xkg, then I would be happy'
But that's exactly the kind of thinking that got me in to this mess in the first place
Thinking that a certain weight equals happiness
I know better than to fall for that one
But still
It's so tempting
To eat less
And purge more
And weigh
And carefully record the numbers
To feel the buzz of an empty stomach
The relief of purging
It's so very tempting
Today I am not ok
And that's ok
It's ok not to feel f**king fantastic
Every minute
Or every day
It's ok to feel the pull of my eating disorder
The important thing is to keep talking and writing about
To keep telling on it
Her voice is so loud at the moment
A whisper has grown to be a roar
It's hard to stay strong all the time
It's exhausting trying to fight her day in day out
Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle
That there is no point in even standing up to my ED
I feel no match for her
It's days like this when I need to hear that I am doing ok
That it's ok to feel this way
It's days like this when I need to have a good cry
A cuppa and a smoke
Oh what I would do for a smoke and a cuppa right now
It's days like this when I need a hug from my nearest and dearest
I need to hear that everything is going to be alright
That I am going to be alright
That there is light at the end of this dark tunnel
That all this pain and suffering is not in vain
That I will get through this
And come out stronger than ever
I guess I am just jaded today
My body is hurting
My mind is in turmoil
I feel torn between what I know I should do
And what my ED wants me to do
I need to eat
It's the single most important thing about recovery
Food
And probably the single most difficult thing about recovery
I feel the pull of restriction
I count the hours since I have last eaten
And I feel a sense of satisfaction
Shit Ruby
That is so wrong
And it is a slippery slope
I need to be a bit kinder to myself
I need to be gentle
Treat myself the way I would treat anyone else
With love and patience
I''m not ok
Right now
Today
At this very minute
I am not ok
But I will be
I will get there
I will be ok........
Unfortunately I am very time limited right now so can't do your post justice but I ask you two questions, because I'm not so sure about your "fact".
ReplyDelete1. Do you see your sister as fat?
2. Is your clothes size a size that you think others who wear that size are fat?
3. (I know I said two questions but I'm greedy!) as much as you don't see other people in terms of their size and weight and shape, is it possible that you too can learn to not see yourself in terms of size and weight and shape, and see the Ruby we all see? The Ruby that has nothing to do with physical presence and is about who you are. Cxx
To answer your questions C
DeleteNo, I don't think my sister is fat
My clothes size is on the small size
And no, I definitely don't judge people in their size and shape
I thought that I had got that
That I am the only one who judges me in this way
Just over the last few days I have been feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin
I will get over this
I know I will
Just today I am struggling a bit x
It's ok to struggle you know? But it's what you do when you have struggles that's important. Especially so when there is an impulsivity tendency. But that's where having a family and especially Lea and Honey are so important. On my struggle days my dog and I are stuck together like glue. It doesn't matter so much what I then do (even if I spend the day in bed) because he is there to remind me to hang in there. And that he will be there even when I'm a miserable sod!! I used to hate this phrase but it's become comforting more recently: this too will pass. Take care Ruby and remember this too will pass cxx
Deleteyou are so far from being fat. but you are what you think you are, for better or worse. change your thinking.not your body.
ReplyDeleteplease its only normal, sometimes wanting everything NOW can be paralysing, hold you back. at least that what i have experienced, and because I was so impatient often things took much longer, because i didnt see clearly as i just acted on impuls so, if i'd been patient and accepted the bumbs and roadblocks and just moved forward steadily i would have gotten there much quicker. but i do understand, you know i do. and i said it a million times ruby, get busy! do something structure your day, slowly, but try.
ReplyDeletexxxx
I am so impulsive Lilly
DeleteI just jump in to things without even thinking
Like this journalist for example
I didn't do enough research before I spoke to her
And now I feel like I left myself in a vulnerable position
I know you understand
And I am grateful to have you as a friend as you know all this
And yes, I do need to get busy
The devil makes work for idle hands and all that.... x
shitty proverb but soo true unfortunately. do something small that makes you proud, every day.
Deleteha,ha, tell me about it, i am still stunned i got out alive some situations i simply got myself in on impulse&without thinking ;)...
xxxxxx
Just emailed you hun
DeleteTo tell you about what is happening x
Hi ruby
ReplyDeleteIts pia, anon from the clothes post
Its okay to feel not okay. It will pass.
You have a wonderful support group including Honey and Lea, spend some time with them to take your mind off whats troubling you. You win some battles, you lose some, but dont worry, being the fighter that you are...you will eventually win the war against these feelings.
I don't know what else to say to make you feel better, so HUGS and hang in there!
Hey Pia,
DeleteThank you for your comment and kind words
You are right
I do have wonderful support
And today I spent time with my mother and my dogs
She told me that she is proud of me
And that means more to me than any amount of weight loss could ever
I will get there
Just for today I'm not ok
But I will be x
And these sort of days may be there as well. It would be strange and unreal if from day one everything would be perfect. Then I would think you were in some kind of mental break down for real. It can't be perfect and jolly good and skip on home every day. You need time to adjust, get used to and get to know yourself every day. Everything you do now is new. And new might be better healthwise, we all know, but mindwise it's a struggle.
ReplyDeleteA new body, photo's with someone on there you hardly reckognize, days about doing stuff instead of eat-purge-eat-purge and so on.
It's all new.
And of course this is better, objectively, and you know, and we all know. But that does not mean it isn't hard and it's sometimes also almost nescessary to moarn over things lost. Cause you did leave a completely different life behind. It might not have been a healthy life, but it was yours. And it felt like yours.
And this new form of life will take some getting used to.
In my thoughts...
And you know you can always email me.
(L)
Thanks A for this
DeleteAnd I know it can't be easy to type with a broken arm
So I really appreciate this
It's true
Even the most well adjusted people have bad days
This is all new to me
And it's taking time to get used to it
I know that if I keep writing and talking and asking for help
That I will get there eventually
I will send you a little email later on x
Of course it's normal dear. And it's true, it's so hard getting used to a new body. And we all have bad days. None of what you are feeling is irrational at all. You have a huge support here on blogger dear Ruby.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I know
DeleteAnd I am blessed to have all of you behind me x
i dont know if this is any help to you and probably goes against every advice.but when i was getting better i set myself a target i was comfortable with and planned meals etc.i know i wasn't really letting go of the ed but it helped me to not panic until i was ready.most of the fear for me was loss off control.you feel like your in free fall? obviously this isn't the best way but its better than going back.i am the last person to give advice now as u know, but can only say what helped back then..youre doing great ,love jo x
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo
DeleteI think I am going to avoid weighing for a while
It just sets me off
So I am just going to go by how I feel on the inside x
also agree so much with being busy and with other people, then it doesn't seem so important,get writing that book! xx
ReplyDeleteO darling, no. Don't go there. Don't start thinking you're hideous, again. I am trying to find the right words, which is hard, because we are what we see in the mirror, and no matter what I say you have only one picture in your mind, but you are not fat. That doesn't mean shit, does it? You think, no, you know you're fat.
ReplyDeleteBut you aren't. Normal, well, hardly even that.
Thanks CP
DeleteI think it means more coming from someone with an ED
So it does mean something
It really does x
When you find yourself thinking something like this, stop and think about whether you are holding yourself to a different standard than other people. If you feel like you are an exception to the rules that apply to everyone else (what is a minimally acceptable healthy weight, what is a healthy weight range, what is a healthy size, what your weight and size say about you) then it is the ED lying to you. There will be bad days, but you have shown that you have the strength to get through them. Don't believe the lies.
ReplyDeleteI think that is something that a lot of us ED girls do
DeleteHold ourselves to a different standard
I just had a rough couple of days
But I feel I am coming out the other side
I have so much support and I am so grateful for that
And for your comment x
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"There are good days and there are bad days and this is one of them"
ReplyDeleteLawrence Welk.
Hi sweetheart,
I'm sorry I've been lurking in the background lately, don't feel worthy to be here... but I check in on you, you are always in my thoughts..
None of your pics are showing up, but I know that you are beautiful, your soul is beautiful, your personality is beautiful. You are kind, caring and considerate.
Be careful what you tell journalists.. they pretend they're your friend, they asks for pictures of pets etc, make you think they're your friend... I did an article in Take a Break years ago and I was *mortified*.. but I was young, you're wise.. You've already not mentioned much about your family, that was my mistake, they used me and my story, to get info about my mum and her husband.. But, you know what you're doing.
"I'm not okay, you're not okay and that's okay..."
Love you Rubes, you're doing *great* x
Oh so good to hear from you sweetie
DeleteI think of you often
And wonder how you are
Why do you not feel worthy to be here?
Of course you are
Please don't feel like that
I would love to get an update from you
If you feel up to it
I'd love to know how you are doing
Keep in touch
I've missed you x
Hey, I don't know... I just feel like a fraud, I don't know how to lose weight anymore :s it just won't shift... I'm more active, more involved, I have a dog now, that I walk daily.. I'm trying to eat small, but regular portions, to improve my absolutely dead metabolism.. if I ate as little as I have done, even 5 yrs ago, it would have dropped off, but my body has become wise and this last weight gain, around the time my son came to be, has been difficult to shift.. I got 50 lbs off and it stayed off, but I've been stuck since then =/ I feel *completely* uncomfortable in my skin too, to the point that I am totally self conscious and aware of every roll and protrusion on my body, when I'm speaking to people in person, is the worst, I feel like everybody is staring at all the gross parts that I hate... I've had a really bad year.. I will give you an update, but I'm not sure when... there's SO much, it's kind of overwhelming to think of where to start... but, it would probably help to get it all out.. so I might do it in some kind of segments or 'instalments' =/ I don;t know if I'll put it on my blog.. but if I decide not to, I'll email you for sure.. but I'm trying to be around more.. Isolating myself really didn't go well and it didn't help =/
DeleteI don't know if I missed it, but I didn't get a reply to my last email to you... It was a looong time ago now, that I wrote it though.
Do you know what happened with Rayya?? She was on my FB and MFP, but she just disappeared and her blog isn't there now =/ her account is, but I haven't noticed any comments from her, to anyone, whilst I was catching up.. Still got a few people to look up! But, you were the first person I had to come visit, lol.. You're the only person I know who's struggled with the same addiction and had an eating disorder. So, finding you was huge for me.. You'll always be a very special person to me. I'm sorry that I've been absent for so long..
You know the song, Wake Me Up, by Aloe Black? Avicii has a version too.. That's kind of where I'm at now... I can really relate to it... I've been so lost, but I didn't know it. Time to up now.
I've missed you too, Rubes.
*Love*
Oh wow.. don't you just miss my loooooooooooong replies!? LOL x
DeleteTime to wake up now***
Deletere: it's either eating or shopping. I need to have an outlet when I'm stressed and I need to lose this fecking suit of lard, so shopping it is. And that's where the stealing comes in, the money I need for the things that I *really* need. I see them there on eBay and get the sweats, just knowing that if I don't get that item I will think about the loss forever.
ReplyDeleteMy dad used to (as in often) throw away my toys when I was a kid. I can't deal with losing stuff, not even things I don't have yet.
I can relate
DeleteWhen I see a lovely pair of boots
Or an amazing pair of jeans
I can think about nothing else
And I think that my life would be complete if only I had them
So I do anything and everything to get that item
But the thing is
Once I have worn it once
I lose interest in it
And it just another item of clothing taking up room in my wardrobe x
Sorry you're feeling this way Ruby!
ReplyDeleteI've had moments like this. Days where I feel large. Days where I'm not happy. Days where I do dumb things such as restrict or purge.
I'm always disappointed in myself.
And as long as YOU know what you want, if you truly want recovery, then you will get there.
There are going to be good days, and hard days.
Truthfully, I think the hard days are what make it so worth it in the end, to look back and be like "wow, i really went through some shit, i've worked really hard"
I think you've worked so hard already! You're putting so much work into bettering yourself, and bad days like this just prove that you're real. That you are HUMAN.
A beautiful human at that.
I hope you start feeling better.
I'm also in a rough moment right now : / maybe you could read my post from today & comment on what you think? I'm having a rough time with a rude comment someone left and I know you've gone through that before.
Hey Kay,
DeleteI just read your last post and left a comment
So hopefully you will see that
Please don't give too much time or attention to comments like this
They are looking for a reaction
They want to push your buttons
The best thing you could do is ignore it
You know why you are doing what you do
You don't need t justify it to anyone
Least of all some random person on the internet
Ok sweetie? x
I just want you to know that I totally understand how you are feeling. I am struggling greatly with weight gain and feeling comfortable in my skin. I feel like it's getting better slowly but surely but I don't know if I will fully ever accept this body. I also have 'skinny' clothes and it makes me sad that I may never fit into them again. I don't want to get rid of them but having them around sucks.
ReplyDelete