Thin

Ok
So I know that I am banging on and on about my weight re-gain
But please bear with me
It's a massive step for me (Literally!)
And it's taking a lot of time
And a lot of patience to come to terms with it
To make myself feel a bit better about things
I am swimming 5 mornings a week
Although this week has only been 3 because I am, not well
I also walk my dogs every day
So I am getting regular exercise
My sister told me that she thought that I looked more toned recently
I was delighted to hear this
As that is the look I am going
Healthy, fit and toned is the order of the day

I was really active when I was young
I used to swim before school
Then attended dance class after school
I was always on the go
I don't think it was so much about being fit
I just really enjoyed those hobbies
Although I promptly quit when I started to rebel as a teenager

Being skinny was always on my radar
Being on show at swimming and at dance
I was conscious of keeping slim
I remember someone told me once that if I gave up dancing
My muscles would turn to fat
That terrified me
They were wrong though
They didn't

Then of course came the drug years
So I was scarily skinny for those
My ED overlapped here
I just wasn't aware of it
It was news to me when I nurse sat me down one day
And told me that I had anorexia
I remember that nurse
Her name was Anna
And I affectionately nick-named her Anna-conda
I wouldn't listen to her
I couldn't take it in
I couldn't deal with the fact that I had both a drug addiction and now an ED to deal with
I vehemently denied that I was eating disordered
Even though I wasn't eating
Even though I was purging
And hiding food
I still couldn't admit to  it

Time passed
Years in fact
And finally I gave in an admitted I had an ED
When I got clean it was harder to stay thin
It took a lot more work
But I almost felt that I had to be thin
Because I had been given the title of 'Anorectic'
And I had to live up to that title

Over the next few years
I gained and lost the same 30 pounds over and over again
I've been every size
And every weight under the sun
That's why I have an array of clothes in every size known to man

The cruel thing about this illness
Is that we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most
Thin
Because we never believe that we are thin enough
At my  lowest weight
I weighed the same as my golden retriever
I still thought that I was fat

The weight gain this time happened very fast
I was gaining a kilo a week
It was happening faster than I could process it
And at first I felt so out of control
It was scary
Now I am there
I am weight restored
I am of a healthy weight
This is what I had been fighting for so long
And you know what?
It's not as bad as I thought it would be

Of course weight gain is not the only change
Something in my brain has shifted too
Otherwise I would be an anorectic in a healthy body
Which is pure torture
I decided to try recovery
Test the waters
And so far so good
I feel good
And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

I'm not fighting my body any more
I am accepting it
And trying to like and even love it
It's not easy
I have days where I want to unzip my skin and step out of it
I have days when I ask anyone who will listen over and over again if I am fat
I have days when I can't find s single item of clothing that looks good
I have days when I feel like a baby elephant
But on the whole
Life is good
I feel good
I have peace of mind
I feel something approaching happiness
And if weight gain is the price I have to pay
Then I am willing to pay it