Recovery

We're nearing the end of the year now
Another year that has gone by so very fast
It's been an eventful year for me
To say the least
A lot has happened
I started the year off in treatment
My weight was very low
Confidence and self esteem were in the toilet
Literally
I was losing hope
And belief
And the will to live
I've been in ED treatment about 6 times
And it has never worked for me
In fact I actually lost weight this time
And continued to binge and purge
So there really was no point in me being there
I was discharged in February for failing to gain weight
I despaired
I did not know what was going to become of me
For the first time in my life
I was afraid

Things continued to slide when I came home
I lost more weight
My binging and purging was off the chart
And the scary thing was that I couldn't stop
I was spinning out of control
And I felt powerless over my ED

I was still seeing Mary at this point
She was like a port in a storm for me
A clear headed
Logical person that could help me make sense of things
In April I took what I call 'a half hearted over dose'
I took all my meds
And hoped that I wouldn't wake up
But I did
And I was so sorry that I did
I felt like I couldn't hold on for much longer
I didn't tell anyone about the overdose at first
I didn't want to worry people
And I was afraid that my meds would be taken away
If they thought I was at risk

About 10 days later
I began to get afraid that I was going to do it again
I knew that I needed help
I desperately needed help
I told Mary that week
She sprang in to action immediately
I left the room as the rang my psychiatrist
She then told me that I had two options
I could present at the local psychiatric hospital
And admit myself
Or I could wait until the next day
And see my psychiatrist
I really didn't want to go in to hospital
So I chose the latter
And made an appointment for the following day
Mary asked me to tell my Mother what was happening
And also asked me if I could guarantee my safety until the next day
I said I could

After I stopped crying
And had a long chat with Mary
I headed home
I had such an urge to OD again
Such a craving for oblivion
I just couldn't handle reality
The noise in my head
The feeling that my skin was crawling
I couldn't stand feeling these feeling
And the negative and intrusive thoughts that were on repeat in my head
I wanted to keep my promise to Mary
But I did over use my meds
So I could sleep
And forget about all this for a while

While I was in with Mary
I had tang my Mum to tell her what was happening
She was at work
And came home immediately
I tearfully explained the situation
That I was in the process of hitting my umpteenth rock bottom
It was relief
A relief to let people know how bad things were
I knew that I needed help

The next morning
My Mother and I went to meet with my psychiatrist
I don't remember very much about the conversation
I was so numb
And wrecked from crying so much
I do remember he was kind
He listened
And tried to let me see that there was hope
I wasn't convinced

The other thing he did was he increased my meds
And started me on 40mgs of Prozac
He told me that Prozac tended to work very well on people with extreme bulimia
I was more that willing to give it a try
I would have tried anything at this point
If he had told me that standing on my head for an hour an day would help
I would have gladly done it
I went home and felt much better
At least people knew now
And they could support me

It was around this time that I began to gain weight
I can clearly remember the first time I noticed it
I was in the shower
Washing myself
And all of a sudden
I felt like there was more of me
Especially around my stomach area
I went to my room and pulled out my scales
I had gained 3 kilos
Cue panic and distress
I sat my my bed with my head in my hands
I just couldn't handle
I was disgusted with myself
Ashamed
And angry
It was unbearable

After a couple of weeks
I felt like the Prozac was starting to kick in
My mood lifted
And my anxiety improved
But the most noticeable difference was that the binging and purging began to ease up
I had been purging 10 -20 times a day
And slowly but surely that number began to decrease
It was a freakin' revelation
I couldn't quite believe it
The freedom was  amazing
I began to feel better in myself
An even though I was still gaining weight
The positives were outweighing the negatives
If weight gain was the price of peace of mind
Then I was more than willing to pay it

Summer came
And my sister came home from Australia
Having her here has helped me massively
We get on great
And we have the same juvenile sense of humour
And laughing has proved to be vital medicine for me
Better than any pill

In August I went to London for two weeks
While there
On the 11th
I smoked my last cigarette
14 weeks later
I haven't touched them since
This is massive for me
I was a dedicated and passionate smoker
I loved them
I was a 30 a day girl
And spent 100 Euro a week on them
Now I have extra money
My health has greatly improved
My skin is clear
My sense of taste of smell is better
I'm fitter
And generally feeling better in myself
I never thought I would see the day when I gave up
But I did
I really did

As regards my weight
I have stopped weighing myself
I refuse to measure my worth in pounds and ounces
I won't do it
Now I go by how my clothes
And the fir ok so I think my weight has settled down

Everything is not perfect
I haven't had a purge free day yet
But things have drastically improved for me
And for my family
They don't have to worry now
Worry that I'm going to fall in to bad health
Or even die
They can relax a little
And they have told me that they are proud of me
Which is so amazing to hear

Now I am in recovery
I am recovering
After 14 years of addiction and disordered eating
I am getting better
My physical health
My mental health
My outlook
My perspective
M y hope
And belief
Have all improved so much
Now I know that I have a second chance at life
A chance to live the life I always wanted
I am proof that things can and do turn around
No matter how low you go
No matter how rock bottoms you hit
No matter if you have totally given up
Stopped hoping
Stopped believing
There is a way out
There is always a way out
There is help
There are people who will believe in you until you can
There is life after addiction and EDs
I know that now

This post is for you
If you are struggling today
If you are feeling that you can't go on
And you want to disappear
If you feel hopeless
And helpless
If you are in the midst of addiction
Or held captive by your ED
If you feel beaten up by life
If you are over weight of under weight
Or somewhere in between
If you are in recovery
Or thinking about it
If you want to live
This post is for you

Today I feel good
After a few tough days
I feel have come out the other side
This is all part and parcel of recovery
Part of life
I have hope
I have belief
And I have faith
That things will be ok
I will be ok
I will be free
Of this illness
Of the demons in head
Of anorexia and bulimia and addiction
I feel strong
The strongest I have ever felt in my life
I can do this
You can do this
I promise you that