I feel this is the first time this week that I have properly sat down and caught up on blogs
I even feel that I have been neglecting my own blog
Usually I post every single day
Usually I always have things that I can't wait to write about
And I'm on the computer first thing every morning
For some reason
This week
It's been hard
I've kind of deliberately stayed away
I guess there are a few reasons for this
First
I just haven't felt like I have anything of importance to say
About my ED
About recovery
About life
Second
Now that I am feeling a bit better
And I am actually feeling my feelings
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the girls suffering here on blogger
For every recovery blog
There are 10 girls who are in the midst of a battle with their ED
It can become too much sometimes
And I can't stand to see so many beautiful and talented girls held captive by this cruel illness
It's upsetting
I feel helpless
Sometimes I feel hopeless
I used to tell myself that I my blog was helping people
That I was making a difference
In helping to fight this battle against EDs
But now I'm not so sure
I read an article last week
About how younger and younger children are becoming eating disordered
I despaired after reading it
I really felt like 'What is the point?'
What is the point in fighting
What is the point in any of this
It's really disheartening when it seems that more people want to read about my demise
Rather than my recovery
Why is that?
I have thought about starting a new blog
A clean slate
But I have done that before
Twice I have started new blogs over on Wordpress
And twice I came back to And then she disappeared
I always come back
Because this blog means something to me
It feels like home
And you all feel like family
This blog has documented my life for the past two and a half years
Every little detail has been recorded here
To walk away from that in unthinkable
I guess I am going through a transition
My body
My mind
I am not quite free of my ED
And no where near recovered
Every day I ask my Mother am I fat
Every day she says no
But I am not convinced
I look back on the photos that I posted this week
And I barely recognize myself
It's disconcerting
I flip between hating my body
To, on a good day, being able to accept it
Weighing is out of the question at the moment
I can barely look in the mirror
Never mind stand on a scale
My Mother keeps telling me to be patient
To hang in there
That I am doing all the right things
And my body will find it's own set point
I'm trying
I am
It's hard
But I know it will be worth it
It has to be
I have another worry that's playing on my mind
My darling little dog Honey seems to be developing eye trouble
Last week we noticed a cloud on her left eye
I brought her to the vet
At first she thought it was a cataract
Which can cause blindness
There is an operation that can be done
But it costs thousands
Then when the vet looked at Honey;s eye with a light
She wasn't so sure
So I don't really know what is wrong with Honey
And not knowing is wrecking my head
The vet gave me drops to put in her eyes three times a day
Honey is not impressed with that
But Honey is a tough cookie
She is a bad ass
It will take more than this to beat her
She is stubborn just like me
A force to be reckoned with
I guess it reminds me that my dogs are getting older
And they won't be around forever
I can't imagine life without Honey and Lea
But I can't think about that
All I can do is enjoy them now
Here are some photos of my faithful friend Honey
im so sad to hear about Honey. oh sweetie, i hope that she's alright in the end. and i hope you are too.
ReplyDeleteto be honest, recovery is nothing like i can ever explain. things happen. miracles happen but only in short spans of time. and honestly, i would never EVER wish that i didn't have an ED. not because i have masochistic properties, but we are who we are because of what we struggled with.
and i like myself. i like who i am. i like what i love and what i see and how sometimes, i just sit there for a few minutes, feeling my tears well up because the world is so full of colours and i cannot contain myself when i see them. and i can't imagine feeling so grateful until i've hit the sadness that once was.
there is nothing like taking a breath of fresh air once enclosed in a dark space after a long time. everything happens for a reason. everything. people hurt, people suffer, people die, people have demons, people love. people fall in love. people hate. people cheat. people lie. people insist on being happy. people are happy. people live. and that's the essence of the whole scheme of things.
i don't surround myself with anything that might make me sad. no war news, nothing. if i can do something about it, i will, but if i can't, i'll block it out. it's no use to be upset on things that you can't change. and hey, there are tonnes and tonnes of recovery blogs that have made me happy.
maybe people do want to read about your demise more than your recovery. i cannot say this. but i can say confidently that there are many days where i felt my heart swell with absolute joy because i've always felt like you recovering was a miracle. i refused to follow you in the beginning because i felt like you might just be triggering. there is no point to ED. ED has no point. recovery has a point. it always will.
and i can say confidently that reading your posts sometimes have made me feel less alone. there are a lot of people that are suffering. yes. a lot of people with disordered habits. yes. but you are definitely helping just recovering. because you're beating the odds. you're challenging so much.
it will always be for a point. always. it will always matter. always.
-Sam Lupin
Thanks for this Sam
DeleteYou make a lot of sense
You really do
I guess I need to seek out some more recovery blogs
Can you recommend any? x
hi ruby havent really anything helpful to say except love reading when your doing well and feel sad when your struggling. don't read any other blogs so don't know but know you help me everyday either on here or sometimes email. i don't know if ill ever get where you are but you give out hope and make everyone smile lots too, love jo xx
ReplyDeleteYou always have something helpful and insightful to say Jo
DeleteI always love getting your comments x
I wonder sometimes: what's the point. I even go to a point where I look at the obsessive 'healthy-living' 'permanently on diet' society that we live in and wonder whether in fact we are just kidding ourselves that 'not a diet, lifestyle' choices are just a euphemism for eating disorder. I sometimes feel completely trapped my reaction to eating anything, like will it ever change? Probably not. The next place beyond that really says to me that I would rather be disordered and not hating my body rather than disordered, fat and hating myself. It's almost like I don't believe that we can ever rewire our brains. I don't believe it actually - as you say, what's the point? Xo
ReplyDeleteI guess it's that age old question of can we really fully recover
DeleteI am not convinced
With my drug addiction I don't believe I am fully recovered
But I am managing it
That is the best I can hope for
And I think that's as good as it gets in regards to my ED too
So nice to have you stop by FP x
I am crossing my fingers and burning a very strange smelling candle for dear Honey.
ReplyDeleteAnd about blogging, I don't know. I've been on a break, I did read some blogs but just couldn't find the energy nor the words for a decent comment.
It's hard to see people struggling and it sometimes seems to get me down, Iike.... a raincloud does. Not that I blame anyone, it just has that effect on me at that time.
I was a member on a dutch website, I asked to be removed last week because all the struggling and all the problems got the better of me. I just felt overwhelmed all the time, and also never good enough. Not enough words of comfort or wisdom ... or advice.
So, I don't know but I do know I hope you keep on blogging, when yóu want to. I'd like you to, anyway
(L)
Aw thank you A
DeleteMe and Honey really appreciate that
It can get too much
So much pain and suffering can be so overwhelming
I guess we absorb it and we need a break
Just to recharge our batteries
I hope you are doing ok
You are in my thoughts x
I wonder if changing blogging platforms was a mistake, if you just prefer Blogspot to Wordpress, or even if it's a matter of population. I read both blogs but never followed or commented because I don't have a current Wordpress account. Personally I'd see it as you starting a new chapter. This blog would still be here, all the entries intact, but it would be somewhat separate to the new chapter even if they're interlinked.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, you have to keep blogging primarily for you. Focus first on what helps you and what you want to write, not what helps others and what they want to read. I know it's easy to forget, but you are the #1 priority, the rest is just a bonus.
I'm so sorry about Honey. It's best to not think on the time when they'll be gone. After we lost Silky, I started really dwelling on Billy's age, his health, what I need to do differently and even planning for when he's gone. Even with his health issues I'd never considered the fact he wouldn't be with me forever. I hope the vet has an answer for you soon. Love them with all of your heart everyday and things will be okay.
I'm sure you've told me and I've forgotten, but what breed is she?
Lots of love. Always here for you my friend <3 xx
I guess that was part of it Bella
DeleteHaving to start over and try and find new blogging friends was hard
And I missed my friends here on blogger
I feel part of something here
And that means something to me
Poor Silky
I know you miss her a lot
It is heartbreaking
We get so close to our pets
I can't imagine life without Honey
She has such a vibrant personality
Thank you sweetheart
Always here for you too x
I understand the worry about pets aging. I have a cat that is 14-15 years old.. I honestly lie to myself to make her younger to comfort myself. She has arthritis, so I bought her a heating pad for winter and a comfy bed. I spoil her with all sorts of food in case she's too skinny.
ReplyDeleteI will say (and I don't know if this is helpful) that I have known more than one person with a blind pet, and the pet is still happy and active. I would petsit for one pair of dogs. One was going blind (cataracts) and the other was kinda old and fat, but they were fine going through the house and being fed and playing in the yard. I fear that with my cats, but I have seen cats live much older than mine and much sicker than mine. My oldest cat is almost like a sibling. I've had her since I was 13, so she grew up with me.
Like you said, dogs can be badass. They are strong and stubborn, and she will be your Honey whether or not she can see. Hang in there with everything. That transition between ED and health is hard. Try to find the good in every day despite any worries.
Ruby,
ReplyDeleteI think part of why you get more reads when you're in decline than you do when you're upbeat is because a lot of people in the middle of struggling with an eating disorder identify more with the struggle than they do with the recovery (which is, of course, a different struggle - and in a lot of ways, a harder one). I know that when I was sick, I did skim blogs centring on recovery, but what really fed what I wanted was reading about girls like me - girls who were clanking their forks on empty plates like Jacob Marley's ghost rattling his chains. It was only when I got really, truly serious about recovery that I searched out blogs centring on that aspect of the illness. So maybe some of your readers just aren't ready yet to identify with your climb out of continual suffering - because they're not there themselves yet.
You're doing brilliantly, you know. And I know that you doubt that, sometimes, that you think because you're still dabbling in behaviours and thoughts, that you're failing. But no one sloughs off an eating disorder in one go. Think of it like a snake shedding its old skin - crawling gradually out of it, scale by scale.
If it helps, even when I was recovering and had been behaviour-free for a few weeks, I still didn't think I would get to the point where I would actually like my body - I just thought I'd have to get used to this new, heavier shape. But truly, the day does come when you realise that you haven't thought of yourself as fat for a few days (then a week, then a month, then a year). The day does come when you look in the mirror and think, actually, I look good today.
One foot in front of the other. This is the hardest part, the in-between. You're managing it beautifully.