A weighty issue....

I just spent about 45 minutes trying to take a flattering photograph of myself

To post here on my blog

I put on make up

Tried on different clothes

Put my hair up

Took it down

Straightened it

Tried different poses

Smiling

Frowning 

Pouting

But no matter what I did

In my eyes

I looked like a beached whale

I actually hated the way I looked

And it reduced me to tears

I finally gave up

Certain that no matter what I did

I would still be a fat girl with wonky teeth and lines around her mouth and eyes

I won't lie to you

Since I stopped using

My food issues are spinning out of control

I'm binging and purging like it's going out of fashion 

And am hating every second of it

When I am binging and purging one of two things happens

I either lose a lot of weight very quickly

Or I gain a lot of weight very quickly

Unfortunately for me

The latter is happening 

And I've gained 5 pounds in the last week

5 pounds may not sound like a lot

And of course it could be a fluctuation

But to me

It might as well be 50 pounds

It is bothering me that much 

I weigh myself every morning

And that little number that shows up has the power to ruin or make my day

That number dictates my self worth

Self esteem

And confidence for that whole day

That number can send me shooting into euphoria

Or spiralling down in to depression

I hate that it has so much power over me

But it does

I might be perfectly fine 

Mood stable

Feeling good in myself

Then I step on the scale

And my whole world comes crashing down

I shit you not

Because the scales is in my bedroom

Members of my family come in to weigh themselves from time to time

My other sister was down on Sunday

And she asked me if she could weigh herself

I accompanied her down to my room

As I am always fascinated to watch others weigh in

For me weighing is an intensely personal thing

I do it alone

And the only other person who I would let see was Mary

Of course I also like to watch others weigh

As I compare my number to their number

So my sister and I went down to my room

She removed her boots

And stood on the scale

I hope she won't mind me revealing her weight 

She was 142 pounds

She stands at about 5'2

I was fascinated to watch her reaction

According to her she had gained about 10 pounds since the last time she weighed

She was a bit disappointed

But she didn't let it get to her

She said she knew she had gained

As her clothes felt tighter recently

But five minutes after she had weighed

She had forgotten all about it

And got on with her day

My other sister is the same

She weighs herself in my room from time to time 

Just to keep track of it

And again the number makes little or no difference to her

She sees the number 

She may feel a bit happier or a bit disappointed momentarily

But then she moves on

And gets on with her day

How I would love to be like that

I just ran over to my neighbour 

To tell her I would walk her dog in a while

I mentioned that I am going to have reflexology done today

She seemed interested in it

So I was explaining that my counsellor referred me to it

My neighbour asked me how I am doing

And I told her I am good for the most part

She told me that I look great

Compared to what I looked like 18months ago

I thanked her 

But it's still hard to accept compliments

I know people are kind

And want to acknowledge my getting better

Their heart is in the right place 

I understand that

But I still find comments about my weight hard to take

Maube in time that will improve

But I guess it's still early days for me

My Dad has been staying with me for that last few days

While my Mum and sister are away

He has noticed the binging and purging

And mentions it sometimes

A lot of the time 

I am not even aware of it

I'm on auto pilot 

Matching from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over and over again

It's constant

Non stop

And it's exhausting

Soul destroying

Relentless

I hate it so much

And yet I can't stop

Breda tell me that I have been referred back to Mary

Although I haven't heard anything yet

I don't know if I mentioned it

But Mary has been reinstated to her job of ED therapist 

Which is just awesome!

So hopefully I will hear from her soon

As I really need the extra support right now 

I turn 34 this year

That means I've clocked up 16 years in the midst of this illness

Almost half my life

And my self worth has been intrinsically linked to my appearance and weight in all that time

It's not that I want to go back to being underweight

I really don't want to go back down that road

Where I was sick and miserable and emaciated

Been there 

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

I want to be healthy

I was to be strong and fit and able

I want to look like my age

But I also want to feel good in my own skin

I want to be able to walk down the street and not burst in to tears when I catch my reflection in a window

I want to be able to look in the mirror and think

Hey, you look ok

I want to be confident when someone takes out a camera to take a photo

And I want to look at that photo and not want to die inside

I just want to be ok to be me

And to look like me

You know?

So yes

I'm about 5 pounds heavier than I would like to be

Not a huge amount

But enough to make me feel quite uncomfortable 

I'm not going on a diet 

Or anything like it

But I am going to be mindful of what I am eating

And try to make healthy choices

On the other hand

I guess I could try to accept these 5 pounds

I could try to love them the way I'm trying to love the rest of me

I am still in the lower range of healthy

So maybe I can afford to carry 5 extra pounds

And maybe I will lose them as quickly as I gained them

 

And anyway

Us ladies are under a lot of pressure to be thin

And to look perfect

Imperfection just isn't tolerated 

Ads on tv are all about trying to make us feel inadequate 

So we will buy that anti ageing cream

Or that lash volumizing mascara

The advertisers like to keep us in a state of insecurity 

So we will buy whatever it is they are selling

And the thing is

The people who love us

Will love us no matter what we look like

No matter what dress size we are 

And no matter what we weigh

I know i don't judge people by how they look 

So why do I think others judge me?

Today I will accept the extra five pounds that clings to my body

I will hold my head up high

And walk with confidence

I will do my best to love myself

And to be kind to myself

God knows I've hated myself for long enough

It's time to call a truce on my body

It's time to let bygones be bygones

To forgive and move on

To let go of all that hate that I've held on to for so long 

And to rock

And make the most of what I've got

Are you with me ladies?

For today

Just for today

Let's stop hating and bullying ourselves 

Let's be ourselves

And feel beautiful in our own skin 

I'm tired of hating on myself 

Are you?