Life as we know it

It was last May when I began to get my life together

I had just started new meds

My depression finally lifted

My anxiety lessened considerably

And life as I know it began to improve

Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of me

Like it happened to me

And I had nothing to do with it

But I made the changes 

So I know I had at least some part in it

Since last May  

A lot has happened 

I've regained wright to a healthy BMI

I went on a holiday

Which was harder than you might think

I gave up smoking

Which for me was massive

And I still think that could go belly up at any time

I don't take it for granted that I am out of the woods

Everyday I fight the urge to light up a smoke

It hasn't been easy

So yes

My life has changed a lot in the last few months

Ed wise

That has improved too

I've gone from purging 10-20 times a day

To 2-5 times a day

My day used to revolve around eating and purging

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom

It was relentless

A living hell

I was stealing food from shops

Financially I couldn't keep up with the amount of food I was eating

I was consumed with guilt and shame

My relationship with my family was strained

I couldn't stop

My health was failing

I was falling apart

And I hated myself

I felt like such a failure

Such a waste of space

Such a burden to my family

And yet I couldn't stop

Even my dog was stressed to the max

And hey fur was falling out

Thankfully when I began to recover 

So did she

Even though things have drastically improved for me and my family

Everything is not perfect

I struggle to keep my food down

I struggle to eat proper meals

My self esteem changes from one day to the next

My body image is questionable

I battle guilt and shame

I mourn for the life I could have had

But I am grateful

Grateful to have made it to the age of 33 relatively unscathed

As my mother always says

Given what this family had been through

We are not doing too badly

I whole heartedly agree

Sometimes it seems that when I get one problem under control

Another pops up

I've struggled to stop weighing myself

And it's a constant battle to take my meds correctly

But I do consider myself to be in recovery

As I do want a better life

I do want to grow and learn and thrive

Amazing things have happened in the last few months

I feel stable and able

Stronger and more capable than I've frly in a long time

I've even had a bit of boy drama

Which has been a lot of fun

I think recovery is about constantly moving forward

Granted it may sometimes be one step forward and two steps back

But the important thing is to keep going

To keep putting one foot in front of the other

To get out of bed every morning

And live life the best way I know how

To keep doing the next right thing

To pick ourselves up after we fall

To fight

For our sanity

Our peace of mind

And for our lives 

To never give up

When I was really sick 

I had been that way for so long

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good

I was so numb

An empty shell

The only things I felt were self hatred and guilt and shame

I wanted to disappear

I couldn't see the point of life

The point of my life

I spent most of my time running

From myself

From others

From life 

I just didn't see the point of me

In my eyes 

I was a waste of space

A parasite

 

Over the last few months

I've seen a glimpse of what my life could be like

How it's possible to feel good

To feel hopeful

And positive

To look forward to things

To enjoy the company of others

To feel comfortable in my own skin

To love

And to feel loved

To feel worthy

To wake up in the morning

And not dread the day ahead

To look in the mirror

And not hate what I see

To make friends 

To laugh

To feel 

To not feel afraid of life

To talk to strangers 

To smile 

To be able to accept a compliment

To feel alive 

This is all wonderful

But there is a part of me

Quite a big part of me

That is absolutely terrified

Scared witless

Frightened beyond belief

Of life

Life without my ED

Life without my addiction

Living life on life's terms

To an extent

I still very much hide

And my life is very limited

I wake up early every morning

Have my tea

I blog

I walk my dogs

I might see a friend

I might go shopping

I might do something with my sister

But apart from that

I don't do a whole lot

I don't work

I don't study

I don't go to meetings

Even though I know it would be good for me

Why?

Because I am afraid

Afraid of failing 

Afraid that peor won't like me

Or 'get' me

Afraid I'll do or say something silly 

Or that anxiety will prevent me from speaking at all

But the thing is

I want to do all these things

I want to go to meetings

I want to see friends

I want to date

I want to learn or study

I want to put myself out there

I'm just having a lot of trouble getting past my fear

Strangely 

I seem to be able to manage bigger tasks

Like giving up smoking

It's the little things that get me

Like meeting a friend

Or starting a course

These things seem impossible to me

Do I hide 

I hide in my house

I watch tv do I don't have to listen to my own negative and intrusive thoughts

I pretend that there isn't a whole big world out there

I cancel meeting friends because I can't get out the front door

I guess it is a confidence thing

I don't have a lot of self confidence 

Or belief in myself 

In fact

I have none

None at all

But I think this

What I am going through 

Is fairly normal for someone trying to recover

I've been out of real life for a long time

It's going to be an adjustment getting back in to things

Even though it is so very scary

I will keep going

I will keep fighting for a better life

What is the alternativ?

I was wondering about you 

Do you ever feel like this?

Afraid and overwhelmed

Scared and stuck?

Am I the only one?

Setback?

Ok

Confession time

You know that I smashed my scale a couple of weeks ago 

And my house is a scale free zone

Or at least it was

It was great not weighing

Not knowing that number

Not holding my self worth hostage

It felt like freedom

A lite taste of what life could be like

I didn't miss the scale at all

On Tuesday 

I went for a walk with my friend

When I got out of the car

She commented that I had lost weight

And this girl would notice

as she has an eating disorder too

All that day her words rang in my ears

I went home

And asked my mum and sister if I had lost weight

They confirmed that I had

And also said I looked very pale

My curiosity was pricked

I was dying to know my weight 

The next day

I was in the pharmacy collecting my meds

As I waited

I clocked the public weighing scales in the corner

It was one of those new fangled fancy ones that calculates your BMI etc

I was tempted to stand on it

But I didn't

It was still on my mind though

The next day 

I was collecting my meds again

And again 

As I waited

I spotted weighing scales for sale in the corner of the store

Half price in the sale

I was drawn to them 

Like a magnet I felt pulled towards it

I picked it up 

It was a Weight Watchers scale

It calculated your BMI

You percentage water weight

And fat

I was mesmerised 

A brand new shiny scale

It was like Christmas all over again

I have to admit

I bought the scale

And brought it home

I tried to smuggle it in to my house

But I met my mother in the hall

She looked disappointed to say the least

But I was on a mission

I locked my bedroom door

Opened the box

Placed it on the wooden floor

Stripped

And stood on it

Of course the number meant absolutely nothing

As it was a different scale

And I hadn't weighed in a coue of weeks

So I don't know if I lost or gained

Clever Ruby

Very clever

Even though the scale has now taken up residence in my bedroom

I've only used it a couple of times

I'm not playing that game any more

No freakin' way

I had two glorious number free weeks

And I intend to proceed in the same way

So what to do with the scale?

I'm not sure 

But I'm sure I will think of something.....

Go ahead, make my day!

As you know 

I love getting post

Letters

Packages 

Parcels

Anything 

So I was delighted to get some very interesting looking post this afternoon

I recognised the senders address straight away

My beautiful Bella

I tore in to the wrapping

The first thing I came across was the lovely card

I had to giggle

Bella, you know me well

Then I saw all the chocolate

White chocolate, my favourite!

And there was more

A beautiful key ring with the word hope

That was sold on behalf of The Butterfly  Foundation

Which helps those suffering from eating disorders

Such a lovely thought

But there was still another package

I opened it to find the most beautiful blue apron

It is so pretty

And I am so delighted to have something made by Bella's fair hand

Thank you Bella

You are a absolute star

It never ceases to amaze me the kindness of the girls here in blogger

You blow me away

Again and again

Thank you

Lung Leavin' Day

A couple of weeks ago

I received an email from a man by the name of Cameron Von St James

Who shared with me his and his families story

Nine years ago

Cameron's wife Heather

Was diagnosed with mesothelioma

A rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos

Heather had just given birth to their daughter Lilly

And during the most exciting time in their lives

Heather was given just 15 months to live

After surgery to remove her left lung

Heather began her journey towards survival

And Lung Leavin' Day was born

A name Heather's sister gave the day Heathers lung was removed

In order to lighten the situation

The name stuck

And now the family celebrate it every year

On February 2nd

Lung Leavin' Day is about overcoming your fears

This year is the ninth year of celebrating it

The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears

Each year Cameron and Heather and their families gather together around a fire  in their back yard

Write their fears on to a plate

And smash them in to the fire

They celebrate for those who are no longer here

For those who continue to fight

For those who are currently going through a tough time in their lives

And most importantly

They celebrate life

I was really moved and touched by this story

What really stood out to me was the power and strength of the human spirit

The will to live is such an amazing thing

The instinct to survive keeps us going

Even though we may want to give up

I can relate to this story a lot

Overcoming my own fears is a daily battle

And the last six months have been especially testing

At my counselling appointment yesterday

My counsellor told me that I am a very determined person

I guess I am 

Although up until now

I only used that determination and stubbornness in a destructive way

But recently 

I have been using it as a power for good

To help myself

And others

For the longest time

I didn't care if I lived or died

In fact I courted death

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

Not actively seeking it

But welcoming it all the same

I was more afraid of living than I was of dying

It seemed the only way out of my situation was to disappear

I really believed that was the only viable option

But the will to live is strong

Even though you think you don't want to live

It is always there

I began to fight

To fight for my life

And just like light seeping in to a dark room

I began to get a glimpse of what my life could be like

I began to see that there is life after ED and addiction

That there was more to me than my illness

Little by little

Things started to improve for me

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

I re-gained some weight

It was like inhaling a breath of fresh air after I had been drowning for so long

Every day since then has been one of growth and learning

It's scary

It's terrifying

It's overwhelming

It can be monotonous

Boring

But it's also exciting 

Life affirming

Beautiful

And heart warming

I am feeling again

The good and the bad

The ups and downs

The highs and the lows

It's a whole new world 

To feel again

To be present in the moment

To stop running from myself

To stop hating myself

Overcoming our fears is essential if we want to grow, learn and move forward

I often find that it is the thought of something is a lot scarier than the actual event itself 

It's the build up to it

The anticipation

It's the constant thinking about it that can cripple me

One thing I have learned in recent times

Is that I am a lot more capable than I thought I was

Fear is part and parcel of life

We can either let it hold us back

Or we can feel the fear and do it anyway

For me

It's baby steps all the way

Everything is new right now

And it's scary

But what is the alternative?

Letting feat rule my life?

I'm not willing to do that

So I invite you today 

To take part in Lung Leavin' Day on 2nd February

Let's not let fear run our lives

Let's be brave 

Let's be strong

We can do this

We can live the life of our dreams

It is possible

I truly believe that

Thank you Cameron and Heather 

For bringing this to my attention

For reminding me that I can face my fears

I wish you a lifetime of happiness and health

And Happy Lung Leavin' Day to you!

Confused.com

I remember a few months ago

Saying to one of my friends 

That I wished I had some boy drama in my life

And I meant it

Well now I do have some boy drama in my life

And as fun and exciting as it all is

I am thoroughly confused

The last few days have gone something like this

Sunday

I texted the boy

And invited him to call out the next day

As I thought I would have the house to myself

But it turned out that I didn't

So that idea was scratched 

Monday

We arranged to meet on Tuesday

After my counselling appointment

But then he texted that he had to work

So I headed home

And told him he could call out when he was done

Then he texted that he had a flat tyre

And could I go out to him

He the sent directions to his house

But I was feeling sleepy with my meds 

And didn't feel comfortable driving that far

So I was the last one to text

And to him to text me when he could meet up

That was last night

And I haven't heard from him since

I have to say

This is wrecking my head

The constant texting back and forth

The not knowing if he likes me

Or what he really wants

I was so tempted to send him a text asking him straight out if he likes me or what

I'm not sure if this is game playing

I hate game playing

I much rather someone would be honest with me

It saves so much time and energy

And the funny thing is

That I'm not even sure that I like this guy

And yet

I want him to like me

The rational part of me knows it's not a good idea to get involved with this guy

I know it could all end in tears

Every fibre of my being is telling me to stay away from him

Yet I feel strangely drawn to him

Why is that?

Is it because I want what I can't have?

Is it because he is a so called 'bad boy'?

Is it because he is the first guy that has featured in my life since I've started to recover?

I really don't know

As I have said before 

I am so rusty and out of practice as regards dating and matters of heart 

I feel like I teenager again

Trying to figure out if the boy likes me

Trying to figure out if I like him

Or if I like the idea of him

Reading his texts

Trying to read between the lines

Ay ay ay 

So ladies

My lovely ladies

I know some of you are in relationships

Some of you are married

And some of you are single like me 

I need your help

What do I do?

What should my next move be?

Do I text him again?

Or wait for him to get in touch with me?

My feeling is that I should wait for him to make the next move

But I could ge wrong

Damn this is so confusing 

I am so baffled people 

HELP!!!!!!

Counselling

I had my first counselling appointment this morning

And it couldn't have come soon enough

I used to see this lady a few years ago

And always found her good

One of the better therapists I have seen over the years

It took me a while to find the place

I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car

Even though I have been driving for years

I am not very confident

But then I am not very confident in general 

So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life

Anyway

I found it eventually 

I knocked on the door

And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room

There was a clock ticking

And the obligatory box of tissues on the table

I settled in to my seat

And we began by talking about where we had left off

I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital

So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover

How my mood and anxiety have improved

And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard

She asked me what I would like to work on

So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem

And how I have very little belief in myself

How my bulimia persists 

And how I want to move on with my life

She asked me where I would like to move too

I told I wouldn't to be more sociable

Get my purging under control

And get back in to real life

As in doing a course

Or getting a job

She asked me if that's what I want

I said I feel I should do these things

And I do feel that

It's not necessarily what I want

But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far

She said I had a lot of determination 

That I can do anything I set my mind to

At one point she said I was 'some woman'

I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened

I tend to focus on what I haven't done

Rather than what I have done

She listed out the thins o have done

Beaten drug addiction

Alcoholism

I have up smoking

I maintain a healthy weight

Worked on myself

And the way I feel about myself

It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety

Breathing

Awareness

Mindfulness

Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head

And I need that

Practical ways to deal with these things

I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today

My butterflies are very busy

I was supposed to go to his house

But now I think he is coming here

I guess when I spend some time with him

It will become clear whether I like him or not

At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news

I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist

That is amazing

I'm hoping it's true

I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day

And she commented that I look like I have lost weight

The ED part of me was delighted

And I got a little buzz

That feeling is addictive

I just want more and more of it

I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost

And they confirmed it

It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world

But I won't 

I won't let that happen

I have too much to lose now

So I am doing my level best to get back on track

I know that my weight is still settling down

And I have lost weight

But I am still in the healthy weight range

I am ok with it with my weight

I don't hate it

I don't love it

It is what it is

My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy

I think that is my set point

So all in all

Life is good at the moment

I have my health

And my mental health 

That is all I need

For now.......

Heart or Head?

Doctor day today

Dr M had a medical student observing today

So he was a lot more professional than usual

I played along

Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am

I asked him about my meds

And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently

He said that as things were going well

He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week

I guess that is best

If it ain't broke right?

He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet

I told him my first one was tomorrow

Which it is

So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment

My mood is stable

I'm having very little cravings

My weight is ok

I'm seeing friends 

And even seeing a boy

More of which later

But I still have a lot of work to do

The purging persists

Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day

Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day

Yes it's an improvement

But to all intents and purposes

I am still very much bulimic

I still binge and purge

I still use food in an unhealthy way

Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

Now

About the boy

We were texting yesterday

I asked him if he wanted to call out here today

As I thought I'd have the house to myself

But now it looks like I won't

So I need to tell him that

And maybe arrange to do something else

I am very confused about this situation

I really don't know if I like him or not

I mean

He is a lovely guy

I think he is attractive

But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend

I was talking with my sister and her friend

They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him

I do

And I think about him a lot

He's always on my mind

I love to see that he has texted

And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him

But 

Matters of the heart are never straight forward

There are other factors at play

He is my ex boyfriends best friend

Does that make it weird?

I'm really not sure

Also I'm not sure if I like him

Or like the idea of him

Or maybe because we used to use together 

He represents danger and intrigue 

And anyway

He might not like me at all

I my boy radar could be way off

As I have said before

I am so rusty and out of practice

I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years

And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober

This is unchartered territory

And it is scary

Confusing

Mind boggling

And baffling

Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?

Why can't we be open and honest

Lay all our cards on the table

Then everyone would know what was happening

It would completely eliminate the guess work

The trying to read the other persons mind

The reading of texts

And trying to read between the lines

And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday

The Boy took ages to reply to my text

What is that all about?

Why can't people text straight away

That would have saved me hours of agony

And because he took ages to reply

I decided to wait a while before replying

Isn't that playing mind games?

Is it being strategic

I hate these games

No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends

How do I know if I really have feelings for him?

How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?

Is there a test or something I can take?

I'm kidding

But you know what I mean

Part of me thinks we should just stay friends

As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship

But the truth is that I would love to meet someone

And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible

Up until now

A relationship just hadn't been on my radar

I was too sick to contemplate it

But now

Well now that I am a lot more stable

I feel ready to share my life with someone

I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun

It's a feel good thing

I feel like I am really starting to live life

And that is an amazing feeling

I just need a little girl to girl advice

So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?

How do I know if I really like him?

And if he really likes me?

My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea

So do I go with my heart?

Or my head?

I think I already know the answer 

But I would love to know what you think

The Bed War

As you know

Honey had her eye operation last Monday

And as she stayed with my Dad for a couple of days

He went out and bought her a brand new bed

Now Honey gets very attached to her beds

She spends most of her life in bed

Sometimes she moved her bed around

Putting it in the best vantage point

Her bed is currently in the utility room

Tucked in under the work top 

She loves it there

She can see everything 

The kitchen

Lea

The garden

Oh yes

Her bed is in a prime location

So when Honey was well enough to travel

My Dad brought her and her new bed up here

She now had two beds 

And we placed the new one in the kitchen beside the radiator

Honey pretty much ignored the new bed at first

Didn't even look at it

But over the course of the week

It became more and more appealing to her

First she went over and sniffed it

Then she might stand on it for a minute

And now she is using as her 'Day bed'

As in she uses it to lounge in during the day

And keeps her other bed for night time

So it was very funny today when I walked in to the kitchen 

And saw that Lea was in 

Honeys day bed

Honey was outside at the time

And so had no idea that Lea had laid claim to the new bed

I immediately got my phone out to take a shot of her

Here are Lea and  Honey and said beds

Great Baba?

I had had some very strange comments on my post about The Boy
Comments directing me to spell casters
To get what ever I want
Here are some of the comments

From Elizabeth Rosas Bella
After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL
ADDRESS IS:drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

From Anonymous

First of all, these are just my opinions, accept or disregard them as you
see fit. Magic is a complex subject and its practitioners are a diverse
lot. I offer the following tips as a sort of "community service" because
i'd hate to think of all the vulnerable and needy folks out there who may
get hosed by an unethical magic worker.
i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM
When you are down and out - heartbroken, poor, lonely - it is easy to be
taken advantage of - this is true in all regards, but with magic in
particular. Magic has a veil of secrecy; it seems exotic and unattainable
by the uninitiated - and in some instances it is. Many folks who seek to
have magic done on their behalf know little about the subject - they just
have a willing and open mind without knowing a lot, and therefore they are
easy prey for civilians out there, unethical fakes who have flashy ads with
mysterious and real-sounding credentials who take your money and do no
magic on behalf of their paying clients. To me this is criminal, a
monumental betrayal of sacred trust.

Any way, as a confession right off the bat and to avoid any appearance of
impropriety, i myself do magic for people and sometimes offer my services
on eBay and Facebook Google and what have you.This being the case, i have
no ulterior motives in writing this guide, nor do i wish to advertise my
own work. There are a whole host of good, ethical magic practitioners out
there, and you will be Spirit-led to the one who is a best fit for you.
Not all workers are one-spell-fits-all, they all have their own gifts and
specialties, and they all take different clients. In any event, i keep my
workload down to it maximum

1.he cure HIV
2.Retrieve all lost money
3.help you to get in touch all fraudsters who ate your money
4.bring your ex lover back
5.help you to enchant your lover
6.power for ministration
7.fame and power
8.can also be a teacher if you wish to be a spell practitioner

i will like you to contact DOCTOREDEHSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM

From Paul Annie
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Very strange me thinks
Have any of you had any comments like this?

Addiction

I went  out for dinner last night
With my sister and her friend
We decided to go to a local pub
As it has great food
We arrived there around 7pm
Believe it or not
That is late for me to be out
Usually I am in my pyjamas by the time it gets dark
The food was lovely
I had beef and Guinness casserole
It was delicious
But I couldn't finish it
As time passed
More and more people came in to the pub
It was a Friday night
So people were relaxing after a hard weeks work
And letting their hair down

Two girls came in at one point
I heard them saying that one of the girls was 18 that day
And everyone was wishing her Happy Birthday
And buying her drinks
As I watched all the different groups of people
Chatting
Laughing
Having the 'craic' as we say in this country
I began to feel a little uncomfortable
I couldn't identify the feeling at first
Somewhere between resentment and longing
Resentful that I couldn't have a drink
And longing to be able to be part of that world
As you know
I don't drink
I had to stop
As when I drank
I drank far too much
And got in to so much trouble
I could never have just one drink
And marvelled at people who could have just one
And leave it at that
When I started drinking
I couldn't stop
Not for love nor money

Every now and then
I get really annoyed that I can't drink like a normal person
I see my brother have a pint
Or someone having a glass of wine with dinner
A civilized drink
I miss being able to have a drink
But then I never drank for the taste
I drank to get drunk
To get trashed
Out of my head
I drank to help my confidence
To talk to people
To be sociable
I drank for all the wrong reasons

So I was sitting in the pub last night
And I now know that what I was feeling was jealous
Jealous of that girl
Who had just become an adult
And had her whole life ahead of her
Jealous of the people who could have a drink
And leave it at that
Jealous of the fun I was missing out on
The laughter
The banter
The fun
I miss that

I keep having to remind myself
That I am not like everyone else
I am not like those people who can have a social drink
I am an addict
One is too many
And a thousand never enough
I remember the first time I went to treatment
I was told that I could never drink again
If I wanted to be clean and sober
I couldn't drink at all
I couldn't get my head around this
And didn't really believe that I had to stop drinking
When I left treatment I did drink
And of course that lead me back to drugs
It was only years later that I finally realized that my drinking was out of control
And I had to stop
If I wanted to lead any semblance of a normal life

When I start feeling nostalgic about using or drinking
When I start to think it's a good idea
When I am craving
When I want out of my own head
I don't have to look very far
To remind myself of the damage that addiction does
I don;t have to look further than my next door neighbours

I don't think I have written about them before
As I don't tend to talk about other people here on my blog
I won't go in to too ,much detail
But I will just give you a general idea of what their life is like
They are an elderly couple
In their 70's
And they are both alcoholics
The lead an incredibly limited and sad life
They are not in touch with their families
They never have any visitors
Their life is a very lonely one
There  has been trouble in that house over the years
When they're drunk
They fight
And I have been over their numerous times trying to keep the peace
The cops have also been called on occasion

A couple of years ago
The woman drank so much that she got a 'wet brain'
A wet brain happens when you drink so much
That you become a vegetable
She was in hospital for months
Didn't know her own name
And didn't know us when we went in to visit her
Thankfully she made a remarkable recovery
Although I am not sure if she drinks now

Last Monday night
We saw an ambulance leave their house
My Mum rang to see what had happened
The man had been taken to hospital
After an alleged stroke
We called in the next day
The woman told us that her husband had been sick since Friday
He speech was slurred
But the woman thought it was from drink
So she didn't become worried until the Monday
When he deteriorated a lot
She rang the doctor Monday lunch time
And even though she said it was an emergency
The doctor didn't arrive until late evening
When he immediately called the ambulance

I have been calling over every day
To do some jobs for her
Let her dog out
Collect her shopping
And pay her bills
Her husband is in a very bad state in hospital
And it is likely that he won't pull through
Even though he is at deaths door
He still managed to get alcohol in to the hospital
I asked the woman today of drink contributed to his condition
She said it definitely had
And that if she had rang  the ambulance sooner
He might not have deteriorated so much

This situation with my neighbours breaks my heart
And is a stark reminder of the damage and destruction that addiction does
Yes I am not like everyone else
I can't drink
Because if I do
I could  end up like these people
Alone
Sick
Isolated
Completely f**ked up
Not drinking is a small price to pay
For my sanity
My peace of mind
My families peace of mind
And my heath
In my opinion
Alcohol is the worst drug there is
Especially in this country
We are a nation of drinkers
And the damage is untold
So many families torn apart by drink
So I will thank my lucky stars that I have got out of y addiction relatively unscathed
I look at my neighbours
And I think
There but for the grace of God go I
I am out of that game
I managed to get off that merry-go-round
I am one of the lucky ones

The Boy: First meeting

Ok

So you know that I've been in contact with The Boy

The boy being my ex boyfriends best friend

We've been texting back and forth over the last few weeks

Talking about meeting up

But it never seemed to happen

So Wednesday I decided to take the bull by the horns

And suggested we meet up yesterday

In a local coffee shop

I was both thrilled and terrified when he replied

And the date was set for 3pm

Thankfully

I met a friend in the morning

And was able to ground myself

I really didn't want my feelings to cloud my judgement

And as you know I am impulsive and compulsive 

And can't always trust myself

So talking with my friend was great

I do not exaggerate when I say I was high on nerves all day

I still hadn't told any of my family that I was meeting The Boy

But when I told my sister I was going out to meet someone

She straight away knew I was up to something

So I told her where I was going

She also gave me a pep talk

And offered to ring me mid date 

If I needed an escape

I declined her offer

As the only reason I would have needed an escape is if he was out of his head

Or blatantly using

And  I was pretty sure he wasn't

Although I wasn't positive

Then I had to figure out what to wear

I wanted to look casual but pretty

Effortless but put together

So I decided on my blue Fat Face jumper

My wine coloured Brakeburn trousers 

My new Roxy high tops

And my Superdry snood

I also straightened my hair

And ruffled it so it looked tousled and shaggy

I decided against make up

Because I have no idea how to apply make up properly

And I didn't want to look too done up

So I applied a little foundation

Just enough to give me youthful glow

We were meeting at three

So I decided to leave early

As I wanted to be the first one to get there

I settled on a comfy couch

Ordered a cup of tea

And tried to look relaxed and confident

A few minutes later

And I get a text from the boy saying he is running a few minutes late

Damn

All this waiting was making me even more nervous

I started to worry

About what we would talk about

What he would think of me

What if idid or said something really embarrassing

What if the second I saw him

I jumped his bones

This was a lot more likely to happen than you would think

Remember I haven't dated in a long long time

To get out of my head

I picked up a newspaper 

I was sitting by the door

Do every time the door opened 

I looked up to see if it was him

Eventually he arrived

And apologised for being late 

He sat down beside me on the couch

He looked different to what I remembered

When I knew him years ago

He had a shaven head

Tattoos all over

Clean shaven

Now he has long hair

And a beard no less 

I think I said before that he is attractive in a kind of earthy manly way

Lovely eyes

 And a smile that could break hearts 

We got straight to catching up

Talked about people we knew

Where they are now

Talked about the drug

And how fucked up we were back then

We laughed

Laughed a lot

Always a good sign in my book

He told me that he has a son

And he is single

What a coincidence

So am I

We chatted for a long time

Then he went out for a smoke

And I went to the bathroom

We settled back down again

And spoke for another while

It was nice

No awkward silences

He is easy to talk to

Easy to get on with

But then

He always was

After a couple of hours

I stretched

And said I better go

We finished our drinks

And went outside

Then came the awkward bit

We had said good bye

Yet we were still standing looking at each other

I was thinking to myself should I hug him?

Does he want to kiss me?

I really couldn't gauge the situation

And I felt so silly just standing there

So I made a move to go

And said goodbye again

Even though it was obvious he was holding out for something

Sorry dude

I don't kiss on the first date

Actually that's a lie

I have kissed plenty of boys on a first date

But there was one big difference

I was either drunk or stoned

Dealing with dating and the like stone cold sober is a whole different kettle of fish let me tell you

I need to pace myself 

I got home and had a chat with my sister

I told her that I think I just want us to be friends

But I'm really not sure

I guess I don't know what I want

I felt a bit bad that I hadn't at least hugged him when I left

So I decided to text him

To tell him that it was great to see him

And to text me when he wants to meet again

He texted back and said it was great to see me too

And that I 'looked great'

What does that mean?

What does that mean people?

Is he just being nice?

Or does he like me?

Man I am so rusty and out of practice

Even though this is all very nerve wracking and confusing

I must say

It is great fun

I had forgotten how nice it feels to like someone

To get butterflies

I think this is progress ladies

Even if nothing happens between me and him

At least I have had some fun

And made a new friend

Now

Next mission

Second date here I come.......

On the mend

Honey is getting a little better everyday

She is sleeping a lot

And generally taking it easy

We are spoiling her

And looking after her as best we can

Here she is today

She didn't want to get out of her new bed

So I got in with her

The scales

As you know
I smashed my scales last week
So my house is now a scale free zone
And what what a revelation that is
Over Christmas
I was weighing every day
At least once a day
And carefully recorded the number in my notebook
It's addictive
That feeling of standing on the scale
And seeing how much you're  worth
Is so addictive
But it is a game of numerical roulette
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
I was literally measuring my worth in pounds and ounces
That number dictated my mood for the day
My self esteem
And my self worth
All dictated by those little red numbers

I didn't miss my scale at first
But a few days in
And I was dying to know
I even thought about buying  new scale
But I decided not too
No good can come of it

I am going by clothes

And they fit me just fine

So I'm ok with that

My body image is a bit all over the place at the moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror 

And I want to cry

Sometimes I think I look ok

Sometimes I think I look something approaching good

It changes from day to day

Minute to minute

And is subject to change at the drop of a hat

But you know what?

Not weighing myself every day is something of s revelation

When I threw my first scales in to the lake

I knew there was another one in the house 

So I knew I could still find out my weight if I wanted to

But this time

Well now my house is scale free

I have to tell you

It is so liberating

Apart from the odd time when I get an urge to weigh

I feel positively free

Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my  shoulders

Literally

The scale was my best friend

And my worst enemy

Depending on the number I was

I'd get up in the morning

Go to the bathroom

Then strip

And stand tentatively on the scale

Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number

Before I stood on the scale

I would have a number in my head

A safe number

Anything under that number would be gone

But anything more

And the shit would really hit the fan

So now I have no earthly clue what my weight is

And I don't think I want to know

All I know is that I feel ok in my skin

Not fantastic

But not unbearable either

I can tolerate myself 

Most of the time 

My clothes fit fine

And are even a bit loose

So I feel safe in the knowledge that my weight is settling down

And is becoming stable

Thank you Jesus

My weight is stabilising 

I feel like I am getting back to myself

After a rocky Christmas

Getting my meds daily has really helped

As I have no opportunity to misuse them

I feel clear headed

Capable and strong

And generally in better form

Now I just need to stay on track

Head down

Bum up 

And keep on going 

Home sweet Home

Honey is home

My dad brought her here a couple of hours ago

She is still quite sedated

And got straight in to her bed

After having a little something to eat

Her eye doesn't look as bad as I thought it would

But 

It's obvious that it is tender

And she is in a bit of discomfort

My father told me that the vet didn't want to say it in front of me

But she was in a lot of pain the last couple of weeks

So I am so relieved that she is on the road to recovery

The vet also told us that Honey is in great health

And will be around for the next 5-7 years

I was so glad to hear this

I guess what Honey needs now is lashings of TLC

My dad told me that Honey slept in his bed last night

And Honey woke him up this morning licking his face

So Honey is home

Back where she belongs

We look after her

And spoil her

And just make sure she is ok

I am so proud of her

As she just takes things in her stride

And gets on with life

She could teach me a thing or too

Here is the Honey Bunny......

Honey's operation

My sister and Honey and I travelled to my dads home town yesterday morning

Where we had an appointment with the vet at 11 30am

The roads were quite slippy 

So we really had to take our time driving

Honey slept soundly in the back seat the whole way

We arrived at my dads

Changed cars

And made our way to the vets

After speaking to the girl at reception

The vet called us in to the surgery

He was lovely to Honey

And petted her and spoke to her for a few minutes before examining her

Honey didn't even growl or anything

After Honey was feeling comfortable

The vet checked her little eye

He winced as he looked at it

Then took out a little torch

And checked it as I held her eye open

He said the eye was rupturing

And the only option was to remove it

As she was in pain

He was so very sure that the eye was dead

And she had no sight

The vet then checked her weight and heart

To make sure she was fit for surgery

He said that if Honey weighed any more

Surgery wouldn't have been possible

Honey is over weight

And that is something that I really need to address when she gets well

We left Honey in the vets capable hands

Hoping she would be ok

We would ring in the afternoon to check on her

And my dad would pick her up that evening 

My sister and I wanted to get home early

As the weather wasn't great

So we had a quick bite to eat

And set off for home

My dad rang the vets before we left

The operation went well

There were no complications

And she could be picked up in a few hours

I was so glad it went well

I couldn't wait to see her 

That evening my dad rang me to let me know that Honey was home in his house

She was very sedated

And was sleeping peacefully

She got up once

And was very confused

So my dad brought her bed in beside the fire where she went back to sleep

I rang this morning to check on her 

And she is still sleeping

All being well

My dad will bring her here today

I am so looking forward to seeing her

I have been so worried

Here are a couple of photos from yesterday

D Day

It's Monday morning

I've been to the doctor

We're just having a quick cuppa

Before we leave for the vet

It's an hour and a half drive

So I've brought honeys food and water bowl

She is completely oblivious as what is happening

But I am praying for a good outcome

Here is me this morning 

Giving her a pep talk .....

Archive

I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archive

It was truly fascinating

Every little detail from the last three years of my life documented

It really was like reading about someone else's life

A lot of things I had forgotten

Thank you pesky short term memory loss

Some things I had blocked from my memory

Some things I didn't even want to be reminded of 

But what a journey I have been on

I forget a lot of the time how much has happened

What I have been through

What I have survived

It's crazy

I went back to March 2013

Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitis

That time is very hazy

And to read all about it

As if I was a third person was chilling

It was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidly

A lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with Mary

I don't really think about her right now because it's easier not to

But she really was an amazingly positive influence in my life

To read about her

The stories she told me

The way she told me endlessly that I could get well 

And live a full and happy life

She was so sure

So sure that I could recover

Why did I ever doubt her?

Sometimes I think about my life

And how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earth

If I think about it too much

It can really get me down

People always tell me 

That I have overcome so much

I've battled drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia

But I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start off

I am now at the point in my life

Or least I am getting to the point in my life

Where most people are before they can walk

A 'normal' healthy functioning human being

I feel like I am so far behind

I don't know if I will ever catch up 

Or if I even want to

I have far too much time on my hands

And my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places 

Too dark and twisty for my liking

I think about drugs

And how I miss them

I think about The boy

And how much trouble we could get in together

I think about death

And how I equally fear it and welcome it

I really wish my mind had an off switch 

As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion

Edit: This post was brought to you by a girl whose head, for a brief period today, was up her ass

Don't worry

I haven't 

And will not do any of said 'dark and twisty' things

Normal service will resume tomorrow

When said head is out of said ass

And yes

I am loving using the word 'said' at the moment

Said word is awesome.....

Clothes Post #12

As you ready know

I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl

And prefer the surfer look

Even though I have never surfed a day in my life

Well today I treated myself to a pair of cream Roxy trainers

They were in the sale

So I thought why  bloody not
Too good an opportunity to miss out on
Forget about the fact that I am an impulsive compulsive shopper who can not help herself
I had to sneak said trainers in to my house
As I am supposed to be saving for our Camino trip in September
#Never gonna happen

I also bought this blue hoody

Which already featured in my 'smash the scale' post

Here they are.....

'These are a few of my favourite things..........'

EThis post is inspired by ThewriternamedA
Who did a very cool list about her favourite things of 2014
This is more a general list of my favourite things of this moment
So here goes.....

Favourite song:
Take me to church - Hozier
Sedated - Hozier
Actually anything by Hozier (And not just because he is Irish)

Favourite book:
The Dinner by Herman Koch
Such a page turner

Favourite Tv show:
Last year it was Breaking Bad
This year it is Orange is the new black
Couldn't choose between the two

Favourite film:
Mmmm this is a hard one
I loved Gone Girl
Wild
The fault in our stars
Too many to mention
But these are some of the best

Favourite drink:
Hot sweet tea
Always hot sweet tea
Some things never change

Anything can solved over a cup of tea

Favourite item of clothing:
It's a tie between my new blue Roxy hoody
And the blue jumper from Fat Face that I wore on Christmas day

Favourite animal:
Lea and Honey of course
Who else?

Favourite quote:
'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am' - unknown
My eternal favourite quote

Favourite colour:
Purple - My bedroom has  a lot of purple
Navy - Is the colour that suits me best to wear

Favourite place:
Bundoran beach on a cold Winter morning
York (Holiday summer 2014)

Favourite food:
Since my sister came home from Australia
We have all been eating like queens
She is an amazing cook
I now know that up until 6 months ago
I didn't know what good food was
It's really hard to pick a favourite food
But if I had to
It would be Sicilian beef stew
Lip smackin' good

Favourite restaurant:
Maddens in my home town
Or Langs

Favourite gadget:
Definitely my iphone
I am a late comer to the wonder that is the iphone
But I got there eventually

Some other of my favourite things:
Internet shopping
When said shopping arrives at my door
Opening said shopping
You really can't beat the feeling of getting a package delivered to your door
Sometimes I don't open the package for some time as I want the feeling to last

Getting letters/cards in the post
I just love to get something hand written
And I love to send handwritten cards and letters too

Collecting my dogs from the kennels
There's nothing more friendly than  a wet dog

Being hungry
I love working up an appetite
And then sitting down to a home cooked meal
Everything tastes better when you are really hungry

I hate having showers
But I love the feeling of being squeaky clean
I also love getting in to bed when the linen has just been changed
Such a lovely feeling

When I was a smoker
I would have said the first smoke of the day
But I am now a non smoker
So I like to imagine....

Waking up from a bad dream
And realizing that it's not real

Getting emails/test messages
I'm such a nerd
But I love to hear the tinkle of my phone
To notify me that I have got a message

Laying my head on my pillow at night

Those few brief moments before o fall asleep

When I know I have gotten through another day

For those few minutes my head is clear

I feel calm

And feel like any thing is possible

What are some of your favourite things?

Appreciation and operations

Thanks so much for your feedback on my last post

I feel so out of touch with things in that area so your input was much appreciated

The general consensus seemed to be to proceed with caution

Which I most definitely will

I guess when I think about it

I get butterflies

But I don't know if they are because of him

Or because of the fact that I used to use with him

And Lilly to answer your question

I don't think he is using

As in using heroin

But I think he may be dabbling in other stuff

Which both terrifies me and thrills me

I've always been a person who thrives on danger

And this situation is dangerous

That's what makes it so fascinating

But I should know better

Any decisions  I make should be done so with a clear head

And with my best interests at heart

But at the moment

That situation will have to wait

I have bigger fish to fry

Honey is my priority

Her appointment has been made for Monday

So after the doctor

We will travel to my dads home town 

To the vets for 11 30am

He will examine her eye

And if it needs to be removed

He will do it there and then

Depending on how Honey is after the operation

She will either stay the night in the vets house

Or if she is doing well

She can go home to my dads house

And he will bring her home to me on Tuesday

Our whole family is keeping their fingers and toes crossed that everything will go as well as it can

I'm just glad that something is being done about it

So Honey can get back to being herself again

The Boy

I've wanted to write this post for a while
But have avoided it as I know that some of my family read this blog
However
I am going to write it anyway
As I need to write about this
Here goes

I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time
A really long time
Partly because I was sick
And boys just weren't on my radar
Partly because I hated myself so much
And didn't trust anyone who showed me any kind of positive attention
Mostly because I was too busy trying to kill myself with various addictions
I didn't have the energy or the inclination to date

You may remember a post I did about a year ago called 'Blast from the past'
It was about a guy I had run in to here in my home town
I was walking my dogs on my road one day
And a jeep pulled up
Someone stuck their head out the window
And called my name
I didn't know who the heck it was at first
But as I got closer to the jeep
I saw it was indeed a blast from the past
It was my ex-boyfriends best friend
A guy that has been in and out of my life for years
As I spoke to him
He told me that he was living up here now
There was also a girl in the jeep with him
Who I presumed was his girlfriend
I can remember that day so clearly
My heart was thumping in my chest
As memories came flooding back
I actually became worried that he was so close by
I mean I came here to get away from all that shit
But I thought maybe he came up here for the same reason as I did
To start a new life
We exchanged phone numbers
And said we would meet up soon
But I wasn't sure if I wanted to

Since then
I have run in to this guy a couple of times
Then I went in to treatment
And we lost contact again
Then Christmas this year
He texted me to see if I wanted to meet up
I was nervous but we arranged to meet up this week for coffee
However
The universe intervened
And we were snowed in
He texted that morning to say that his jeep wouldn't start
So we said we would leave it for another day

He has been on my mind a lot
Back when we were using
There was four of us that hung out together
Me and my boyfriend
And this guy and his girlfriend
I always thought this guy was good looking
In a sort of earthy manly kind of way
He was always in trouble
And I guess that appealed to me to
But nothing ever happened between us
And I suppose I am wondering why he wants to meet
Is it genuinely for a coffee and a chat
Or is it something more that he wants
I am so out of practice with flirting and such
That I really can't tell what he wants
Heck
I don't even know what I want

But I think this
What I am going through
Is pretty normal for someone my age
I guess it is progress because it means I am healthy enough to consider such things
The ball is in my court now
He said to text him when I want to meet up
But that;s the thing
I don't know what I want
And I wish I knew what he wanted

This is where you all come in
I need some girl to girl advice
What do you think about my meeting this guy?
Do you think I am on dodgy territory?
Should I leave well enough alone?
Or should I pursue this?

HELP!!!
I NEED HELP!!

We are family

As you know
I smashed my scales to bits  the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
However
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight

And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing




Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body'  so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight

When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)

And if there is one thing that I have learned over the years

Is that thin does not make me happy

I have been every size

From zero to twelve

And I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all them

So at the moment

I am going by how my clothes fit

And they fit just fine

So let's go with that

Anyway

On to another matter

Outdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last post

And said I had helped her reach out and ask for help

She write about how after so long she is ready to accept help

I was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasons

First I am so happy that she asked for help

That is the first and most vital step

I think us ED girls don't like to tell others about our struggles

We are ashamed

We feel guilty

We feel we are a burden if we ask for help 

In fact it's quite the opposite

It takes s lot of courage to ask for help

Those three words

Please help me

Are so difficult to say

But if we can find the strength to say them

The relief is immense

So well done OJ

I am so proud of you

Second

It warms my heart

And fills me with joy

To know that my blog is helping others

Sometimes I am writing

And I'm wondering if anyone is reading

Or if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internet

So to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone else

Whether it is to ask for help

Or that that person can relate and doesn't feel so alone

That blows my mind

As you know

My writing policy has always been to be open and honest

Brutally honest

I know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailing

That everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recovery

And maybe it is that way for some people

It's not for me 

My recovery had been tumultuous to say the least

So many ups and downs

Highs and lows

It's a rollercoaster

As my sponsor used to say to me

Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride

No more than life

Recovery is not a smooth run

Life is tough

It's hard going

It can be frustrating

Sad

Overwhelming

Boring

Infuriating

Fun

The whole gamut of emotions

Recovery is the same

My aim writing this blog

Has always been to help myself

To connect with others

And hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating 

So to know that is happening is truly wonderful

I know I say it a lot

But this community never ceases to amaze me

How we help and support each other

It's unique and so very special

I will continue to write

I will continue to fight against this cruel illness 

The illness that wants us dead

The illness that steals the best years of our lives

That wants to control our bodies and minds

That wants to isolate us from those that love us

The illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothing

It is so important that we keep putting

One foot in front of the other and keep going

That we fight every day for a better life

It's so important that we don't lose our will to live

That we keep hoping

And believing that there is hope after our EDs

Because there is

I am just starting to see that

I am getting a glimpse of what my life could be

And that is so wonderful

So please 

Don't ever give up

Keep your head up

Don't listen to your ED that whispers in your ear

It's lies

It's all horse shit

As they say in AA

We alone can do it

But we can not do it alone