Wednesday, 24 September 2014

TW

I weighed this morning
God knows why
But I did
I've lost weight
For the first time in I don't know how long
I've lost weight
I don't know how I feel about this
A mixture of thrilled and terrified
Losing weight always gives me the hunger to lose more
To starve more
To purge more
To be no more
To be less
I'm not trying to lose weight
And now I have triggered myself
I feel like such a hypocrite writing about this
When I wrote about finding it hard to read some blogs talking about weight loss
And now I'm writing about it myself

I need to not let this get to me
I need to carry on as if nothing had happened
It's probably just my weight settling down
But what worries me is that I carefully recorded the number in my new notebook
As if it mattered

Anyway
Hopefully it's just my weight adjusting
I just need to be strong
And not let this effect me
It's hard though
It's really hard.......
With love from at

10 comments:

  1. TheWriterNamedA24 September 2014 at 00:25

    But....
    Do you réally don't know why you weighed?
    What keeps on making you get on the scales?
    Because it really does not seem te be doing you any good....

    You're not in a phase of the process to handle this, it seems and it does worry me...
    The upgraded purging, the body image... everything...

    Do you see the ED taking you back again? In it's grubby little arms?

    Please.... make a plan. Because the ED side is getting stronger.... I really think that.

    (L) and worries.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday24 September 2014 at 03:04

      I don't know A
      I always do this
      When things are going well
      I seem to feel compelled to f**k them up
      I sabotage myself
      Because I am almost afraid of succeeding
      Afraid of leaving my ED behind
      I am trying my best not to let this stop me moving forward
      I need to get back on track

      I'm sorry
      I didn't mean to worry you
      I am ok
      Or at least I will be x

      Delete
  2. Kitty24 September 2014 at 04:22

    Oh honey. Just stay strong. The reason why you stepped on it i important, but right now try to focus all your energy on staying positive and moving forward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday24 September 2014 at 10:32

      I will Kitty
      O won't let this little slip turn in to something bigger x

      Delete
  3. Katie Elizabeth24 September 2014 at 07:52

    I think it's programmed in the back of our minds to step on that scale. I still do it, probably more often then I'd like to admit. So much so that I pretty much keep it a secret around here.
    What we do with that number is what's important. Writing it down in your notebook probably wasn't the best idea, but the fact that you're admitting to yourself that you know it's probably just a "fluke," that's also a big step.
    Don't feel like a hypocrite. We all do it =)
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday24 September 2014 at 10:32

      Thanks Katie
      Sometimes I just can't stop myself
      Curiosity gets the better of me
      Even when I know it shouldn't x

      Delete
  4. Kay24 September 2014 at 10:12

    I know it's hard, but you need to remember the important stuff. Think about the number you saw, yes it made you feel good, but is that good feeling of the number more important than your own health? Is it more important than all of the hard work you've put into your recovery so far? Is it more important than making your family happy by allowing them the peace of mind knowing that you're trying to get healthy and take care of yourself. Think about your dogs that you love so much, don't let yourself get wrapped up in the numbers, keep yourself happy so you can spend time loving and appreciating your family, your dogs, and most importantly yourself.

    Sometimes when I've lost a little, I get excited too, it's natural for us ED girls, but we need to keep in mind of what's important! You're doing really well for yourself and I'd hate to see you get so wrapped up in a number again, just keep your eye on the price....or whatever that saying is ; )

    Also, you're not a hypocrite, we all have our moments just like Katie said. I think you're fine : )

    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday24 September 2014 at 10:34

      I am trying to think of those things Kay
      And it may just have been a fluctuation
      I was worried that people would think that I was a hypocrite
      So I am glad that you don't think that x

      Delete
  5. Anonymous24 September 2014 at 21:29

    Hi ruby
    Since i started reading your blog only few months ago, I didn't know much about your past struggles. But now I have been reading your earlier posts and it only shows me that you are one amazing person to have come this far. Truly inspirational. Lots of love : )
    Pia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday24 September 2014 at 23:56

      Hey Pia,

      Thank you for your kind words
      It has been along road
      But I am getting there..... x

      Delete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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