M

I saw one of my friends yesterday
Who I will call M
I've known this girl for a few years now
She is also a recovering addict
And recovering from anorexia
So needless to say
We have lots in common
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
Because she had a lot going on in her life
2 kids
And some family issues
So I was super excited to see her and her little girl who is 5

I was actually quite nervous to see her
Because you see the last time M saw me I was significantly smaller
It's silly really
Because she has gained weight recently
And I feel nothing but happiness for her
That she is climbing out of the hole that is this illness
I don't judge her
So why am I so afraid that she will judge me?


I was barely in the door of her house
When I said
'You probably hardly recognize me I've gained so much weight'
'Don't be silly' she replied
'I'm just glad that you are getting well'
I then asked her if she thought that I looked over weight
(Silly recovering anorectic asking this same question of every one I meet)
'Not at all' she said
'No way'

It's great that M and I are starting to recover at the same time
We are both around the same age
I guess at this age you either check out
Or get better
We have both been ill at the same time
And it's not good
It's not healthy
Even though we didn't mean to
We fed off each other
As addicts do

After a chat
We headed up to the school to collect her daughter
She came bounding out
With a huge school bag that was bigger than her
We gave her a big hug
And went back to the house
M's daughter got out her favourite thing to do
Jigsaws
I happen to love jigsaws too
So we sat on the living room floor
And pieced them together

M made tea
And changed the little one out of uniform
Then we went through the new letters she had learned in school that day
It was lovely

After I couple of hours I began to get tired
So I got hugs from M and her daughter
Said my goodbye's
And headed for home

About an hour after I got home
My friend sent me a text telling me that I look so well and healthy
It was so nice
And I felt grateful and blessed that we are both on the road to recovery
It also reminded me
That I need to seem my friends more often
To make time for them
Instead of doing every thing alone
And even though it's great to do things with my family
I need a life outside of them too

Even though I don't like being on my own
I tend to be a loner
I like quiet
I like time to myself
I guess everyone needs time to themselves
But I also like to be around people
People who I feel comfortable around

My friend was telling me that her mood can be quite low
I told her how my mood has drastically improved since gaining weight
And my anxiety has really improved
I guess seeing my friend shows me how far we have both come
There is just one major difference between us
M attends meetings
NA and AA
And I don't
If you have been reading for a while
You will know that I used to go to meetings
And they really helped
But I stopped going
As I felt I wasn't part of 'gang'
I felt like I didn't quite fit in
And also my anxiety was through the roof
So I stopped going

Now my dilemma is whether to return to meetings or not
Do I need them?
Do they help?
Will it benefit me to go back?
Can I commit to a 12 step programme?
The answer to that is I don't know
I guess I won't know unless I try
So maybe I could do a trial
Commit for a month
And then make a decision based on how I am
An experiment if you will
I like to think of things like this as an experiment
It helps me make sense of it in my head

On another note
Honey was at the vet again this week
The vet still seems to think that it is not a cataract
And that it has improved since last week
I am cautiously hopeful that she will make a full recovery
I would be so lost without my little Honey bunny