Thoughts on recovery

I guess it is safe to say that I am in recovery

Or am I?

I think I am

I mean

I want to be

I try to be

I hope to be 

There is no doubt

That I am a million miles away from where I was 18 months ago

I was in such a dark place

My days were either spent in a frenzy of binging and purging

Or silently starving

The binging and purging was relentless 

I shit you not

In the morning 

I'd wake up

Have chocolate for breakfast 

Purge

Go shopping for binge food

Which I may or may not have paid for

Walk my dogs 

No matter how bad things got

I always walked my dogs 

Even if it was a short one when I was very ill

I'd come home

And the binging would commence

Crisps 

Chocolate

Biscuits

Pasta

Bread 

Noodles

Potatoes 

Chicken curry

It just went on and in

I literally couldn't stop

It was terrifying how out of control I was

I can remember my Dad saying to me  in the midst of the madness

'Ruby

Please

Stop'

My family would beg and plead with me

They'd get angry

Sad

Mad

They were at the end of their tether 

And so was I

It was a nightmare

I remember at night when everyone went to bed

I would tear the kitchen apart

Cooking

Making food 

Eating everything in sight

There were often times when I ate all the bread in the house

Leaving nine for anyone else 

If anyone bought biscuits or chocolate

They didn't last five minutes if I was around

I just couldn't help myself 

Couldn't control myself

Not even if I wanted to

I woke up every morning 

Dreading the day ahead

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again

Literally going in circles 

I know that bulimia is often treated like anorexias less deadly sister

But let me tell you

From someone who has lived through both

They are equally as serious 

And anyone who wants to argue that point?

Come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

Even when I went on to treatment last year

I still continued to binge and purge

I purged every meal

Used to raid the biscuit press

And keep a stash of biscuits in my locker

I bought shed loads of chocolate from the canteen

They must have thought I was nuts

And I'm surprised I got away with it at all

I was so sneaky 

Purging any chance I got

I was constantly ducking and diving

Trying to get around staff

Purging was my drug 

And I just couldn't stop

I can remember in all my time intreatnent

I managed only one day purge free

One day

Even with all the support I had

I left treatment weighing less than when I went in

As you know 

In the year since leaving treatment 

Things began to look up 

The incessant binging and purging stopped

And I began to gain some control over my eating

As of now

My weight is stable 

My health has drastically improved

As has my mental health

Don't get me wrong

I still haven't had a purge free day

I purge at least a couple of times a day

But things are the best they've been in a long time

Amen to that

Maybe by medical standards 

I am still unwell

And still very much bulimic

Still eating disordered 

But for me

This is as good as things get

For now

From an addiction point of view

Things are in a similar place

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drugs

But I still struggle to take my meds properly

And have days when I am not even on the planet earth by any stretch of the imagination

But again

Things are as good as they can be

And for now

That is enough

I guess recovery is not destination

It's not an end point

It's a process

It's ongoing

It never ends

There is a saying in AA

That they claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection

I love that

It's about constantly growing

Thriving

Blossoming

Fighting for a better life

Recovery takes time 

Another saying in AA is to give time time

Again

So true

Physical recovery takes months

Psychological recovery can take years

And complete recovery can take a life time

That's the thing with eating disorders

You have the double whammy of physical and mental complications

And it really takes a toll

I don't think I have mentioned weight yet

That's the funny things about EDs

Wright does matter 

But it also doesn't matter 

I guess it doesn't matter if you're weight is considered healthy

And it does matter if you are under weight or obese

And it is having a detrimental effect on your health

I think the whole weight debate is a bit of a mine field

We are told that weight doesn't matter

Yet in treatment it becomes such a big deal

I know that I never took any notice of my weight until doctors and such began weighing me

The number seemed important to them

So it became important to me

Over the years 

I have been every weight between emaciated and healthy

But I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight

That is no lie

I know that I have a lot of work to do

My recovery is a work in progress

I am no poster girl from recovery 

But am always honest about where I am

I don't see any point in sugar coating things

That helps no one

I will continue to fight for a better life

For a better future

For me and my family 

I've had a glimpse of what my life could be life

I've seen how rich and wonderful a healthy life can be

And I want more

I want to live the best life I can 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What do you think constitutes recovery?

Which do you think is harder

Living with an ED

Or recovering from one?

What does recovery mean to you?

I'd love to know.....

Queen Maeve's Trail, Take 2

Last month

I did a post about the walk I did with my mother and sister on this trail

Today I did it again with my brother and his partner

It was slightly different this time

As they are just a bit fitter than my mother and sister

So it was full speed ahead

Afterwards 

We went to Shells cafe for a most welcome cup of tea and a toastie

Instead of me telling you about it

Here are some photos....

The talking scale

Friday is food shopping day in my house

During the week we leave a note pad and pen on the table

So we can write down things that we need 

As you know 

I live with my mum and my sister 

And we all have different things that we like

So our shopping list can be quite eclectic 

We have a kitty

So each week we all contribute

Depending on our own budget

It works well for us 

I think I've said before 

That my sister is an amazing cook

So we've all been eating like queens since she came home last summer

And I have picked up a lot of handy tips from her too

In a Friday morning 

Two out of the the three of us usually go shopping

My sister is doing a cookery course today

So my mum and I went to do the food shopping

Lea and Honey always come too

And we bring them for a run on the beach first 

And then head to the shops

We go to two supermarkets

First we go to Lidl

Lidl is a German shop that sells food a lot cheaper

So we pick up bread and veg and such there

Then we head over to the second supermarket

Which is on the expensive side

But it has all our favourite brands so we always go there

So we were in Lidl this morning

Every week they have a special offer on

And today it seemed to be health products

So they had a blood pressure machine

Various exercise equipment 

Work out clothes

But one specific item caught my eye

A speaking scale no less

When I saw it 

I had to take a closer look

Were my eyes deceiving me?

No

It was in fact a talking scale

The horror of it all washed over me 

I don't think I've ever in all my years weighing seen a talking scale

I can't think of anything worse

Let me explain why

I don't know about you 

But for me

Weighing is a very private and personal thing

I do it only in the privacy of my own bedroom

With the door locked

Preferably in the morning 

When I know there's no one around

The only other people I have let weigh me were doctors and of course Mary

Oh yes

It's very few people that I let weigh me

That number is just so personal 

I know I give the number too much power

But I don't think it's an ED not to let people know your exact weight

I'd say most women

And a lot of men

Like to keep their weight to themselves 

So the thought of a speaking scale?

Oh my God

It doesn't bear thinking about 

A scale that says your weight out loud

For all and sundry to hear?

No thank you very much

It's safe to say that I won't be investing in one of these

While I was in the shop

I noticed quite a lot of interest in the scales

I guess maybe a lot of people hadn't seen one before 

But Jesus H Christ

It's hard enough having to look at the number

Never mind have the thing speak it to you

I can't think of any thing worse

Here it is...

I was wondering

Am I alone in this?

What do you think of the talking scale?

Yay or nay?

Eagles Rock

I live in a valley 

Between two mountains

It's really quite spectacular here

But I guess I am looking at it everyday

So I don't always appreciate it

There is part of the mountain near my house called Eagles Rock

Which is popular with hikers and climbers

On Sunday we went down to check it out

We weren't really prepared to do the full walk

So we just walked a little

And decided we would do it properly next week

When my brother and his girlfriend are here

And we can all do it together

So here are some photos

And by the way 

Please tell me if you think I am too tanned

My family tell me that I am

But I want to continue tanning

So I was wondering what you think

And be brutally honest

I'm a big girl 

I can handle it....

The beautiful ones

 Up until recently 

I was weighing every day

It was always the first thing I did in the morning

Pee

Strip

And stand on the scales 

Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number 

I'd squeeze my eyes shut

And peep through my fingers to see my fate

I have numbers that are acceptable

Numbers that are unacceptable 

Safe numbers

Unsafe numbers

My weight tends to stay within the same five pounds

Tends to be lower in the middle of the month

And higher when I get my period

Just a quick note about periods

I didn't get mine for ten years when I was very ill

It's only in the last few months that my period has come back

Anyway

In recent weeks 

I have stopped weighing so much

As it just drives me nuts

The number on the scales dictates my mood for the whole day 

It really has the power to ruin my day

The number goes  up and I spiral in to black hole of depression

The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria

But in reality

No matter what the number

My ED is never happy 

Never ever 

So I've decided to go by how I feel

And how I look

Rather than what the scale says

And I feel pretty ok

I feel steady and grounded and stable

For the most part

I feel ok in my body

Yes there are things that I would like to change

I would love to be more toned and fit

But being in my body is tolerable 

I can live with it

I've accepted that I will never be a supermodel 

Or one of the beautiful people

You know who they are

They're the ones with shiny silky hair

All tousled and messy like they've just got  out of bed

They have long, lean and tanned limbs

Perfect skin

Trendy clothes

And it all looks utterly effortless 

I on the other hand

Am not beautiful 

I'm average at best

My hair is frizzy

My skin is dry

I try to dress well

But it doesn't always work out the way I want it do

My body is flabby 

And it was even worse before I had a tan

I guess I could be improved 

By a team of stylists and make up artists

Maybe then I could be something approaching pretty

But I don't have the energy, inclination or money to do that

So I just try and make the best of what I have got 

I think the most attractive quality in someone is  confidence

You can have a beautiful face

High fashion clothes 

An expensive hair cut 

But it all means nothing 

If confidence is absent 

I don't have a whole lot of confidence 

In fact 

It's pretty non existent 

I guess I am faking it until I make it

I was wondering about you

How is your confidence? 

Does confidence come easy to you?

Or are you like me and struggle a lot?

What has helped build your confidence?

Tuesday

I saw Breda this morning 

I was dreading having to tell her about what I did last Thursday

I was not looking forward to admitting what I had done

And in the end

I didn't 

I didn't tell her 

I just couldn't find the words

Couldn't stand another person knowing what I have done 

I think I've told enough people

I've spoken about it at meetings

Spoken to friends about it 

My sister 

I really don't think in need to tell everyone  I meet

I will speak to Mary when I see her on Thursday 

As she knows about my shoplifting past

And I won't have to do a whole load of explaining

At first

I thought I would have to hide at home

And avoid going in to town

To avoid the shop where it happened 

And the shop I was caught outside of

And anywhere else where people might know

But I decided against it

And have been going about my business as usual 

I've past the shop itself numerous times

I'm just doing what I usually do

If people know they know

There is nothing I can do about that now

I am undecided about whether to post the letter I wrote

I still have it 

But my gut instinct is not to send it

So I'm not going to

For the moment anyway

Last Thursday really shook me

I've been reliving it ever since

Beating myself up

Putting myself down

Trying to find a way to go back in time and undo it

But of course I can't 

I chose to steal from that shop

So now I have to deal with the consequences

I do acknowledge that it could have been a whole lot worse

I could be sitting in a jail cell right now 

Could have been reported in the local paper

I am eternally grateful to that girl for not calling the cops 

I don't know why she didn't 

But I am so glad she didn't 

As I write last week

All I can do is learn from this

And move on 

I have to let it go

Before I drive myself insane

I have to forgive myself 

And use this as ammunition never to do that again

If nothing but that happens 

At least something came out of all of this

I spoke to Breda about other things 

She asked me if my methadone has been reduced recently

I told her it had been

About a month ago 

She wondered if it will be reduced again soon

I wasn't sure

But to be honest 

I hope not

The less I am on

The more of reality I have to deal with

And I don't want to deal with it

It doesn't make sense really

My reality is not that bad

I live in a nice house 

With nice people

I have an amazingly strong and supportive family around me

I have a small but close circle of friends

I have Honey and Lea who mean so much to me

I have you lovely ladies 

A roof over my head

Food in my fridge

Clothes in my wardrobe

I have a lot more than some people

Abd yet

I still want to escape

Switch off

Opt out

Check off the planet 

And I do so every chance I get

I don't understand it at all

I know that I don't deal with my feelings very well 

And my head isn't always a nice place to be

I think my base level mood 

Is lower than most people

In that my usual mood tends to be on the low side 

I have a perpensity to be negative

My thoughts race

I would never speak to another person the way I talk to myself 

I am horrible to myself

My thoughts run around my head on a loop

And I go from zero to suicidal in seconds 

So the temptation to medicate myself and my feelings is strong 

I know I need to sort out my meds before it is reduced even more

I need to get stable

And to do that I need to cooperate with my doctor and Breda 

It's just so hard to tell them

But I know I have to

I feel like I have made a real mess of things recently

I need to get back on track

Before it all falls down around me 

Because I don't know how much more I can take 

Before I snap 

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Title taken from the popular Boom Town Rats song

In fact I do like Mondays 

It may even be my favourite day of the week

Let me explain

As you know

Monday is doctor day

Which means I've had no meds since Saturday 

As greedy guts addict over here overused on a couple of occasions

Sunday is a long day with no meds

No little sleeps to break up the day

No chance to opt out 

Or check off the planet for a while

By Monday morning

I can feel the withdrawal setting in

I can feel it in my bones

The yawning starts 

Why it always starts with yawning I do not know

There must be a reason 

But I don't know what it is

Then my nose and eyes start to run 

Usually I have my meds before it gets any worse

God forbid would it get any worse

So I made my way in the my doctor today

My usual doctor is away for a couple of weeks

So I got to see Nice Woman Doctor

Who I really like

She calls me in to her room

Big smile on her face

I settle on the seat

She tells me I look well

I balk at hearing this

As I always do

But manners prevail 

And I smile and thank her

She asks me how life is

The first thing that pops in to my head is the incident last Thursday

But I decide that she doesn't need to know that

And I tell her life is good

That I am starting a course in september

She asks me if its good to have my sister home

She knows my sister as she sees her too

I tell her it is 

Which is true

She also asks me if I am still blogging

I tell her I am 

Touched that she remembered 

She carefully writes my scripts

I thank her 

And leave

I go and collect my meds

Then go to meet my mum who is walking the dogs

I get to my car

And take my daily dose

Determined to get back on track

And take them properly

I know I need to get this under control

I have spoken to Mary about it in the past

And she has told my doctor

Who then put me on daily dispensing

That works 

As I have no temptation in the house

So when I have a weak moment

There are no meds to take

But he usually only leaves me on DD for a couple of weeks

And then it's back to normal

Getting weekly dispensing

I know I need to get this under control

Especially if I want to start my course

And stay clean and sober

As right now

I don't really think I can claim I am clean and sober 

Being clean sober means not using mind altering substances 

Living in reality

Living life on life's terms

Not using meds or dugs to escape feelings 

Being compos  mentis 

And I am definitely not doing that

In my defence 

These meds are prescribed

And I am supposed to take them

But in reality I am not supposed to take a double or triple dose

Hell even a single dose is too much sometimes 

It does not a clean and sober life make

I've stopped telling the professionals that I abuse my meds

I don't really see the point anymore

I talk about it at meetings from time to time

But in reality

I don't know if I want to stop

Despite being ok with the way things are

I have taken steps to help myself

Last week I called in to my local dog kennels and groomers

To see if they had any work going for the summer

Disappointingly they couldn't take me on due to high insurance costs

So I tried the pizzeria I used to work in

He said he would ring me if anything came up

And he seemed glad that I called in

So hopefully that will work out

I  think having a bit more structure in my day will help with the addiction side of things

At least I hope it will

Time is going so fast at the moment

The weeks just seem to fly by

As does my life 

If I am not careful 

I will wake up an old woman

And my life will be over 

I guess I need to find a passion

Outside of writing and blogging

I don't have a lot of hobbies

But I am so grateful to have blogging in my life

Three years later and I enjoy it more than ever 

I write every day

It may not always be riveting stuff

But it's part of my daily routine

Blogging has saved my life 

And my sanity over and over again

It's been such a force for good in my life 

I don't know where I would be without it

and you special ladies

So thank you for that

I was wondering about you

How long have you been blogging?

Why did you start?

How does it benefit you?

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Every time I begin to lose my head

Every time I think I am going to crack up

Everytime I think I can't stand being in my own head

Or my own body

I stop

Deep breathes

Gather my thoughts 

And say this prayer

It gives me a couple of seconds to regroup

To collect my thoughts 

And remind myself of these words

I don't know where I would be without my supports 

My family 

My friends 

My meetings 

My higher power 

My dogs 

Mary

My doctor

Breda

You lovely ladies

It's a collective effort

Everyone does their bit to help

I know that I can't do this alone

What helps you get through the day?

The ugly truth

I tried writing a post about something else earlier

But 

In truth 

My thoughts are still consumed with what happened on Thursday 

I still can't quite believe that it happened 

And how close I came to really getting in to trouble with the law

It still feels like a bad dream

Like I'm going to wake up any minute now

But unfortunately 

It did happen

And there's nothing I can do to change that

I had been in hiding since Thursday

Only venturing out to go to my meetings

But today

I decided to bite the bullet

And head in to the town where it happened 

I shit you not

I was so nervous

Every person I passed

I wondered if they knew what I had done 

I was paranoid to the hilt 

Thinking I could hear whispers of 

There she is 

That's her 

That's the girl that was caught shoplifting

But I really wanted to face my demons

And I brought my dogs for their usual hour long walk

I even went in to the shop where the shop owner stopped me

No comments were passed 

But then it was weekend staff that were on

And the only thing the shop assistant said to me was asking me if I'd been away as I had a great colour

I left the shop

And decided to go to the leisure centre to use the sun bed

That meant that I had to walk through the hotel that was right beside the shop where it happened 

I walked quickly

Wanting to get in and out as fast as possible

My heart started to thump when I saw a girl with blonde hair exit the hotel

For a second I was sure it was her

But when I looked closer 

It wasn't her

I breathed a sigh of relief

And continued in to the hotel 

It sucks that I can't go in to that shop anymore

As it was my favourite shop

And I buy things in there quite often

But now I am effectively barred

And that is not a nice feeling

As I wrote yesterday

I had written the shop owner a letter

I haven't sent it in to the shop yet

As I think I am going to re write it

To explain in a bit more detail

As you know 

I have struggled massively with shoplifting over the years

It's tied up in my ED 

First it was food

Then clothes and other items 

In all the years I was doing it

I was never once caught

Up until now that is

I remember being in treatment

And other girls talking about their shoplifting 

I was so glad that I wasn't the only one

As I had come to the conclusion that I was a bad person

Who did bad things

I also remember being at a meeting a long time ago

A woman shared that she had been caught shoplifting the previous day

And was feeling really ashamed

The girl who shared after her told her that it was a blessing in disguise

Because now she would never do that again

It's a lesson hard learned 

I have well and truly learned my lesson

I was shopping today

And sometimes I would skip something in to my bag

Well not today

And never again

I will never forget that feeling of someone tipping me on the back and saying 'Excuse me, did you take something?'

I never want to go through that again

I still don't know the damage I've done

I don't know how many people that girl has told 

I don't know how blackened my name is

I guess time will tell

Even though I feel huge shame about what I did

There was never a question in my mind that I would share this experience with my readers

My blog is all about telling the ugly truth of what it's like to live with an ED and addiction

And everything that goes with that

It was easy writing that post on Thursday

I mean who wants to admit that they were caught stealing?

I didn't go it so it would make for interesting reading 

I didn't do it because I have no money

I did it because part of me is still very unwell

Because my thinking and behaviours can still be very disordered 

I know I have a long way to go

And a lot of work still to do 

I am a flawed individual

Very flawed 

I make mistakes on a daily basis 

I fuck up regularly 

But I know that

Deep down

In my heart

And in my soul 

That I am not a bad person 

And it's not my intention to hurt anyone

I would much rather hurt myself that anyone else

I try to be a good person 

I really do

I love my family and friends to pieces

Am fiercely loyal

And would do anything for them

However sometimes

Against my better judgement 

I do stupid things

Really stupid things

I guess the trick is to learn from these mistakes

Move on

And not spend the rest of my natural life beating myself up

Easier said than done

But it must be done

Or else guilt and shame will fester and eat me up

So that's what I will do 

I will take the learning

And never repeat that mistake again

In fact

It is much easier to be honest

To live an honest life

Being untrue or deceitful is hard work

And you're always looking over your shoulder

Hoping and praying you won't be caught

It's no life really

As I am shown time and time again

I have the most amazing people around me

My family 

My friends

My dogs

And all my beautiful ladies here

Who never fail to rally around when times aw tough

Thank you for that

It means more than you will ever know

Thank you

All my love,

Ruby x

FB

I'm not hugely technically minded

I know enough to get by

But there is awful lot that I don't know

When I first started blogging

It took me quite a while to get used to blogger

A lot of it was trial and error

When I was blogging over on Wordpress

I never quite got used to the dashboard 

And so came back to blogger

To and then she disappeared

Like I always do

As this blog feels like home 

Apart from my blog

I don't really use social media

No Tumblr

No Instagram

No Twitter

Not even Facebook

I do have a FB account

But I think I might have posted twice in my whole life

And I do use it to message people

Or sometimes I have a scroll through my news feed

Sometimes there is something funny or inspiring

But most of the time it's random stuff that people post

I guess I use my blog to let people know what is going on my life

Looking at FB has the power to depress me

Sometimes it seems that everyone is leading this amazing adventure of a life

Photos of everyone dressed up 

Drinks in hand

Smiles on faces

Or photos of their little ones doing something super cute

Couples walking hand in hand on the beach

Someone getting married

Someone else on holiday in Italy

Facebook would have me believe that everyone is living life to the Pepsi Max

A stark reminder that I am not

So that's the main reason I avoid FB

As you know 

I blog everyday

I like to write everyday 

As it helps give my day some structure

I know it's not always riveting stuff

But there is always some little drama playing out

I was wondering about you

Do you use social media?

Which ones do you use and why?

Is there a reason you do/don't use it?

The calm after the storm

Yesterday is over

Thank God that yesterday is over 

It is no longer the day that I was caught shoplifting

I swear it was like a nightmare

I kept waiting to wake

And realise that it was all a bad dream

I often have dreams like that 

That I used

Or drank

Or smoked

And then woke up to sweet relief that it was all a dream

But this wasn't a dream 

It was real 

I made the choice to take that top

And walk out of that shop

I have no excuse

No plausible reason for doing this

I did it because I wanted the top

It was as simple and as stupid as that

I went to two meetings yesterday

The first was an AA meeting

I wasn't going to say anything at the meeting 

But it was a small one so I decided to share

I got very upset while speaking

As the weight of what had happened sat on my shoulders

Everyone was great

Told me not to best myself on

To learn from this and move on

The general consensus was that no one is a saint

And we all have moments of madness and do stupid things 

One of the women even offered me some money to put in a card to give to the shop owner

It was sweet of her

But I politely declined 

This was my mess to sort out

I returned home

Where my sister said that she needed to talk to me

I thought she had read yesterday's post

And that she knew

So I kind of put my foot in it

Because she hadn't

She had quite a bad reaction to it

First she got angry

And said some horrible things

But then that anger turned into disbelief and sadness

She just couldn't understand why I had done it

Either can I 

I don't blame her though

I seem to fuck up time and time again

I went to another meeting last night

Again it was a small meeting 

So I felt comfortable sharing

Some people there suggested I write a letter of apology

So that's what I did when I got home

I write a short note

Expressing my regret

And asked if there was anything I could do to make amends 

As I am willing to do that 

This shop was not some big chain store

It's a small family run business

Who are probably struggling as it is without the likes of me stealing their goods

So I would really jump at the chance of atonement 

But as bad as yesterday was 

I do realise that it could have been a whole lot worse 

That girl could have called the cops 

In fact I am wondering why she didn't

She was well within her rights to

When we were walking up to the shop

She seemed to calm down a lot

And was asking me question

I said as little as possible

Just apologising when I felt it was appropriate

I am so grateful to that girl for letting me go

I could be sitting in a police cell right now

And that would be an utter disaster 

Imagine if I had had to call my family from a cop station

And tel them that I had been arrested

It doesn't bear thinking about

So I guess the best thing to do

Is to take the learning out of this

And the lesson is well and truly learnt

I won't be be shoplifting again 

And if that is the only positive to come out of this 

Then maybe it was a blessing in disguise

What I eat

Contrary to popular belief

People with eating disorders do like food

Speaking only for myself

I love food

I mean really love it

God help the person that comes between me and my food

I tend to go through phases of eating a certain food

I become slightly obsessed with said food

And eat it until I move on to the next obsession

At the moment 

My foods are salt and vinegar Hunky Dory chips

And Nestle Milkybars

I literally eat them all day long

I go through five family size Milkybars a day

And two family size packs of chips

And I would eat more if there was more

But I try on out a limit on it

I don't eat breakfast 

And if I do 

It's a few squares of chocolate

I don't really eat lunch either

Preferring to snack on my favourite foods

I do eat dinner though

I love dinner 

Today I am making beef stew

It's only 11am 

And I am already looking forward to it

I can get slightly obsessed over my dinner too

And like to know way in advance what I am having

So I tend to drive my family nuts 

Asking them what is for dinner like two days in advance 

I don't profess to be the healthiest person in the world

And I am no poster girl for recovery

You are probably wondering how I am not 300 pounds if I eat all that junk food

Well

The simple answer to that

Is that not everything that goes down stays down

Yes

I admit it

I do purge still

In fact it never went away

And I'm not sure if it ever will

As you know up until about a year ago

I was binging and purging up to 20 times a day

It was off the scale 

Yes my bulimia had improved a lot

But I still purge 2-5 times a day

Which by anyone's standards is still a lot 

But for me it's progress

The thing is

I am starting to wonder if this is as good as it gets for me?

Is this recovery?

Am I destined to always have my ED in my life?

Managing it but never quite getting on top of it?

I mean 

I am the best I've been in a long time 

Eating disorder wise

But I know things could be a lot better

The way things are

I have one foot in my ED

And one foot in recovery 

Stuck somewhere in the middle

Not committing to either one

And the other thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to leg go completely of my ED

I mean

I am quite content the way things are

But maybe I am fooling myself 

I don't quite know

I was sharing at a meeting the other day

How my base mood level is lower than average

In that my everyday mood is lower than the average person 

My tendency is to be negative

Think negatively 

I've a tendency to be maudlin and morose 

I'm not a naturally happy or optimistic person 

I'm not happy all the time

I get glimpses of it from time to time

But it is not a constant thing 

So feeling the way I am now is good

For me

I'm seeing Mary tomorrow

So I will talk to her about this 

Although I know what she will say

That full and complete recovery is possible

And that I can live a life without my ED

I'm not convinced 

But I won't rule it out

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What does recovery mean to you?

Do you think that complete recovery is possible?

I'd love to know ....

The Plumber

Some of you noticed that I mentioned a new Boy in my last post

So I guess I better explain

Just so you know

The new boy 

Who from here on in shall be known as The Plumber

Has absolutely nothing to do The Boy

Who is no longer part of my life

As you know

I have a neighbour who I do little jobs for

I'm over in her house a few times a week

A couple of months ago 

She told me about her plumber

And that he was a lovely guy

And very attractive

I hadn't seen him

So I paid little attention to it

But then last week

He was back at my neighbours house

Honey and Lea were out in the garden

Barking their heads off

So I went out to see what the commotion was

It was The Plumber

I apologised to him

And brought the dogs in

He said not to worry

I didn't get a proper look at him

But I did notice that he was tall and well built with dark hair

I went back inside

And didn't give it another thought

The following morning

I was over in my neighbours house

Chatting to my neighbour

She asked me if I had seen The plumber 

I said I'd had a quick look at him

My neighbour had a mischievous look on her face

As she told me that she had done a little investigation work

She proceeded to tell me that she had asked this guy was married

He said he wasn't 

Or if he has a girlfriend 

He hasn't 

He then asked her what was with all the questions

She told him that she was asking for a 'friend'

I was mortified that she had done this

She then told me that The Plumber said to her that he is approachable

What does that mean people????

My neighbour was having a great laugh to herself telling me all of this

She thought herself especially funny when she told me that he might let me 'hold his pliers'

I want to say I was shocked when she said this 

But I wasn't 

She is always up to mischief

I left my neighbours

And headed home

Where I told my mum and sister what had happened

They thought it was hilarious

And got great mileage out of it slagging me off

Telling me that he can 'fix my pipes' and the like ........

Now everytime I put nice clothes on

Or put make up on

They're all 'Is that for the Plumbr?'

I wish I'd kept my mouth shut

Anyway

That's the story behind that

I'm not really looking for love

If it happens

Well and good

But I  happy enough the way things are

I mean I haven't even had a proper look at this guy

I wouldn't be able to pick him out in a line up

I guess it's of my neighbour

But I don't know if she's doing it for her own amuse  

Or if she really is trying to set me up

I am going to be so embarrassed if I see this guy again

As I'm pretty sure he will figure out who my neighbour was talking about

It's been so long since I had a boyfriend

I mean it's almost been a decade since I was in a relationship

I guess I've been too busy trying to kill myself

I forget what it's like to be someone's girlfriend

I was speaking with my sister the other day

She is a seriel monogomoust

Bouncing from relationship to relationship

She tells me that she doesn't like being alone

Where as I don't mind it so much

I mean I can't imagine sharing a bed with someone 

Having to turn off the light when they want to

Having them hog the duvet

I have a double bed

And I like to sleep diagonally across it

So there's not much room for anyone else

I suppose it's been so long since I've shared my life with someone

And you don't miss what you don't have

But I will keep my eye out for The Plumber.....

Today

Wearing: Blue jeans, blue and white hoody, Roxy high tops

Weighing: not weighing any more

Drinking: Hot sweet tea

Eating: Hunky Dory salt and vinegar crisps

Listening to: Aluna George

Going to: See my doctor

Watching: Undercover Boss

Talking about: Recovery and what else I can do to help myself get better

Feeling: Hopeful, optimistic

Taking: Methadone, Prozac, Olanzapibe, Mirtazapine

Wearing: New glasses

Thinking about: A certain boy (Not The Boy)

Going to: Walk my dogs 

Hoping: To get to a meeting later

Loving: Feeling free from the compulsion to use

Worrying about: What my weight is

Letting go of: Anxiety by telling myself that everything is exactly as it should be

Realising that: I am a good person

Afraid that: My life will never amount to anything

Reading: shopaholic to the stars by Sophie Kinsella

Wearing my hair: In a top knot 

Wondering: If I will ever meet someone 

What are you up to today?

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you

Over the last couple of months

My world has got a lot bigger and broader 

Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatment

Feeling afraid

Hopeless

And utterly distraught

Not knowing where to turn

So I chose the only option I had left 

Death

And tried to overdose on my meds

Thankfully I didn't die

Although at the time I was so angry to wake up

Mary intervened when I told her the following week

She really jumped in to action

I saw my doctor and my psychiatrists 

My meds were changed

Olanzapine (anti anxiety) was increased

And another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)

Then it was a waiting game

To see if the change in meds would work

To see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened 

I know it was around April last year 

My mood began to lift

In a really noticeable way

My anxiety lessened

And when I woke up in the morning

I wasn't dreading the day ahead

I can remember standing in the shower on day

And feeling bigger

I stood on the scales

And I had begun to gain weight

At first it was soul destroying 

I couldn't stand myself

But then I began to see the benefits of weight gain

Feeling better

More clear minded

Happier

More energetic

Granted 

My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable 

To about 138 pounds 

It didn't suit me

And I continued to gain weight after I gave up smoking

And then

Suddenly 

Just as quickly as I gained the weight 

I began to lose it again

And my weight is now stable at 117-120 pounds

I can just about live with that

So much has happened in the last year

I got my teeth done

I gave  up smoking 

I had my toes done

I got glasses

But I still felt like something was missing

I wasn't feeling great around Christmas time

And soon after

I relapsed on drugs

That lasted about five weeks

I hurt many people

Including myself

Lost some people for good 

Almost lost my family

It was an horrific time

There was such a horrible atmosphere at home

I had to do something to get back on track

So I went back to meetings

And began seeing an addiction counsellor

And so my cocooned little world began to expand

I had a lot of help

My long suffering family

My best friend Marie

And all the professionals that I see

It is a joint effort

And everyone plays a crucial part

I am now meeting and seeing a lot of people

And this causes me massive anxiety

My confidence has taken such a battering recently 

And my self esteem is on the floor 

I am still trying to like myself

Never mind love myself

And I always presume that people don't like me

My mother and sister tell me that I am paranoid

But I'm not convinced 

I get a notion in my head

That someone doesn't like me

And then I look for evidence to support this

And disregard any evidence that they do like me

I've been seeing this girl around

She is a friend of Marie's

I was convinced that this girl didn't like me

And seeing her was becoming an ordeal

Then one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after me

I was really surprised

And then she sent me a friend request on Facebook

I was even more surprised

It really meant a lot 

Like she was asking me to be her friend

And letting me know that she likes me

It's the little things people

I guess it's because I don't like myself very much

That I can't understand why anyone else would like

I really feel that bad about myself

Yesterday I got a text from another girl 

Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd 

To celebrate a members ten year clean time

Again I was really surprised that I was invited

That it even occurred to this girl to include me 

It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself 

But I do

I've spoken to Mary about this

And she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doing

Then my confidence and self esteem will improve

I sincerely hope it does

Because it's just horrible feeling this way

To be so hyper sensitive

And to hate on myself so much

And the thing is

I think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someone

I get on with most people

And I love meeting new people

And making new friends

But my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendships

I always feel like I say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

And then spend weeks beating myself up about it

I bully myself in a lot of ways

Even here on blogger

I am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single day

The friends that I have made here mean so much to me

Do much more than you will ever know

I truly value and treasure each and everyone of you

And to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again

This is the reason that I used drugs 

And my ED

Because I couldn't stand myself

Because I hated the person I was

Because I felt useless and hopeless

Because I had zero confidence 

And not an iota of self belief 

So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy task

I know have to find new and healthy ways of coping 

By attending meetings

Talking to friends who are in recovery

By being gentle with myself

And bring kind to myself

It's all so new

But I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well

I've had a couple of comments recently

That I look like I am losing weight again

But in fact my weight is more stable than its been in years

I don't think I am losing weight

I think it's just that my weight is settling

And it's only now becoming noticeable 

In spite of the way I am feeling

I will plough on

I'm not about to give up

On you or myself

I have way too much to lose now

I am hoping and praying

That my perception of myself will improve

It sure as hell can't get any worse

Do I will continue to fight 

To fight for a better life

For peace of mind

For a happy mind and body

I'll do it for my family 

For Honey and Lea

Who rely on me so much

And who I refuse to let down 

And for myself 

There is just no other option right now

I was wondering about you

Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?

How did you deal with it?

What helped you find your confidence?

Do you ever experience paranoia? 

What helped you overcome this?

Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard

Should have gone to spec savers.....

And in fact I did

Rewind to Wednesday

I finally made an appointment to get my eyes tested

After much time straining to see things that are far away

Like my teeth

My eyes went without care or attention for most of my 33 years

So during the week

I made my way to spec savers with my sister

And had the long overdue test

As it turned out

I do need glasses 

Long sighted I think they call it

So I was told to go and pick frames

And my glasses would be ready Saturday 

It didn't take me long to pick frames

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a quick shopper

Get in and get out as fast as possible

That's my motto

Anyway

Here they are....

Psych central

I recieved an email last week

From John from the site psych central.com

John informed me that this blog had been chosen as one of the top 10 eating disorder blogs of the year

I was thrilled to get this news

As sometimes I wonder about my blog

And if it's doing any good to help the plight of the eating disordered person

I started writing my blog for me

But I continue to write it for you

I try to write as honestly and as openly as I can

To speak the truth about life with a mental illness

Of course my blog benefits me

And I would write whether one person reads or 1000 people read

But I also write in the hope that my blog helps others

That it contributes to this community

And goes some way to fighting the war against this illness

If you want to check out the top 10 blogs

Here is the link

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/04/26/top-10-eating-disorder-blogs-2015/

Once bitten, twice shy....

As you know

I am back going to meetings

After years of avoiding them

And years of being in and out of the rooms

Meetings are great

There is something magical about gathering together with a group of like minded people

All striving for the same goal

All fighting for sobriety

There are some people in the rooms with fantastic recovery

But unfortunately there are also some very unwell people there too

The thing with NA or AA is that they are completely open

Anyone can walk in

Sit down

Listen to others share

And even share themselves

So there are people from every walk of life

Poor people 

Rich people 

People who are still using or drinking

People who want to get well

People who don't 

People who go to meetings just to get the courts or family off their back

Of course there are people who are there to get well

But some people do have a hidden agenda

It's not uncommon for people to swap phone numbers at meetings

It's good to have a network of people who you can call when times are tough

So recently I have swapped numbers with quite a few people

And thought nothing off

I was a bit wary about giving my number to two men in particular

But they asked

And I am too polite to say no

But boy am I sorry 

These two men are at almost every meeting I go to

And from what I can tell

They live in their own little worlds 

One of the men rings me quite a lot

The first few times I answered

But have now stopped

As when I am talking to him

It's very hard to get away from him

Although I must admit

Sometimes he can be very nice

Like the day he rang me up to let me know that 'someone cares'

And last night he left a message on my voice mail telling me that he 'appreciates me being on the planet' 

And that I contribute to his life

That's all fine and dandy

But he can also be very inappropriate

Like when he asked me about his girlfriend

Who is 53 

And thinks she might pregnant????

Then asking me if it's common to want sex more when you are pregnant 

I mean that is just going too far in my opinion

He seems to have no clue that he is being really inappropriate

This guy is not well

From taking too many drugs

He is extremely paranoid 

And quite clingy

He's a nice guy and all

But he's someone that I don't really want to engage with a lot

Maybe that's mean

But I have to look after myself 

And my sobriety

I know that he has upset a lot of members of AA

And a lot of people don't have any time for him 

So I guess if I stop answering his calls

He will stop ringing me

The other guy who I gave my number too is also a grade A head the ball

At first

He was sending me innocent texts

Just asking how I am and such

I answered 

But did not get in to a conversation with him

Then a couple of days ago

He texted me to say that he was full of guilt and shame after lusting after women

And went on to talk about Internet porn and the like

This is the same guy who accosted me at my first meeting 

And described how he couldn't stop master bating 

I mean hello?

How inappropriate and creepy is that?

Very if you ask me

They say at meetings

That you should stick with the winners

In other words stay around the people who are well

And who have good recovery 

That makes sense

And I do engage with these people

But others who are not recovery orientated are hard to avoid

And me being me

I find it really difficult to be assertive

I was speaking to Breda about this on Tuesday

She gave me some advice on how to deal with these people

And also made the point that I have a warm personality 

And others might think I am an easy target 

And take advantage of me

This also makes sense to me

If I had any sort of a backbone

I would have told these  guys that their behaviour was out of order

 And so inappropriate 

But I just don't have the confidence to do that 

Although I'm going to have to set these guys straight 

And make clear boundaries

Because right now people are walking all over me

And I don't like it

I guess this is something that I can practise

And as my self esteem grows 

Do will my confidence 

And belief in myself

I was wondering about you

Are you confident, assertive and able to stand up for yourself?

What do you think I should do about this situation?

#Break The Stigma

I was contacted by Megan from Northwestern University

Megan and her colleagues launched the Break The Stigma campaign this week

To raise awareness around mental health issues 

And the stigmas attached to them

So this post is about how I break the stigma

I guess I am part of a community of bloggers

That blog honestly and openly about how our mental health issues affect us

In my case it is anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety and addiction

My goal from the start was to tell the truth about what it's really like to live with these conditions

I think stigmas stem from a lack of education around mental health

And people fear what they don't understand 

Depression and suicide are a huge problem in my country

And around the world 

Through my blog

I hope that people will get an insight in to what these issues are really about

That there is no need to be afraid 

Knowledge is power

I hope that through this campaign

And the hard work of advocates all around the world

We can put an end to the negative stigmas that persist

How do you break the stigma?

http://counseling.northwestern.edu/announcing-the-breakthestigma-campaig