Days like these....

I'm not feeling great today

I have this most awful feeling of dread hanging over me 

It's hard to be positive all the time

It's hard to look on the bright side 

I just have this horrible feeling that something terrible is going to happen

Or that  maybe it already has 

As you know

My meds have been increased

And I'm still adjusting to it

The increase in my methadone has been substantial

And has been making me very drowsy

Yesterday for instance

I took my meds as prescribed

And yet by mid afternoon

I was on the nod 

Falling asleep

And generally feeling a bit out of it

I've been so sleepy 

That I felt like I have used something

And it's no different to when I was misusing my meds 

There's other things too

I've cancelled a couple of reflexology appointments recently

And today got a text from the lady  saying that there was no point in continuing 

And to contact her when I felt better

I felt really bad about this

As I feel like I've messed her around 

Even though she sent me a lovely text

And told me to take care of myself 

I still feel really guilty that I have messed that relationship up

I guess I'm feeling like I mess everything up

That I burn bridges 

Mess people around 

And generally royally f**k up everything I do

I spoke to my mother this morning

Told her how I was feeling

She reminded me about what I said in my interview the other day

That slips and relapses are part of recovery

And it doesn't mean failure 

It's just a bump in the road 

She told me to concentrate on one thing at a time

And asked me what do I want to sort out first

My meds are the first thing that come to mind

But I don't know what else I can do there

I mean

I am taking them properly 

It's just that I am on too much now

I guess I could talk to my doctor

Or maybe I just need to wait until I get used to the new dose 

I don't know 

It's days like this that I really struggle 

I haven't been to a meeting

I'm feeling sorry for myself 

And it's on days like this

That I go from zero to suicidal in a matter of minutes

My mother reminded me that I am doing ok

To think of this time last year

When I was really struggling

And that's true

There have been many struggles overcome

But on days like this

It's very hard to see past the negative

The thing is 

That I want to be a good person

I want to do the right thing

My fear is that I  am not ill 

And am in fact a bad person

A selfish person

And I don't want to be

So what to do on a day like this?

I guess recognise that this is a bump

A slip 

It's just how I am feeling today

And feeling fantastic every moment of every day is allowed

Even the most grounded and well adjusted person has a bad day

Everyone has bad days 

And that's ok

It's all part of life

So yes

Acknowledging I'm not ok

Giving myself space and time to feel like this

Without trying to cheer myself up

Or force myself to be happy

Talk to someone 

Talking really does help

Providing your speaking to someone who has your best interests at heart 

Blogging helps me massively 

I know that when I am finished writing this post

I will feel heaps better

And later on when I get get some comments

And I don't feel so alone

That will make my heart swell

And remind me that I have so many people cheering for me

And willing me to do well

I guess on days like this

We take extra care

We are kind to ourselves 

We are gentle with ourselves 

We remind ourselves that it's baby steps we need to take

And that we are in fact, exactly where we should be

So today I will take care

I will walk my dogs 

Write my blog 

Sit in the sun and read my book

Eat properly 

And generally take it easy on myself

Try to at least

With all that said

I was wondering about you

How do you get through days like these?

What helps you?