I recently met a girl from treatment
We hadn't seen each other in about 6 weeks
So I was worried about seeing her
Given my recent weight re-gain
I arrived at the coffee shop before her
I was glad
At least then she would only see me from the waist up
I waited anxiously for her to arrive
I had always been thinner than her
But she was thin too
And I was pretty sure that I was now bigger than her
I ordered tea and settled myself
We were meeting at a tea house near WB Yeats grave
And a constant stream of tourists marched in and out
I watched them with curiousity
Buying their 'Ireland' paraphernalia
My friend arrived
We hugged
I was genuinely happy to see her
'You look like a different person' she remarked
I blushed
'No really, your eyes look brighter and your skin looks great'
She also noticed that I wasn't as anxious
I used to get so anxious before going in to meet her
And my hands would shake when I picked up my tea cup
We had a great chat
We laughed
We remembered our time in treatment
We talked about our plans for the future
It was so good to see her
To talk to someone who was in treatment with me
And just knew
You know?
Then on Sunday
We went to a recording of a radio arts programme
As my brother was reading at it
Again I was worried about going
As I would be seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time
And the difference in me is so noticeable
On arriving at the venue
I met one of my aunties
'Oh my God, you look great' she said
'I know, there is a bit if a difference isn't there?'
'But do you feel good?' she asked
'I do' I replied 'I really do'
I hadn't seen this woman since I came out of treatment months earlier
When I was pathetically underweight
It was good to chat to people now that I do feel better
My anxiety doesn't get the better of me anymore
And I can actually talk to people without losing my shit
I guess I am used to people's reactions by now
I know that I look completely different
And I know that people want to acknowledge that I am doing well
And give me a compliment
It's hard though
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I have put on so much weight
And I look so different
Better?
Well, yes
My skin and eyes and hair look much healthier
I have shape now
Pointy bones and sharp edges have given way to soft curves
I have had to get used to dressing a totally different shape
I've had to buy new clothes (Not complaining about that though)
I've had to get rid (Not quite) of 'anorectic' clothes
It's all new
It's all unfamiliar
It's all scary
As I have said before
I am trying to go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
Or what the scale says
And the thing is
That I feel pretty good
I feel positive
And hopeful
I feel healthy and strong
Capable and able
My anxiety has lessened so much
And my depression has all but disappeared
I guess if I was asked which would I rather be
Skinny and miserable
Or healthy and happy
I don't need to tell you which one I choose
I've had to stop weighing completely
The last time I weighed
I almost lost my marbles
So I'm just not doing it
No good can come of it
I feel good
For the first time in years
I feel good
I am willing to sacrifice my bony body for that
When I met mt friend the other day
I felt equal to her
When I was really sick
I felt less than everyone
I felt that because I was sick
I wasn't on the same level as everyone else
Now I do
Everything is worse when your body is sick
Anxiety
Depression
Fear
Not to mention all the physical ailments
But these things can and do improve
I know how stuck we can get in our illness
Paralysed by fear
Crippled by anxiety and depression
I just want you to know that it is possible to get out
It is possible to feel better
Both physically
And mentally
I promise you
It is possible
I am learning to live with and even like my new body
I look at my sister who is the same size as me
And I think she looks tiny
She is a great support
She is always telling me that I am a 33 year old woman
And women have shapes
She reminds me that I am not a teenager any more
And will never have that body again
I am slowly coming to terms with that
It's ok
I am ok
I
Am
Ok
"Women have shapes" - yes! But ALL kind of shapes! Skinny, curvy,anything - and that at all ages. We need to except that there is no "people" or "women" - but that there is variety. Also in completely healthy human beings. Humans come in all sorts of shapes,and are very REAL women (or men wtf) regardless!
ReplyDeleteMuch love
I am really sorry that ED free week is not working out again. But it also shows us what a severe addiction this is and that even in recovery it is hard to think of some thing else. But I do believe you will get there!
ReplyDeleteXO
Julia
I am new to your blog but have to say how incredibly impressed I am. I have bookmarked it, linked to it on my site, and am planning on being a regular visitor. I love your message, and am inspired.
ReplyDeleteI think it is great that you are able to see how different you feel. It can be so easy to get caught up in other things and not acknowledge that change. Even your writing here is more confident. I think you focus more on the good now than the bad, and I think that's how it should be. I think enjoying life is one of the most important things (it's also one I'm not great at yet). It seems like that's what people are noticing.. that you're more confident, less anxious, and that you are healthier and happier.
ReplyDeleteyou are ok in fact your doing great! think how much hope your giving to others not quite there yet,thank you for writing and looking forward to your next steps,as if you can do this you can do anything. jo xx
ReplyDeleteLearning to accept who and what you are is the most difficult thing in the world. Sounds like you're doing just fine.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
leaving one of your generic barnum/forer statements on a blog of a girl who is fighting such a dangerous illness is truly impertinent!
DeleteI really like your friend's choice of words. 'You look like a different person'. It's hard to take it as a compliment no matter who it comes from even though they mean well, but your friend's words just seem to genuine and pure and caring. I think non-ED people have a harder time noticing the smaller changes, like your eyes and skin, and just take the picture as a whole.
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you for stopping weighing yourself. It's such a mindfuck and really no good comes of it. I haven't weighed myself properly since January, and it's been at least two years since I've weighed daily regularly. It mightn't fix everything, but it's a huge stress taken off your shoulders.
Here's a little blurb I found and saved to my phone a while back, I think you'll like it.
"You look healthy.
And by that I don’t mean you look fat.
I mean your face isn’t grey any more, the circles under your eyes aren’t so dark. Your lips aren’t cracked and dry and your hair isn’t thinning and brittle. I mean you seem more focused when I talk to you, You actually look at me and listen rather than being so unable to stay still or think about anything other than your illness that your eyes dart around the room and you nod manically the whole time I’m speaking. You seem calmer, stiller, quieter. You’re easier to have a joke with and you take things on board much more than you used to.
I mean you laugh now, you’re less serious. There’s life about you, it’s in your eyes and your smile, it’s in the way you speak and even in the way you go about your daily tasks.
You look healthy. You look happy. It really, really suits you."
Lots of love <3 xx