Mary was the one who used to weigh me
But of course she is no longer around
So that task has been left up to me
The last time I weighed myself was in my uncle's house some weeks ago
I had a bit of a meltdown
As I saw a number I have never seen in my entire life
After that I stopped weighing
Just for my own peace of mind
And mental health
I decided no good could come of it
And I didn't need that extra stress in my life
But not weighing does not mean that I am not curious
I compare myself to my Mother and my sister
I know what they weigh
So if I try on their clothes
I have an idea what I am in comparison to them
They are both very slim
My Mother especially is like a tiny little bird
It's hard to imagine that I used to be a lot smaller than her
I look at her now and think she is so small and petite
My sister is also tiny
And they tell me that I have the same frame as them
I'm not sure though
So last last night
I got it in to my head that I wanted to know my weight
I said it to my sister
She said not to
That it was a bad idea
And it didn't matter anyway
I wish I could be like that
And not give a flying f**k what I weighed
I wish it didn't matter
But it does
It still does
After the conversation with my sister
I decided not to weigh
But then
When I went down to my room to change in to my pyjamas
On impulse I pulled out the scale and stood on it
Before I could change my mind
I had a number in mind
And if I was over that
I just didn't know how I was going to handle it
But in actual fact
I was about 3kilos lighter than I thought I was
So I don't know if I've lost weight
Or if the last scales I stood on was way off
Either way
I am not ecstatic
But I am not disgusted either
I can handle it
Just about
As you know
I rarely disclose my weight
I don't really see the point
It shouldn't matter
And it doesn't
I will say that I my BMI is well within the healthy range
And that's all that matters
Regaining this weight has been a rollercoaster of emotions
I swing between absolutely hating my body
To being somewhere near accepting it
My perspective can change in a split second
I remember every comment anyone has ever made about my appearance
Even as a child
Even before I was eating disordered
I filed all these comments in the back of my head
And used them when needed to insult myself
And beat myself up
Some of my favourites are
'Oh you've filled out'
'You're getting a little chubby'
I could go on and on
But I won't
I was wondering about you
Do you weigh yourself?
Or do you leave well alone?
My team weigh me twice a week (once on my gps manual scales once on my ed teams digital scales) sometimes it can be twice in one day most o the time it is and they both give inaccurate readings I trust and look at my ed teams scales my gps though i refuse to look at. When I'm starting to slip i become compulsive about weighing myself even if I really don't want too.
ReplyDeleteGosh I don't miss being weighed by the professionals
DeleteWhy does weighing never get any easier? x
Didn' t you throw the thing into a lake? Cheat! ;) No one who reads this blog regularily - that i am sure - and let alone anyone who loves you gives a flying f* about what you weigh. In fact i stopped reading the moment you stepped on the thing. It might helps to remember how deliriously happy and super content being super skeletal skinny made you ( xcuse the cynicism)
ReplyDeleteSry did not mean to sound harsh! And I so care a lot about how you feel, babe!
ReplyDeleteXxx
Jesus you are so pretty, you silly silly gir!
I did Lilly
DeleteI did throw mine in to the lake
But there is another one in the house
Maybe I should get rid of that one too
But my sister mainly uses this other one
I know my lovely
I know you care
You always did and that means a lot to me
Sometimes you are the voice of reason I need to hear x
I weigh myself religiously every morning, naked after visiting the bathroom. I only count Saturday weigh-ins though.
ReplyDeletei try not too but can't trust any other way as have v distorted body image [although who knows if i have or not?] got better though cut it down a lot.think chucking them out is the way to go, btw i think your looking lovely in your new stuff,makes me want go shop but not best time of year. massive family not started xmas shopping yet!love jo xx
ReplyDeleteI don't care about your weight nor about anybody else's.
ReplyDeleteI care about you, and I love you if you are square and yellow and live in a pineapple under the sea ;-)
I really try not to care about mine too. But......I like certain numbers. I have a 'safe range' and that's reasonably acceptable ....
Which now means I try not to weigh myself, with all the meds. I know it will make me go on an ED spree..... Even though I knów it won't help.
(L)
I literally just posted on this! I stopped weighing myself because I couldn't take the number. I'm at a place mentally where seeing the number won't make me change my behaviors; it'll just make me feel bad about myself. So what's the point?
ReplyDeleteI weigh myself everyday. It's also a mixture of emotions. And although I know I have a good reason to be gaining weight, it doesn't make the growing number any easier to see. And even if I don't weigh myself, I get weighed at the doctor every week. I'm so proud of you for going so long without weighing yourself. It takes a lot of self control. Good job Ruby!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
"I swing between absolutely hating my body. To being somewhere near accepting it" You described how I feel perfectly. I'm still there hating/loving/loathing/confused. It's a crazy thing.
ReplyDelete