Milestones

Today is a day of milestones
First things first
I am 5 weeks exactly off the cigarettes today
I can't quite believe it
When I decided to give them up
I had very little faith that I would be able to do it
Because you see I was such a heavy smoker
And relied on the so much
As an anxiety reliever
A stress reliever
I meal finisher (Not a word but you know what I mean)
I smoked when I was happy
When I was sad
When I was bored
Upset
Angry
And occasion was a reason to smoke
And smoke I did
Like it was going out of fashion

Two weeks before I gave up
My uncle brought me back 2 cartons from Turkey
That's 400 individual cigarettes
I  had it in my head that I would give up when they were all gone
So I went to town and smoked my little head off
The last supper as it were
Then on Monday morning the 11th August
I found myself with my last smoke
I saved it
I waited until I was gagging for it
I went out in to my Auntie's garden
Conditions had to be perfect
I made a cup of tea
Got my book
Found a comfortable place to sit
And lit my last cigarette
It was one of the nicest smokes that I have ever had
I relished it
Let the smoke swirl around my tongue before I inhaled in
And blew it out in little puffs
All too soon it was over
And I had to extinguish it
I didn't want to waver
So I quickly said my goodbye's
And walked away from my beloved smokes

Even though in the end I hated them
I don't regret smoking
I thoroughly enjoyed it when I did smoke
It helped me through hard times
Helped me celebrate good times
When I was at the end of my tether
A smoke always made things better
A cup of tea and a smoke really is heaven
I did my best thinking with a cuppa and  a smoke
And of course anything can be resolved with these things

I can't lie
When I see someone lighting up
I get very jealous
I look at them longingly
And even try to inhale some of their second hand smoke
I can't help myself
Do I miss them
Yes and no
Yes I would love one
But no I just can't do it

I didn't give them up for health reasons
I wish I could say that I did
But I didn't
I gave them up because I just couldn't afford them anymore
A 30 a day habit was costing me 15 Euro a day
That's 105 Euro a week
Maybe if I was working I could afford that
But I'm not
So I can't




Milestone number two
Is that I have reached 20mls of methadone
As in my methadone has been reduced to 20mls
I have been on methadone for 10 years
I was put on it after being addicted to heroin
It is an opiate substitute
It's a syrupy green liquid that I take once a day in the morning
Going without it will leave me with in serious withdrawal

I was originally put on 80mls of methadone
After a few years of slipping and sliding
I finally got to a place where I could begin to reduce it
So slowly but surely over the years it has decreased
And now I am on 20mls


I can't lie
I am terrified to come off it
The only thing that helps is that I know I have other meds to rely on
But still
It's hard
It's scary
It's unfamiliar
But in the same breath
It would be amazing to be off it
No doctor every week
No hassle when travelling
I would be free