Back to normal

Monday morning 

And things are getting back to normal

A lot of the visitors left yesterday

Some more are leaving today

And my auntie B is staying until next week

I was so wrecked yesterday

Emotionally and physically

I feel asleep at about 5pm

And slept until midnight

When I woke up

Dragged myself down to bed

And fell asleep for another 8 hours

The whole thing just wiped me out 

The visitors 

The meal

The speech

The having to be sociable for three days straight

It really took it out of me

So back to Monday morning

And doctor day

My own doctor is on holidays

So this morning I saw Nice woman doctor

Who is always very nice

I told her that things were good at the moment

My weight is healthy

My mood is stable

And I generally feel quite good

She did up both my scripts

And as she was doing my tablets

She noticed that I've been on Mirtazapine  on the highest dose for a long time

Mirtazapine is one of the anti depressants that I'm on

I told her that I was reluctant to change anything 

So we left it as it is

She asked me if I am sleeping ok

At this point

I thought about complaining that I couldn't sleep

To see if I could get a few sleepers

But I am trying to be good as far as my meds are concerned

So I told her the truth

That I am sleeping fine

Probably sleeping too much in fact

As she was speaking to me

I eyeballed the weighing scales in the corner of the room

I was so tempted to ask if I could weight myself 

I haven't weighed in a few weeks now

And I am curious as to what weight I am

I got my scales out this morning 

And my sister weighed herself

She is ten stone eight

I think she looks really slim abs petite

And I know I weigh less than her

I am wearing a size 8- 10 (UK)

And all my clothes fit me ok

And I feel ok

I was looking at photos of mums retirement

And also the video of me making the speech

I wouldn't call myself thin anymore

But I can also see that I'm not overweight

I look 

Well

Healthy 

And the fact that I have a tan makes it easier to look at myself

I would love to be more toned though

To feel a bit fitter and tighter

I am curvy now 

My boobs have never been so big

And I actually like them

They are a nice size

I also have a waist

Hips 

And a bum you could eat your dinner off

It's an adjustment getting used to this body

I am so used to being straight up and down

With no boobs, hips or bum

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not 19 anymore

I am a soon to be 35 year old woman

And I have the body of one

I think I coped surprisingly well over the last few days

Usually when we have visitors 

I have frequent and acute anxiety

Over the weekend 

There were 12 people staying here

So wherever I looked

There were people

I can remember a time when I couldn't handle people

I remember a couple of years ago

A lot of relations were staying here

I had to go to bed early

As I just couldn't cope

But now

Dare I say it

I am much more sociable

Much better able to deal with people

And I don't get that agonising anxiety overwhelming me

The only time I became anxious

Was just before my speech 

I felt so nervous that I thought I wouldn't be able to do it

The only reason I did it

Was for Mum

It's the least I could do for her

And now I feel really good that I did it

It's good for me to push outside of my comfort zone

And do things that scare me

It's a confidence builder for sure

Myself and my sister are just so delighted that the whole thing went well

We really were the ones that organised it

And we felt the pressure for everyone to have a good time

And I think they did

So all and all it was a roaring success

God knows our Mum deserved to be spoiled and pampered

She is the kind of person who puts everything and everyone ahead of herself

I have no doubt that If it wasn't for her

That I would still be using

And may even be dead

She has dealt with so much over the year

Her separation from my dad

My addiction and ED

And both my sisters addiction

And mental health issues

My Mum is nothing short of a saint

She is so strong

A lesser person would have crumbled long ago

But she just keeps going

And is an eternal optimist 

My Mym always says

That given what out family have been through

We are not going to badly

I completely agree

Growing up

Our house was a miserable place to be

My father was drinking

My parents fought endlessly

And there was a horrible atmosphere in the house

We never wanted for anything materially 

But our well being was neglected

I remember my best friends that life two doors up

That family didn't have a penny

But the house was such a lovely place to be 

So warm and friendly

So needless to say

I spent a lot of time there

I remember one morning

My father came down to the kitchen with a severe hangover

My Mum gave him a cup of tea

And he threw it in her face

For absolutely no reason

How cruel is that?

Now my father doesn't drink now

In fact none of us do apart from my brother

Now 

Years later

Things are so much more better than they were

Our respective addictions are under control

Mum parents get on do much better than they did when they were together 

We all get on so much better

And that by friends

Is a freakin'revelation

Today

Is a day of rest

To catch up on sleep

Move back in to my room

And generally relax and recouperate 

Now I'm off to have a little nap

Until next time....