As something I have noticed that has improved recently is my anxiety
I can trace my anxiety back to when I was a teenager
I was bullied by girls from another school
And after school I was always anxious that I would run in to them
I also used to get anxious for no reason at all
I could be sitting in class
And all of a sudden I would get this horrible feeling
Like a wave of fear and anxiety washed over me
It was like having an out of body experience
And was very scary
It never occurred to me to tell anyone though
I thought people would think I was mas if I told them
The next few years were taken up with drug use
So I can't tell you if I was anxious then or not
But after I got clean
Anxiety creeped back in to my life
Around crowds of people
Around new people
Even around my some of my own family
It was a horrible feeling
If I had something coming up
Like a family gathering or event
I would start worrying weeks before the event
I would imagine all the things that could go wrong
All the stupid things I would say
And do
The anxiety of that would keep me in a constant state of worry and fear
I always projected in the future
And imagined the worst possible outcome
My anxiety usually was at it's height when I was anticipating an event
And usually the event wasn't as bad as I thought it would be
Despite my anxiety
I managed to live my life
It got in the way
But it didn't take over
Then when my ED got out of control
My anxiety really kicked in
It peaked when I was at my lowest weight
It seemed that the thinner I got
The more anxious I became
I'm sure there is a reason why the two are connected
Although I'm not sure what that is
I used to go to NA and AA meeting
And my anxiety went through the roof
They read out readings at the start of each meeting
And I remember praying that I wouldn't be asked to read one out
My anxiety actually had physical effects
My throat would get dry
My mouth would twitch
And my whole body would shake
It was truly horrible
When I first went in to hospital in 2007
They put me on olanzapine to help with my anxiety
I am now on 12.5mg a day
Does it help?
Well, kinda
Sort of
I dread to think what I would be like without it
At the beginning of this year
My anxiety began to take over
I came out of hospital in February
And continued to spiral downwards
I was in a constant state of anxiety
So much so that I rarely left the house
And only did so in the early morning to do my errands
I really felt like I was losing the plot
I remember going to my mother one morning
I told her that I needed to go in to hospital because I was going mad
I truly felt like I was
My anxiety kept me in a state of constant worry
If I was in the house
I would worry that someone would call to the house unexpectedly
And I will admit to hiding behind the couch on several occasions after the door bell rang
Also if my phone rang
I couldn't answer it
I was always afraid of who would be ringing me
What would they want?
For me, anxiety ha always been the fear that I won't be able to handle what life throws at me
That I will crumble
And fall
That I won't have the common sense or the strength to deal with life and its hurdles
I guess it stems from having low self confidence and low self esteem
If you feel capable and able
Then you have no reason to feel anxious
But if you don't
Then everything is a challenge
Now that I have gained weight
My anxiety has improved beyond belief
I didn't realize how anxious I actually was until I started to feel better
Now I feel a lot more stable and able to deal with life
So I don't have reason to get anxious
Obviously I still get some anxiety
But nothing like the way it was
It's one of the main things that I think about when I think I want to lose weight again
I think about the anxiety I used to experience
And I never want to go back there
In general
I am an anxious person
So I guess I will always have to deal with a certain amount of anxiety
And that's ok
That's life
I now know that I am a capable human being
And I can manage what ever life throws at me
There are a couple of different ways that I manage anxiety
Deep breathing can be really helpful to calm the mind and body
Mindfulness
Meditation
One thing that I do when I feel anxious
Is tell myself over and over again that everything is ok
And I am ok
Or at least I will be
I was wondering about you
Do you suffer from anxiety?
What do you do to deal with it?
I've never had bad bad anxiety but when I did it was when I was anorexic. As soon as I gained weight and got better it went away. I never had an anxiety attack until I was anorexic and haven't since. It's horrible and I can't imagine living with it. My mom would have it bad and sometimes we would have to leave the store because she was having a panic attack. I would tell her as a teen, mom, just calm down and breath, everything is okay. It wasn't until I had one where I realized that you can't just calm down. One of my close friends has it too and she'll get so worked up she throws up. My mom uses guided imagery and grounding. It seems to help her as it sort of let's you see that you're in control and stuff. Plus meds. Keep fighting! I know it's no joke and you're doing well.
ReplyDeleteI found that too Eve
DeleteThat my anxiety improved when I started to get well
It's one of my main motivators to staying in recovery x
My anxiety has now hit at an all time high, ever since I reached a healthy weight again. I may be 'well' physically, but mentally I am far worse off now then I was at my lowest weight. I can barely function. I too cannot answer the phone and run when someone knocks on the door. I avoid going out whenever possible. I had to pull out of studies. I have to psyche myself up to doing pretty much anything.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing for me is exercise. I have a cross-trainer and when my heart is racing like crazy and I am full of hatred and restlessness, I try to sweat it out. It's only a fairly new strategy, but it seems to be helping. At least of a night!
Gosh I am sorry Destiny that you are suffering a lot with anxiety
DeleteI know that's a really difficult place to be
Have you ever tried mindfulness?
Or meditation?
They both helped me
I exercise helps that great
Maybe try to find out why it helps
And replicate it in other areas of your life
Keep hanging in there x
Hi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteI've suffered from anxiety my whole life, but have only become aware in the last few years. It's part of the of the parcel of Aspergers Syndrome. I used to struggle with social events and I even understand feeling anxious around my own family. I had an anxiety attack around family when we were all in Lord Howe Island even though there was no reason for it.
I've just got back into Yoga and it's wonderful, I'm better at keeping anxiety from displaying on the outside when in public, I don't know how I do it, but it uses a lot of energy.
I'd love to join the police, but I have too much anxiety for it. I need to invest in a punch bag to stop the head hitting though when it gets really bad
Hi Anne,
DeleteYea, I always imagined that people could tell when I am anxious
But I really think that most people don't notice
It's like there is a storm going on in the inside
But we look calm and collected on the surface
And yes, a punch bad sounds like a great idea x
please do NOT read todays post of mine as it contains a number.
ReplyDeletei did the hiding thing, too, ohgod i can so see us! you behind your sofa and me in the tiny bathroom, becaue it has no windows and appartmnet has huge windows and i am afraid someone could spot me from below, i even sat in the dark until i was sure the person was gone...) when someone called. in fact I am still doing it occasionally.
I read your post Lilly
DeleteDon't worry I am ok
And yes, you can come to my house and we will hide from the world forever
Seriously, I live in the middle of no where
We would never be found!
Pack your bags and get over here sista! x
I so want to!!!!
Delete<3
You are always welcome! x
DeleteAnxiety rules my whole life. Everything makes me anxious. My poor boyfriend has slowly begun to understand how hampered I am by it and pushes me to take more risks and I don't know if it's helping or making it worse.
ReplyDeleteI know you are on some of the same meds that I am on CP
DeleteDo you find that they help?
I am undecided........ x
I've had anxiety for some time now. It gets worse as the years go by, and now it's just debilitating. Mum and I figured out the other day that in January I won't have been grocery shopping for two years, and that was the last place I regularly went. I can count on my fingers how many times I've gone out since then.
ReplyDeleteI've had various diagnoses for anxiety disorders over the years, but I was first diagnosed at 12, along with depression, but my first memories of anxiety would've been when I was about 7, maybe a little earlier. I had so many sick days from school. I felt physically sick (though not to the point of vomiting), but everyone always thought I was faking and I didn't understand why. It wasn't until years later that I could identify it as anxiety. School was quite horrible for me the whole way through until I dropped out, so I always had a lot of days off either from anxiety or depression or just being unable to stand the bullying. I think the trauma and other things are more the root cause, but the bullying definitely made it a lot worse.
Exercise used to help my anxiety a lot, but now it's like as soon as I sit down, it's back. Sometimes when a panic attack hits I freeze and curl up in a ball, other times I feel like I've got this energy pulsing through me and I need to get it out, and end up thrashing around and self-harming. I can't think to try to exercise then. The last alternative I tried was jumping up and down and swinging my arms around, but I've tried that twice and sprained my arch twice.
I'm on Ativan/lorazepam for anxiety, and now Gabapentin too. I was on Olanzapine for a while some years back but the 'side effects' never stopped, but apart from that it was fab.
Love you Ruby *hugs* xxxx
Dear Bells, you have been through far too much for one little girl
DeleteMy heart breaks for you and all you have been through
Anxiety is something that can blight our lives
It takes over
And ruins everything
I find that exercise helps too
I'm doing a lot of swimming these days
Love you too dear friend
Hope you are doing ok? x
WOW. Awesome post on an important subject.
ReplyDelete"anxiety has always been the fear that I won't be able to handle what life throws at me."
So, so spot on. Not checking emails because I'm scared I did something wrong. Not answering my phone. Not checking messages. Fear.
Sometimes I have good luck with facing the anxiety head on. Making a cold call, having a confrontation, et cetera. It turns the anxiety into exhilaration for a few moments.
Not always, though. Anxiety seems to be a resting place. It's gotten better in recovery but it is still there.
This makes me feel hope and connection. Really--thank you. Again.
It is an important topic Cakespy
DeleteSo many of us ED girls get terrible anxiety
But you know you are right
When we push through the anxiety
It's an amazing feeling
Then we wonder what we were feeling anxious about
I'm glad this gives you hope
Take care x