New blogs?

As you know 

I love to read

Whether it is a book

A blog

A newspaper 

I love being a part of blogger

To follow the stories of the wonderful ladies here

I don't really use any other social media

I'm not in to Facebook

I don't have Twitter or Instagram

For me

My blog is where I document my life

My thoughts 

My ups and downs

Every little thing that happens in my life is carefully recorded

My memory is not the best these days 

So when I read back in my blog

It's like it all happened to someone else

I follow quite a lot of blogs

And I'm always on the look out for new blogs 

So I'm wondering what are your top 3 blogs?

Have you found any new blogs recently that you would like to share?

Maybe you have just started writing 

And would like to put your blog out there for more people to read?

I always love to find a new and exciting blogs to read 

And I must stress 

The blogs you share don't necessarily have to be about EDs or addiction

They could be about absolutely anything 

As it is more the way it's written that concerns me 

Your blog could be about train spotting 

But if it is written well

Then I will read it 

This is an invite for you to get in touch with your blog 

Or to share someone else's 

A blog you think is funny

Or poignant

Or moving 

Or interesting 

Or so ridiculous that it makes no sense

I want to hear about them all

So do get in touch

I'll look forward to hearing from you....

Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 

My ED was in the background 

It had never fully gone away

But it wasn't the main focus of my life

And it had gone somewhat underground 

I guess because now that I am a healthy weight

People who know no better presume that I am recovered

Fixed 

All better 

When the truth is that I am still struggling 

People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore

And I am too

The thing is 

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick

And I don't want to die anymore 

I really don't

I want to live 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually want to live 

And more than be thin

I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 

I don't eat regular meals and snacks 

I graze through out the day

And if I do eat a meal 

It doesn't stay down

Granted 

I don't binge and purge the way I used to 

It used to be constant

From the minute I woke up 

Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically

I was purging up to 20 times a day 

Every day I promised would be the last 

But then I would get up the next morning

And the whole horrid cycle would start again

It was relentless 

Unforgiving 

A living hell

But just as quickly as it started 

It stopped 

Just like that 

Not completely of course

I still purge

But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 

In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 

I just couldn't go on that way anymore

It was killing me

Killing me slowly 

It came down to a simple choice

It was either recover 

Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 

And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 

It's funny how when things go belly up

We go back to the things that comfort us

That quell the anxiety 

And ease the pain 

My mental and physical health have suffered recently

I have been to a meeting in two weeks 

My ED has been back in the driving seat

And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape

I feel hurt and used 

And I feel let down by people who should know better

But that's life I guess

There are bad people out there 

I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning

And a weight calculator popped up

It was one where you enter your gender

Your age 

and your height 

And it tells you the healthy weight range for you

Being 5'4

It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds

I'm in the lower range of this range

And I was glad about that 

But I have to say 

That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to

I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number

But now 

I feel very little 

As long as my clothes fit me 

And I feel ok 

I am good 

But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 

I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September

I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course

But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 

Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it

So I have the letters 

And I have accepted my place on the course 

I just don't know if I'm ready

I mean 

In a lot of ways it would be good for me

Getting out 

Getting an education

Meeting new people 

But another part

The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 

Wants to stay home 

Watch tv

And drift in and out of sleep 

Because even though I am loathe to admit it

That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys

I know I can't go on like this forever 

And it's no way to live 

But it's comfortable 

It keeps me nicely numb 

I don't have to worry about anything 

And the truth is 

That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 

More bearable 

And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs

I don't have to worry about money 

Or where I'm going to stay 

Or how I'm going to get the drug

It's all written down on a script

That is given to a pharmacist 

And then handed to me over a counter

I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 

That this is the case 

Even when I don't misuse my meds

When I take them as prescribed

I am still on the nod 

Still sedated 

And sleepy 

And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here

I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me

Or I can stand up and fight

I'm just so very tired of fighting 

So tired of having to pick myself up 

Again and again 

But I will

It's not my style to give up 

So I won't 

And that's a promise 

Sick

Apologies 

Just a quick post today

I've been up since the early hours with s funny tummy

Think I might have a bug

So back to bed for me 

And plenty of fluids

Hopefully normal service will resume tomorrow

The aftermath

I I'm trying to move on after the whole date debacle 

And also my 'friend'

I'm wondering what is wrong with me

Why people think it's ok to treat me this way

I can't decide what to do about my friend

She texted this morning

Asking me to call in to her 

I haven't replied yet 

It's like sometimes she the nicest person 

And then other times she is just down right rude

I know she wants to be friends with me

But as we've got closer

I see another side to her

One that I don't like

My food has suffered through all of this

I've been so anxious and on edge the last couple of weeks

That eating properly has been last on my list 

When I'm anxious

I literally can't eat

It's been noticed by family members 

My weight too

I don't know if I've lost 

As I have no battery for my scale

And keep forgetting to get one

But my clothes feel a little looser

God forgive me for enjoying that

This would be the perfect excuse to jump head first back in to my ED or addiction

To hit that big self destruct button that has been gathering dust the last few months

I'm not going to lie to you

I over used my meds today

Just to check off the planet for a while

To escape the noise in my head 

And for the sweet release of sleep 

Tomorrow I will get back on track

Tomorrow I will go to a meeting

Tomorrow I will take my meds correctly 

Tomorrow I will meet my friend from treatment

Tomorrow I will start eating properly 

Tomorrow I will start as I mean to go on

Today I just need a day off 

To escape 

To lick my wounds 

And wait for time to heal

I'm not ok

But I will be

Tomorrow...

Let down again.....

So

It's three days later after the whole date debacle

And I'm happy to report that I am well and truly on the mend 

I have built a nice big bridge

And am slowly but surely getting over it

Saturday I was quite distraught

But I can't tell you how glad I am that I stuck to my guns and didn't go along with his 'horny teenager' antics

Oh the relief is just immense 

I just have to keep telling myself 

This was only practise for the real thing

Which I'm sure will happen

All in good time

Through this whole thing

You my little blogger family have been there every step of the way

As well as my Mum and my sister

I couldn't have got through this without you all

And I am so grateful for that 

My 'best friend' has been no where to be seen

Even though she knew I was going on a date

She texted me Saturday

Wanting to know why she hadn't heard from me

I told her about the date 

She seemed more interested in her own stuff

It was then I got the call from The Plumber

So I texted my friend what he had said

I was starting to get really upset

So I decided to ring said friend

No answer

A few minutes later I got a text from her saying that she was hoovering and couldn't answer

What the......?

She texted me yesterday

Didn't mention the date 

I texted her that I wasn't feeling well

'What's that all about?' She texted back

 

I don't know guys 

Am I being overly sensitive?

I don't think so 

I spoke to my Mum about it

She said that if I want to be friends with this girl 

I have to accept that she is the way she is

I'm just not entirely sure I want a friend like this

I'm starting to think that I might be a push over

A door mat 

A people pleaser

Maybe I need to toughen up

Stand up for myself 

Because it seems to be a pattern now that people are walking all over me

And I don't like it 

To be honest

I am more hurt by my friend

The Plumber was just a random guy

Chancing his arm

My friend is a different story 

She should know better

She should know a lot better

I remember reading somewhere once 

That people treat you the way you let them

And I think I've been letting people treat me like shit

This has to stop

And I must stop it

Instead of worrying about people who are not worth worrying about 

I'm going to throw myself head first in to my recovery

I'm going to bang in the meetings

Focus on myself 

And getting stronger

Stick with the winners as they say

It's tough

But I guess we have to be picky about who we choose to have in our lives 

Who we spend time with

Who we tell our secrets to

Who we listen to

Who we confide in 

Because people are human 

They are not infallible 

We make mistakes

We hurt others 

And we get hurt

But I think there comes a point where you have to draw a line and start looking after ourselves

Protect ourselves from these kind of people

I guess it's down to me to decide who I allow in to my life

But I don't live in a big city 

Where I can avoid people if I want to

And make new friends easily

I live in a small town 

Where I am bound to run in to these people at some point

But hey 

I will cross that bridge when I come to it

I also forgot to tell you

When I was in Belfast

My friend texted me and asked me why I wasn't texting her back 

I told her why

She turned the whole thing back on me

And said I had stood her up many times

And that she was always there for me

We were texting back and forth 

I could tell she was pissed 

But I actually ended up apologising to her

How f**ked up is that?

I'm not looking for a whole lot of friends

I don't care how many Facebook friends I have

I just want a couple of people who I can trust and rely on

In actual fact 

I do have that

I have my friend from treatment who is a true friend

And my other friend Paul 

Who I've known since I moved here

Interestingly 

They are both a lot older than me

I think I tend to get on better with older people 

So at least I know that 

For now 

I will tend to my wounds 

And let myself heal

As they say

Once bitten 

Twice shy

And I've been bitten more than one person should 

Over before it even started

So yesterday was tough

During the day 

I took some time to recover from the stress of the whole date situation 

I called over to my neighbour

I thought she would be interested to hear about the date 

Seeing as she had a hand in getting us together

Her reaction was very strange

At first when I told her 

She seemed really confused

Like she didn't know what to say

Then she asked me if I was sure he didn't have a girlfriend hidden away somewhere

And quickly changed the subject

I left

Feeling like something felt fishy about the whole situation

Then last night he rang 

I missed the call

And rang him back about 40 minutes later

Straight off he said that he'd had a nice time the night before 

But didn't want to take things further

I didn't know what to say

So I said I felt the same way too

And that it would probably be best if we stayed friends

I got off the phone

Feeling a little  shell shocked

The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't go along with him the night before

Thank God I stuck to my guns and out a stop to it

As I am now thinking that he was only after one thing

And that he possibly still has a girlfriend 

Even though I wasn't sure if I liked him or not

I still felt hurt and rejected 

I had told everyone that the date went well

And I just felt so stupid and used

Of course it's his perogative whether he likes me or not

But the reaction of my neighbour

And him pouncing on me

It just doesn't add up

I won't lie

I almost fell apart last night

I shed a few tears 

Spoke to my mother and my sister 

The general consensus was that he wasn't worth my tears

But I still felt stung

I mean

I can't stress how much of a big deal it was for me to go on this date

I was so anxious that I hadn't eaten for two and a half days

The whole thing has just left a bad taste in my mouth

I went to bed early last night

And wine in the early hours with trapped wind 

I was so uncomfortable 

I kept having to go to the bathroom

It finally disapated this morning 

Over all I feel better this morning 

Last night I felt like such a failure

Such a freak

That no one could like or love me

I went from zero to suicidal very quickly 

I also craved drugs like nobodies business 

Anything just to get away from these horrible feelings

So that's it

It's over before it even started

It's left me feeling confused and rejecrted 

And pretty sure that he still has a girlfriend 

I'm just sorry that he picked me to use 

As I really don't have the emotional strength for this kind of thing

This morning I feel a little better

Determined to pick myself up and move on

I've decided to throw myself in to my recovery 

And improving myself 

So that the next time this happens 

I will be in a better position to deal with it

My first date hasn't been a great experience

But then he didn't know that 

As ever

I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going 

It's just hard to stay positive all the time

It's hard to stay together

But I will 

What other choice do I have?

Truth is stranger than fiction

So

It's the morning after the night before 

You guys

I actually went!

I can't quite believe it!

On my gosh

Yesterday was tough

My anxiety was through the freakin' roof

I walked the dogs in the morning

Went in to town in the afternoon

Saw Mary at 2pm

Told her about my date

She was super excited for me

Which was nice

She told me it was completely natural to be nervous 

But I was anxious to the point where I was hoping he wouldn't call

I was actually praying that he didn't like me

And because I was going out 

I didn't want to take my meds

And risk being all sleepy and dopey

So I was on high alert all day

I got home from town at about 4 30pm

I was so keyed up that I couldn't eat a thing

Then I realised that I couldn't remember if we said I was going to text him

Or if he was going to text me

So I agonised over that for a couple of hours

My sister was away

So I only had my Mum here for support

But she was great 

And helped me every step of the way

I decided to wait for him to text

And he did

At about 6 30pm

Hey you want to go to cinema at 8 15pm or 11pm?

Part of me was glad he texted 

Part of me wasn't

I texted back

8 15pm I guess, if that suits you?

A few minutes later he rang 

And we arranged to meet outside the cinema 

I said I would give him a ring when I got there

All too soon it was time to get ready

To save on time and stress 

I had already picked out what I was going to wear

Blue sleeveless shirt

Blue ripped jeans 

My Roxy sneakers 

And black leather jacket

Casual

But smart

I straightened my hair

And wore minimal make up

Before I knew it

It was time to go

But I had one dilemma

I was meeting him there

And I wasn't 100% sure what he looked like

So I had to come up with a strategy

I decided to arrive early

As I was to ring him when I arrived

My plan was to wait just inside the door

And be on my phone when he came in

So he would have to come up to me and say my name 

I could imagine myself wandering up to single men saying

Are you The Plumber?

Are you The Plumber?

The hardest part was actually getting from my front door to the car

I really didn't want to go

But all I could think was that it would all be over in a few hours 

And I would kick myself if I didn't go

So I said goodbye to my Mum

My dogs were sound asleep

Completely oblivious that their Mama was going on a date 

For a moment I wished I could swap places with one of them 

But

I got my shit together

Grabbed my car keys

And headed out in to the big bad world of dating

Once I got in my car 

I was surprisingly calm

I was thinking about the most bizarre things

My head really was in a strange place

I arrived about 8 10pm

Positioned myself just inside the cinema door 

Took out my phone

And pretended that I was sending some very important texts

I rang him

Told him where I was

And waited

You know the way when you speak to someone on the phone first

You kind of build up a picture of them in your head?

Well I had an image of what he looked like

I knew he was tall

But apart from that I had no clue what he looked like

I looked up from my phone

And saw a white van with blacked out windows 

I suspected that was him

So I went back to my phone

I could sense him approaching 

I braced myself 

Hello Ruby?

Yea hey?

We headed in to the cinema

Got our tickets 

He paid which was nice

He got a drink

I just couldn't stomach anything 

We headed in

We were the only people there 

In the whole cinema

We took our seats 

And I took of my jacket as I was starting to sweat

Surprisingly 

Conversation flowed

We chatted easily

Laughed at the fact that we had the whole cinema to ourselves

And bonus

He was really cute

Talk

Broad 

Nice smile

Kind eye

Things were looking up...

The film started

As I said in previous posts

I was not thrilled about going to see Amy

But I had kind of prepared myself to be disconnected

So I wouldn't get upset

The documentary was great though

So much amazing footage

But it was so very sad

At times I had to remind myself that this was really her life

And not fiction

I just find the whole thing incredibly upsetting

I followed her career

Watched her rise to fame 

And her spectacular downfall

To be honest

I was glad when it was over

We both stretched 

And got up from our seats 

We headed outside

I was kind of afraid he would suggest going for a drink

But he didn't

Do you want to come back to mine for tea or are you heading home?

I decided what the hell?

I could go for an innocent cup of tea

So I followed him in my car back to his house

He lives on his own 

And has a really lovely house

Typical blokes house

Sparse and bare

With a huge f**k off tv

And various computer consoles 

He turned on the tv

Made tea 

And settled on the couch

Again 

Conversation came pretty easily 

I felt relaxed 

Even when he turned off the main light and switched on a low lamp

I managed to stay cool

We were watching a show about a hypnotist

Which was good as it was funny

As soon as it was over

You guys!!!

He totally jumped my bones!

I swear I didn't even see it coming!

One minute we were just sitting there

The next he had pounced on me!

I felt like I'd been hit by Mike Tyson

Holy shit I really wasn't expecting that

I went along with it

Up to a certain point

When i started to feel uncomfortable I kind off pushed him off

And put a stop to his wandering hands

I mean he was going from zero to 60 very freakin' quickly

Go easy I said

Calm down a bit

He got the message and backed off 

I was honest

I said I hadn't done this in a long time 

So he really needed to pace himself 

He got the message

And I was glad 

I just can't even go there in my mind 

And I was a bit annoyed that he had put me in that position

I mean maybe this is what happens 

Maybe I am being naive thinking that good old fashioned manners are still practised

I really don't know

I decided to head home

And said so

He leaned in again

I gave a little 

A very little

And pushed him off again

By now he had definitely got the message

I put on my jacket

And managed to nearly fall flat on my face as my foot caught in the strap of my bag

Ha!

Typical me

Graceful to the bitter end 

Needless to say

Things were a bit awkward after that 

I tyres to compose myself 

And stood up to leave

I walked over to the double doors to leave the living room

But the door wouldn't open 

I was pulling it and pushing it but it wouldn't budge

Eh it's the other door 

Don't worry I haven't locked  you in

I  thought that was funny

And laughed

Oh I almost forgot

In between everything he told me that he was single

Get this

Only the last couple of weeks!

I was really surprised to hear this

As it's been more than that since he asked my neighbour about me

Red flags flying up all over the shop 

I made my way to the front door 

He leaned in again

Said he would text tomorrow

And I left

Oh my goodness 

I was glad to get back to the safety of my little car

I started the engine and made for home

Trying to process everything that had happened

I had to smile as I though back on the night

I'm not sure if I like him or not

I mean

He's definitely good looking

But I worried that he thought of me as a one night stand

As that was really the last thing I was looking for

I arrived home

My Mum had waited up 

I told her all about it

Omitting the fact that I had been pounced on

She told me that she had been half expecting me to arrive home early

Or not go through with it at all

It would have been easy to cancel 

But I don't get dates that often

And I really wanted to get out there in the big bad world

Really live

Really push my boundaries

And I sure as hell did that

My sister texted me

And I filled her in

She thought it was hilarious

And I guess it was kind of funny

Men are strange creatures for sure

I was all wound up when I got home 

And tried to relax with a cup of tea

But my mind just kept playing the nights events over in my head again and again

I went to bed 

Read for a while

And eventually drifted off to sleep 

So now it's morning

And I find myself hoping that he will text

Just to know that someone likes me would be enough

I mean he must have been attracted to me or he wouldn't have jumped me right?

Unless he was just looking for one thing

And I truly hope he wasn't

That is just not my style

And he's going to have to suck that up

I have no idea where this will lead 

I mean I'd like to see him again

I think 

But again

I'm expecting nothing

And not getting my hopes up

Gosh this past few days have been stressful

At least now I can relax today

Take my meds 

And have a day off

During the film I did wonder what he would make of me having the same issues as Amy

He strikes me as being really good, decent and clean

But I'm also glad I didn't tell him any of my past

That would have been way too heavy

But still

It's a worry 

I am just glad that I actually went on the date 

And that I made it out alive

It will be interesting to see if he texts or rings

Iive in hope.....

Also 

Thank you do very much for your support through all of this 

You guys have been a tower of strength

And I know I couldn't have done it without you

You are all shining stars 

Love you all to bits and pieces 

Amy, Amy, Amy.....

So 

When I last left you 

I was just home from Belfast 

I took yesterday off

And only left the house to walk the dogs

And do a bit of food shopping 

I had last heard from The Plumber on Sunday

And he said he would contact me when I was home

For some reason 

I had a feeling that he wouldn't though

And I didn't get my hopes up

I live by the rule never to expect anything from anyone

Because then I am never disappointed

But lo and behold

Last night he texted

Did you get a chance to see what's on in the cinema?

Ok

Deep breathes

Try and behave like a normal human being 

Hey yea I did, is there anything you'd like to see?

Then instead of texting back

He rang!

I turned the sound off the tv

Try to stay calm

And answered the phone

Hello?

Hello Ruby?

Hey how are you?

Good, you?

Yea good 

Was wondering if there is anything you'd like to see in the cinema?

What about Jurassic World?

I was thinking of seeing Amy, would you be interested?

Oh yea I would like to see that, do you know what time it's on at?

I'll check and get back to you

Ok talk soon

Bye

Amy is the documentary about Amy Winehouse

To be honest 

I was deliberately avoiding seeing this movie

As I though it would be too upsetting

I'm a huge Amy fan

And love her music

But I found watching her demise so very hard

And the fact that she had similar problems to me just makes it all the more difficult

But I will go

I was actually surprised that he wanted to see this movie 

If he likes Amy Winehouse

Then we have something in common straight away

And the other good thing is that he rings when he says he will

I like that

He's reliable 

So the plan is to go to the cinema tonight

And people I am a bag of nerves

But it's also very exciting 

I feel like a teenager again!

How I wish you all could come to my house and help me get ready

We would have such fun

And it would definitely help my nerves

 But again

I'm going to have no expectations 

I'll just go with an open mind 

And an open heart

And see how it goes  

At least we will have something to talk about 

What with going to see Amy

But the other thing is

That I'm not 100% sure what he looks like

I mean 

I have seen him

From a distance 

But I don't know if I could pick him out in a line up

So that will be interesting

Again

I don't want to get my hopes up

But I do hope he's a nice kind guy

I hope we can talk easily

And I hope he's a good and decent person

I'm not terribly fussed about looks

Obviously I either will or won't be attracted to him

But I'm more concerned with his personality 

So now I have the whole day to wait 

I'm seeing Mary later 

And have to go in to town 

So plenty to keep me occupied in the mean time

I have my outfit picked out 

Which I will show you later 

And of course as ever

I will keep you posted....

Belfast Part 2

 Our second day in Belfast started early

We had our breakfast in the hotel

Which was a novelty for me

As I rarely eat breakfast

Then we drove down to the Titanic Centre

It was really an amazing place

So much information

So much to do and see
I have been fascinated by the Titanic for as long as I can remember

At the start they took our photo

And said we could collect it at the end

Which we did

You can see all three photos below 

After that

We had something to eat

And I bought a t-shirt in the Titanic shop

My nephew bough a hat

After that 

We went and did a tour of the Nomadic ship

Which was right beside the Titanic Centre

That was great too

We then dragged out weary bodies back to the hotel

And had a little rest

After that

We had dinner in the hotel 

And went to see Terminator Genisys in the cinema 

My nephews choice of course

Although I slept through most it

I really struggled with sleepiness on the trip

Most days I have at least one nap

But we were so busy in Belfast

I didn't get a chance

So a lot of the time I was fighting sleep

The next morning 

I woke early 

So went down and had breakfast on my own with my book

It was lovely to have some peace and quiet for a while

And have a few minutes to myself 

I just sat and read 

Eating tea and toast

And people watching 

Bliss!

After the rest got up and had breakfast

We decided to do a black cab tour

Which is a car tour of areas of interest

We booked it through the hotel

And we were told it cost €45 for an hour and a half

The tour itself was really interesting 

As you know 

There was a lot of trouble in Northern Ireland up until a few years ago

And up until recently 

It was a no go area

And was considered a dangerous place to be

So it's really great that we can visit there now 

Without fear of any trouble

The tour lasted two hours 

And when we were finished 

He told us that it was €90

We handed over the money without thinking

But then my sister pointed out that we had been told that it was only €45

She questioned the driver

And he told us that it was €45 per hour 

It was a bit disappointing as the hotel had told us it was €45 for the whole thing 

So we just had to suck it up

After the tour

We headed in to town 

And had lunch in Pizza Express

I didn't have anything 

As pizza is a huge fear food

So I went and had a look at the shops 

I saw a nice pair of trousers in Fat Face

So I bought them

And my sister bought a pair of trainers

By then it was evening 

So we decided to hit the road 

It was a three hour drive

But well worth it

Belfast is really a vibrant city

And the people are super friendly and helpful

(Apart from the cab driver than ripped us off)

So a good time was had by all

It's hard to tell if my nephew enjoyed himself

But I think he did

I hope he did 

Here are some photos from the trip.....

Outside the Titanic Centre

Titanic Centre

The Nomadic Ship

The huge Titanic Sign

From the window

Mocktails darling!

Heading Home

Our hotel

The view from Stormant

We are family!

Belfast Part 1

I am away with my parents, my sister and my nephew for a couple of days
We are treating my nephew
As it is his fifteenth birthday
We are in Belfast
Which is in Northern Ireland
So even though technically we are still in the same country
It feels like we are further away

Yesterday
We went and booked our tickets for the Titanic Centre
Then headed in to town for dinner
As this is a trip for my nephew
He is calling the shots on where we go
And he wanted to go to Nandos
So that's where we went
It was my first experience of Nandos
For those of you that don't know
Nandos is a chain of Portugese/African chicken shops
They serve chicken in varying degrees of spiciness and hotness
The ordering system was not good
As we had to order at the till
And there were endless amounts of option
How and ever
We managed to get it done
But the food
Oh my God the food was nothing short of gross
Never again will I enter Nandos
And yes
I did purge
We were all wrecked after eating
So headed back to the hotel
For an early night
I awoke at 6am
And had tea and white chocolate

Today
We got up early
Had breakfast
And headed over to the Titanic Centre
Where we spent a few hours
I took photos which I will post on my next post
When I have more time

Tonight we are going for dinner
Then heading to the cinema to see Terminator Genesis
My nephews choice of course

I have so much more to write about
Including an update on the whole friend situation
So I will post properly when I get home

See you on the next post.......

Update

You guys!!!

Guess what?

He rang!!!

He actually rang!!

Hold on 

Rewind a little bit 

 I was reading all your comments

And most of them were saying how I should text him back

Be casual but confident

And be a strong independent woman

Bite the bullet

Put myself out there 

I had decided not to text him until I got back from my trip on Wednesday 

My family and I are taking my nephew away for a couple of days for his fifteenth birthday

And I was glad of the distraction

But then earlier on

I just all of a sudden found some courage and sent him the following text

Hey, just wondering if you still want to meet up, I'm away until Wednesday but can meet up after that if you're still up for it?

I sent it 

And threw the phone away

I honestly wasn't expecting an answer 

I was doing it more just so I could say that I tried 

And would then be able to let it go

I went to make a cup of tea 

And when I picked my phone up again

There was a missed call from an unknown number

I started wondering who it was

And then

A couple of minutes later

My phone rang again

And it was him!

I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm

I answered after a few rings

Hello

Hello is that Ruby

Yes this is her

Oh hey this is The Plumber

Can you talk?

Yea sure I can talk

I'm just packing here as we are heading away tomorrow

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you the other night

I wasn't too gone on the whole cafe idea

You sure you wouldn't like to go to the cinema?

Oh yea I would like to go if you'd still like to. Is there anything you'd like to see ?

Sure we'll have a look during the week

Ok well why don't you give me a ring Wednesday or Thursday and we'll go from there

Ok sound I'll speak to you then

See you later

Bye 

Thankfully it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be

I was actually calm

And he seemed kind but confident 

Yikes I can believe it actually happened

I had seriously written this one off!

So now I have a couple of days to psych myself up

Choose an outfit

Make myself as pretty and presentable as possible

But you know what?

I'm not going to take this too seriously

I'm going to have fun

And enjoy it

And not read too much in to it what ever happens happens

And I can chalk it up to experience

Again

Thank you for all your valuable support

It was really down to you guys that I mustered the courage to text him

It never ceases to amaze me

The amazing live and support that is here in our little corner of blogger

I'm away tomorrow for a couple of days 

And probably my won't get to blog

As well be in Northern Ireland

But I promise to update as soon as I can 

Until then....

To quote Charlotte.....

It's a day a half later

And still radio silence

I'm 33 freakin' years old

I don't have time to play games!

To quote Charlotte from Sex and the city

'Where is he already?'

But seriously folks 

It doesn't look like he's going to text back

I think this ship may have sailed

I can either suck it up

And move on to the next available tradesman 

Or bite the bullet

And text him myself 

Either option is not very appealing 

I have a draft of a text written 

I've been so close to sending it

But something keeps stopping me

So I am going with my gut feeling 

And holding back 

I just can't figure out what happened 

I mean 

We were texting back and forth 

And as soon as I mentioned going for coffee

It's like he seized up and froze

Or maybe he thought

'F**ck this for a game of soldiers, I'm out!'

Maybe I was too interested

Or not interested enough

Maybe he's seeing other girls

Maybe he's afraid of enclosed spaces that serve coffee

Maybe he's allergic to coffee

Maybe there's been a plumbing emergency 

And him and all his plumber friends have been called away on an extremely important job

The possibilities are endless

I mean

I don't even care where we go now

We could go bird watching

Or train spotting 

Or hang gliding

In really not fussy anymore 

You know

It really wasn't easy for me to put myself out there 

And actually show interest in this guy

For the past decade

My addiction and ED have been holding me hostage

And boys were the very last thing on my mind

I was in a kind of anorexia enforced celibacy 

And I was fine with that 

I mean you don't miss what you don't have right?

So to actually engage with a member of the opposite sex is a monumental step for me

(I almost wrote a member of the opposite species, but last time I checked men were still the same species as us ladies right?)

I don't know girlies 

I am at a loss 

Maybe I should just cut my losses

Or just text him

I haven't decided yet 

Thank you for all your support at this difficult yet exciting time

It means the world 

You seem to be divided between texting him back it not

With just a little more suggesting that I text him back 

I guess I will see how today pans out 

And whatever happens

I will as ever keep you posted....

The plot thickens....

So

When I last left you

The Plumber had texted me on Thursday night saying that he would contact me yesterday

And he did 

He texted last night with a simple 

How are you?

I Immediately went to consult with my sister and Mother

And after some discussion

I texted back 

Hey I'm good, how you?

Exciting stuff so far!

While we waited for his response

I chatted with my Mum and sister

They think he sounds like he is quite shy

And my sister urged me to bite the bullet and ask him out

Then my phone pinged a message

So do you want to meet up?

You can imagine the scene

Me and my Mum and sister

All on the couch 

Squealing as the texts went back and forth 

We had been watching a film

But my sister said that this drama was much better 

So I texted back

Yea sure, what do you suggest?

Then we were all thinking about what would be a good first date

I have to admit

I've never been on a date as such 

Yes, I've gone out with boys 

But this felt different

Like an actual, proper, grown up date 

Phone pings again

Maybe cinema or something, what you think?

My Mum didn't think the cinema was a good idea

She said it was too much of a 'commitment' 

My sister suggested just going for a coffee

And i liked that idea

As there was no pressure

It could be as long or as short as we wanted

So I texted back

What about going for tea or coffee? Is there anywhere you'd like to go?

I was gently trying steer him away from the whole cinema idea

He texted back

And this is where things started to head south

I can't think of anywhere but I can make you a coffee, what you think?

I laughed when I read this

As I thought he was being smart

But my Mum and sister thought it sounded like he didn't really do coffee 

I texted back

What about 'local coffee shop' for tea/coffee and see how we go from there?

I waited for a response

And waited

But nothing 

I haven't heard from him since

This is really disappointing 

I could give him the benefit of the doubt

Maybe he ran out of credit

Maybe he had to go on an emergency plumbing job

Maybe he lost the power of his hands and couldn't text

I live in hope...

 But seriously guys 

You know that I don't like head games

Why would he just not text back?

Again

My Mother and sister pointed out that he seems really shy 

And maybe couldn't cope with a face to face date 

So then I was thinking that maybe I should have just agreed to the cinema  in the first place

And have I f**ked it all up now?

I don't know 

My head hurts from thinking about it so much 

Reading over the texts again and again

Trying to figure out what I did wrong 

My sister thinks I should text him again

But all I could think was that it was his turn to text

And I didn't want to seem too keen

You know?

You my lovely little blogger family have been so spot on with advice about this whole thing 

So I am throwing the floor open to you

What am I doing wrong?

Have I done anything wrong?

What should I do now?

Should I text him again?

Or wait for him to get back to me?

I eagerly await your response.....

The plumber and other stories.....

It was yesterday evening 

I was at home

Watching tv

Minding my own business

When my phone pinged a text

I opened it think it might be my friend who I had texted shortly before

I opened my messages 

And saw a number I didn't recognise 

With three simple words

How you Ruby?

My mind went blank for a moment 

As I tried to process the number 

And the words 

I ran through the possibilities in my hand 

My first thought was that it was The Boy

It could be 

He is prone to random texts out of the blue 

I wondered then if it was someone from the meetings 

But the other possibility 

Was that it was the plumber 

After about 15 minutes

I finally worked up the courage to text back

I simply said

Hey, who is this?

I went back to watching my show 

I didn't get my hopes up

Or have any expectations

In reality it could have been anyone

But still

There was still a little piece of me that hoped it was him 

The next few minutes dragged on forever 

I kept checking my phone

Looking for a reply

A clue to who this mystery person was

Finally 

After about ten minutes

My phone pinged again

Same number 

With the words 

'His name' I got your number off your neighbour, you Ruby?

OMG it was him!

It was The Plumber!

Holy shit!

I legged it in to the kitchen 

Where my mum and sister were

They demanded that I read out all the texts so far

Which I did

My sister told me to play it cool

Which I think was good advice

So I sat down to reply

And this is what I wrote

Oh hey, yea this is Ruby, my neighbour told me that she gave you my number, how you?

I tried to be casual but interested

Not too try hard but friendly 

And waited for a reply 

It came a few minutes later 

I'm good, I'll talk to you tomorrow 

I was a bit confused at this 

But decided not to text back 

So the ball is now in his court

As my sister says 

I'll let him take the lead

But seriously people 

I have no idea what I am doing 

This is unchartered territory for me 

I haven't had a boyfriend in years

In a whole decade

I have no idea of the way it works now

And I'm not in to playing games 

I'm not into messing with people's heads

I like people to be honest

And straight forwards

And I try to be too

So what happens now?

That's what I want to know 

I'm taking it from his last text that he is going to contact me today

Probably this evening 

As he will be working during the day 

But honestly 

My self esteem and confidence is not the best at the moment 

And heck

If I don't like or love myself

How can I expect any one else to

I kept saying to my Mum and sister

That when he sees me up close 

He'll soon lose interest

And he'll see what a loser I really am

My sisters advice Is good 

And she knows because she is alwAys dating someone 

She tells me to just be myself 

Maybe go for coffee

See if we like each other 

And take it from there

So that's what I will do 

But if you have any other advice 

Or words of wisdom 

I would really appreciate it

If we were lonely hearts 

It would probably read something like this...

Him: Tall, dark, hard worker, good with pipes

Her: Blonde, shy, GSOH, seeks man that must love dogs

Help!!!

Are we all addicts?

I've written this post maybe twice before

First back in 2012

After I watched the documentary by the same name presented by Cherry Healy

And again in 2013 when I did an updated version

Now it's July 2015 

So I think we are due an update 

To see if we are still hanging on to the same old addictions?

Have we moved on?

Have we acquired new ones?

Where are we on the spectrum that is addiction?

The reason that I am writing this post today

Is that I was listening to the radio this morning

To one of the phone on shows

And one woman had rung in with a problem she was having 

She described how she couldn't stop buying scratch cards

And was spending a huge amount of money on them every week

She felt she was spinning out of control

As she was lying to get husband and children 

And was using money from their joint savings account

So her husband was going to find out sooner or later

This lady was in a lot of distress 

And felt that she was addicted 

She described how she went from shop to shop to feed her addiction

And how it was taking over her life

And ruining her peace of mind

I could relate to this woman so much 

The only thing that was different was the substance

And that's the thing I have found over the years

The essence of addiction is the same

The lying 

The cheating 

The manipulation

The shame

The guilt 

The utter misery

But the substance can vary wildly from person to person

In my case it was alcohol and drugs to begin with

And that morphed in to other addiction over the years

As I always say

It's the same shit

Different substance

I think I was born with an addictive personality

Addiction and mental health issues are rife on my fathers side of the family

And in my own immediate family of six

Four of us have experienced addiction

Thankfully all four of us are in some form of recovery 

Which I am eternally grateful for

The first thing I became addicted to was sugar

I craved it constantly 

I think my food issues started at a very young age

I loved my food 

And I was such an active child that I burned it all off 

Had I not been so active 

I'm pretty sure that I would have had a weight problem

I ate that much

As I grew in to a young teenager 

I started shop lifting 

And that quickly became an addiction too

And has continued to be a problem up until very recently 

Stealing was par for the course when I was in active addiction 

And also featured a lot during my ED

As you know

I was caught shoplifting recently

Thankfully the shop owner decided not to call the cops 

I don't know why 

But she let me go

That whole day was a nightmare 

I kept thinking that I was in a dream

And that I was going to wake up any moment

But I didn't 

It was all very real

The guilt and shame I felt was overwhelming

I was so disappointed in myself

So annoyed that it had come to this

They only saving grace is that I have now stopped shoplifting 

I thank my lucky stars that I wasn't prosecuted

I know it could have turned out a lot different 

I was thinking of sending the shop owner an apology letter

But my gut toms me to leave well enough alone

So I did

Age fourteen

And I smoke weed for the first time

Over the next few years I dabble 

And age 18 I became addicted to heroin

As well as various other prescription meds

The next five years are a blur

Eventually I put the needle down

But I picked up alcohol and pills

As my world began to crumble around me

I knew I had to get clean and sober

I was put on methadone

And that helped me to get stable

Since then I've had many slips and relapses 

But that's part and parcel of recovery

From the age of 14 

I was a heavy smoker

And smoked 30 a day

Spending €100 a week on cigarettes 

I loved smoking 

And if I was rich 

I have no doubt that I would still be smoking 

I didn't give up for health reasons 

I wish I could say that I did

But I gave up because I couldn't afford them

It's as simple as that 

I am now almost one year smoke free

But as is the pattern with me 

When I get one addiction under control

Another one spins out of control

And at the moment 

That is internet shopping 

Over the last year 

I have bought clothes every week 

Mostly on line 

I see something I like

I think my life would be complete if I had that item of clothing 

I order it on line

And basque in the delight that there is a parcel on its way to me

And getting said parcel is such a buzz

Taking it in to the house

And testing it open is such a rush

Better than Christmas

I try the item on

And for those few minutes I am satisfied

I wear the item once 

The novelty wears off

And I am back on the hunt on the Internet for the next item

It's getting out of control though 

Seriously 

My bedroom is bursting at the Sean's with clothes

I shit you not

Other addictions I have are drinking tea

I drink 15 -20 cups of hot sweet tea a day

I am constantly boiling the kettle

And I enjoy every single one of them

I'm drinking air more since I quit smoking 

It's just really comforting to have a piping hot cup of tea

It warms my body and my soul

White chocolate

Another addiction

It has to be Millybar

No other bar will do

Millybar is soft and creamy and it melts in your mouth

I buy five family size bars a day 

And eat every single one of them

They don't always have them in my local shop

So when I see them

I tend to stock up

So today I bought ten

But that won't even last me two days

I just can't get enough of the stuff

Hunky Dorys

These are crisps 

Or chips if you are from the U.S.

It has to be this brand

And it has to be salt and vinegar flavour

I'm ashamed to admit

That I sometimes have these for my breakfast

I buy two family size bags a day

And again 

Stock up when I can 

I swear it's a wonder that I am not obese

What else?

Since I bought my first iPhone last year

I am pretty much addicted to it

It's like another limb

I'm so attached to it

Television

I am such a tv addict

I love to lose myself in a show

It takes me out of my own head

And my own thoughts

It's an escape for me

I watch everything from dramas

To trashy reality tv

I don't discriminate

Meds 

I'm on variety of meds

Including methadone 

Not one but two anti depressants

And a high dose anti anxiety meds

I mean it's a wonder I'm still standing I take so much medication

I am mentally and physically addicted 

And can't imagine life without them

Reading 

I love a good book

I guess this is a very healthy addiction to have 

I read the same books over and over again

There is something so comforting about that

Other addictions include exercise to a certain extent

Purging 

Which is the Bain of my life 

Sleep 

I love to sleep 

And love going to bed at night

I adore that time of the night 

When I get in to bed 

Those few minutes before I fall asleep 

When my body and mind are exhausted 

My head is clear 

Not a care in the works 

And then slip in to the land of nod 

I love it

With all that said

I was wondering about you

What are you addicted to?

Do you have an addictive personality?

How do you deal with your addictions?

Fo they help or hinder your life?

Answers on a postcard please....

The Plumber Update

Do you remember a couple of months ago

I wrote about the whole plumber situation

And how my neighbour was trying to play Cupid 

And set us up together

So she did some digging

Not because I asked her to mind

She took this on all herself

Because even though I have seen him a couple of times from a distance

I don't think I would be able to pick him out in a line up

Anyway

So she found out that he was single

And he told her that he is 'approachable'

I didn't think about it again

Until I was speaking to my neighbour yesterday

When she told me that he asked her for my number!

My neighbours memory is not the best

So she couldn't give me an accurate account of the conversation they had

But she does remember him asking for my digits

Which she promptly gave him

All I could do was laugh when she told me

But part if of me was secretly pleased 

After that

I was alert everytime my phone rang

My anxiety was on full alert

Then last night my phone rang

I checked to see who it was 

But I didn't recognise the number 

Thinking it could be him 

I couldn't bring myself to answer it

And hoped he would leave a message

When the phone stopped ringing 

It pinged that there was a voice mail

I went and got my sister 

And we settled down with cups of tea to listen to the voice mail on speaker phone

I dialled the number

And we both waited with baited breath 

The  phone went to messages

It beeped 

We angled out ears to the phone

And.....

....nothing 

It was like someone had forget to end the call 

And had just left it on

So I could hear them

But they didn't know their phone was still on

We listened for a couple of minutes before the phone went dead

I didn't know if it was him or not

My sister urged me to ring the number back

But I couldn't 

I just didn't have the courage 

So I decided I would text him

I saved his number under the name Plumber

And when I went to text the number

A conversation popped up on my phone

I could see that it was a woman from the meetings 

So I decided to ring the number

And lo and behold 

It was the woman from the meetings

Who had dialled my phone by mistake

What an anticlimax

Anyway

He now has my phone number

So the ball is in his court

I might have to question my neighbour again 

To see if I can find out some more information 

To be honest with you

The thought of a boy/man ringing me is absolutely terrifying 

I mean I am so out of practise

So so rusty 

And my confidence isn't great at the best of times

So I don't know what I am going to do if he rings 

It seems the older I get

The more difficult things like this become

I can remember being in my early twenties 

And talking to boys was not a problem

Confidence wasn't a problem

But now

Well I guess given what I have been through in the last ten years 

My confidence has been knocked out of me

Oh Well

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come it

In the mean time

Do any of you lovely ladies have any dating advice for me?

How do you think I should play this?

All suggestions welcome

I am so damn nervous about this whole thing

Weighing it up

Now that I am weighing again

I'm back in the vicious circle 

Of weigh 

Panic

Cry 

Restrict

Binge 

Purge

Weigh....

I'm literally going around in circles

My homework from Mary two weeks ago

Was to keep a food diary

I have not done it once

I've not even taken out the sheets

Like the veritable ostrich

I have been burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

I really take issue with having to fill in a food diary

You see I am a seriel snacker

I don't really eat set meals

I graze the whole day long

So I would need a book to fill in a weeks worth of food

Plus I don't want to be reminded of how much white chocolate or crisps I have eaten

I actually consider myself very lucky 

Given the amount of junk food I eat

By all rights I should be obese

It's no exaggeration to say that I eat five family size bars of white chocolate every day

And 1-2 family bags of crisps

Seriously

I stick up on the stuff

Buy it in bulk

My local shops know I eat a lot of it

And always have a plentiful supply

I crave white chocolate the way I used to crave heroin

I tell no lie

I'm actually afraid to tot up the amount of calories I eat each day

But I'm willing to bet that it is was over the recommended daily allowance for an adult female

So yes 

To all intents and purposes 

I should be a lot bigger

Given all the crisp I eat 

So even though my weight is higher than is ideally like

I am grateful that it's not any higher

In other news

I haven't been to a meeting in a week

I'm struggling to go at all

All I want to do is sleep

And be on the nod

It's very hard to do anything at all when the other option is to slip in and out of consciousness 

Because we all know how I like to escape reality don't we?

I don't know

I don't know what I am doing anymore

I thought I was doing well

And I was 

I am

Kind of 

Sort of

Most of the time 

There is a saying in AA that they practise spiritual progression

Not spiritual perfection

I like that saying

It makes me feel ok about the fact that I do not doing everything by the book

Because if you are like me 

Then texovery is full of setbacks 

And hurdles

And bumps in the road 

As you all know well 

I have no problem sharing those obstacles with you all

Because I hope it will help someone out there 

To call their addiction or their ED out

To tell on them 

Because our secrets keep us sick

And I try not to have any secrets when it comes to my blog and my recovery

As you all know well

I don't hold back when it comes to writing here

I may even share too much 

But my honesty keeps me accountable

And responsible

And I know I am only as sick as my secrets 

So I try not to keep any

And I urge you to tell your secrets also 

Tell them to someone

Write them down

Confess them to a priest

Tell a friend 

Or a family member

Don't let them fester in your head

Or they will get the better of you

They will keep you sick

Today I will share a secret with you 

When I was away last weekend 

I came very close to stealing a cardigan from a shop

Only I was so afraid of being caught again

I would have done it

In a lot of ways having been caught has been the wake up call that I needed to snap out of that destructive behaviour

And it makes me think twice when I get that urge again

So today I urge you to break your silence

And tell on your secrets 

Even if you don't want to leave your name

You can leave a comment anonymously and share your secret here

I promise you to get it off your chest will be such a relief

Just to tell someone 

To share it with another person

Will stop that secret from taking your peace of mind

I've shared mine

Will you share yours?