Ok
As you have probably guessed by now
I have been a bit all over the place this
And that's ok
I was just being self indulgent and feeling sorry for myself I think
Everything is fine
I am fine
I'm just looking for trouble
Inventing problems
Because you see recovery is a different kettle of fish
I thrived on the drama of my addiction and my ED
Recovery is a lot smoother
No extreme high or lows
It's more settled
And for me, that can be boring
The devil makes work for idle hands and all that
I think the trick here is not to let this negative thinking get in on me
I may have slipped
But that doesn't mean I have to let it turn in to a relapse
I am ok
And it's ok to go swimming if I enjoy it
It's ok to count the lengths
It's ok to exercise
It's healthy
And it's good for me
It's ok to eat chocolate
And crisps
But it's important to eat a variety of foods
Enough with the dramatic posts
I need to get back to basics
If Mary were here
She would say 'Firsts things first'
And get my food in order
Above all else it's important to eat (And keep it down)
No one said that recovery would be easy
Or straight forward
Nothing worth having ever is
And I have everything I need
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
A family to love
2 dogs to cuddle
I am ok
It's ok to have a blip
A bump in the road
The important thing is get back up and keep going
So that is what I will do
I am 'mind - sending' luck and love and happy thoughts.....
ReplyDeleteTHAT is such a fantastic and courageous piece of writing, i love these insights and you are not afraid to see what is going on... and i guess realizing what we do is a gigantic step in recovery of any sort. So proud of you. It might be dull at times, but new dramatic things are waiting and they will be great and positive and will also consist of your achievements in many respects, this I am sure of!
ReplyDeletemuch love
xxx
good. good. good.
ReplyDeletei just read both posts.
i felt a surge of adrenaline and then i read this post and smiled and now i just nearly want to cry.
the ED will always try to find a way to pull you back.
in fact, i don't think we can fully just escape it. it will be a part of us - but a very faint part of us. i do not want to be bony or one of my biggest fears (TW in brackets: as i'm still actively trying to lose weight - which isn't how typical normal recovery goes BUT i did engage in Minnie Maud-like eating for a few months, gained a bit of weight and whatnot as i am trying to lose weight is that my ribs may at some point show. with my frame, this is entirely possible. and an entire fear.)
this is a huge thing for me, as i NEVER ever ever thought that i could ever think that there was a line of thinness that i do not want to cross.
it's insane. and it's very slow by the way. at some point, you just come to the conclusion yourself and go like: you know what? screw it. i don't want to be that. it's relieving. it's so relieving.
just to say - remember, there are so many things that happen to you that you never thought possible. it's worth living just to experience how strong you are and how much you can endure. it's absolutely amazing.
-Sam Lupin
recovery is full of ups and downs and its okay. its okay to not always feel or think "yay recovery" because sometimes its hard and scary and new. but to read this post and see that you can recognize and vocalize such honest truths is so refreshing and real. i always love to read your blog because that is what it is. you are doing incredible and don't let the ed or anyone tell you anything less than the fact that you are kicking its butt! it does get easier! ;)
ReplyDeleteIt's always a good day when you realize that you're steering off track. And it's even a better day when you decide to get the control back. I'm sending you so much love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Well said. Recovery is a roller coaster. All it takes some days is 51% of you wanting it...some days I barely feel I have that! So glad you're here.
ReplyDeleteXxoo