Saturday

Another day 

Another meeting 

Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday 

Just for a change

And I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to know

I moved to this area 10 years ago this summer

And started going to meetings pretty much straight away

Mostly NA

But there were only two a week back then

Now there's one most days

Back then there was very few women at the meetings

Do I used to hang around with the men

There were two men in particular that I was very close to

They were in their fifties 

But I got on great with them

One especially became a family friend 

And was a great support to my mother also

Over time o drifted away from the meetings

And over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly

So I picked Marie up at about 7pm

And we headed in to town

We arrived a few minutes late 

And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairs

I recognised a couple of faces straight away

And whispered hello

It was only when I looked around

That I realised that it was all males

I suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meeting

I was going to ask 

But I figured someone would have said if it was

I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends with

His name is Damien

Back in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time together

It was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexia

I remember Damien calling up to me every evening

He would bring the paper

And we would do the crossword

We were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettes

Him pushing me in my wheelchair

And me in my fleecy pyjamas and hat and scarf 

Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bones

He was a great friend

But again

We drifted apart

I was slipping and sliding

And he moved on

It was so good to see him last night

We had a big hug

And a quick catch up after the meeting

He asked about my mum

And the dogs

And we laughed about old times

It did my soul good

It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellas

And they were young guys too

I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speak

But I did it 

I shared about where I am at

And how I'm trying to get back on track

There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years 

When he was sharing

He said it was really good to see me

He said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and me

I could feel the anxiety in me rising

I remember that meeting

I shared something with him that I really regret

I won't go in to what I said 

But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable position

I had hoped this guy had forgotten about it 

But he obviously hasn't

It made me feel super uncomfortable

 

Apart from that

It was a great meeting

I really got a lot out of it

It was so lovely to see some familiar faces

And so good to the amazing recovery that people have

I want that 

I want to be well so badly now

They say in meetings

That the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinking

I can honestly say now

 That I have that desire 

And the more meetings I go to

And the more I listen to others share

It confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to do

And I am on the right path

I just feel so blessed

And so very lucky 

To have been given this second chance

And if a relapse was what it took to get me here

Then I can honestly say that it was worth it

They say everything happens for a reason

I subscribe to that way of thinking for sure

At the end of the meeting 

It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean time

One guy had a year

And everyone clapped

Then I was asked how long I was clean

I said three weeks

And everyone clapped and said well done

I know three weeks isnt a long time

But to me it's a first step

I am now a week back at meetings

And I am reaping the benefits in so many ways

My head is a much nicer place to be 

I feel so much more positive

I actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like this

I have no cravings

No urge to drink or use

No desire to contact The Boy

He now seems like a distant memory

I have hope now

Hope that there is life beyond my ED and addiction

Hope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to be

A good person 

A person who does the right thing

Someone you can rely on

And also the social side of meetings is great

I'm meeting so many people

And that is great for me

I was spending so much time on my own

That I forgot how nice it feels to be around people

To chat

To laugh

To identify and relate

To connect

To hug 

You can't beat that feeling 

And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my family

They can see that I am making the effort

And although they might not fully trust me yet

They can relax a little

Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meeting

She really has been such a good friend to me

When a lot of people would have nothing to do with me

She was always there

Never gave up on me 

That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to her

I used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury people

Crazy people

Junkies 

Trouble makers

I now see that it was because like attracts like

I have out those vibes

And so attracted those types of people

But now the opposite seems to be happening

I seem to be attracting good people

Honest people 

And that is amazing 

It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending out

That makes me feel so happy

It's funny 

As quickly as life can go down hill

It can also turn around just as fast

I feel hopeful now

Like I really have a chance to get my life back on track

I have been through a lot in my 33 years

I'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I believe my struggles have a purpose

I'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yet

But I'm sure if I keep doing the right thing

Then more will be revealed 

Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meeting

And I am glad to say that I am looking forward to it

It's a good day today

It good to be alive and kicking

To feel good in myself

Now I just have to work hard to maintain this feeling

I hope I can do it

I think I can 

I really think I can