'Tell me why I don't like Mondays....'

I do know that it's actually Tuesday

But I'm in Monday mode

As yesterday was a bank holiday

So doctor day was today

The weekend was not great

I I over indulged in my meds during the week

So I was left with two days meds to last me four days

I guess I could have spread them out

But where's the fun in that?

This morning couldn't have come soon enough

Even though we are in August

And the height of the summer

The weather here is woeful

As if it was the middle of winter

The dogs usually wake up between 5am and 6am

So I get up and let them out

And go back to bed for an hour

Before getting up properly at about 7 30am

We headed in to the doctor for 9 10am

Me, my mum and the two dogs 

Mum usually brings the dogs for a walk while I go to the doctor

But it was so wet and wild this morning that no walk was to be had

I arrived at the doctor on time

Checked in at reception

Found a half decent magazine to read

And settled on a seat in the circular waiting 

My favourite thing to do when waiting is to play 'Guess the ailment'

I scan the room 

And try to guess what each person is there for 

There were a few oldies

It's always hard to guess what they are there for 

It could be anything really 

From a sore throat to piles to deep vein thrombosis 

I suspect a lot of them come to the doctors as a social outing

Next

A young guy came in and sat down opposite me

He was wearing a hat with a marajuana leaf on it 

Then his mother came in and sat beside him

She looked none too happy either

I suspected she might have marched him in there because he had a substance misuse problem

Obvious choice

But it was a safe bet

Various other people came in 

And I diagnosed a bad back

Flu 

And a sty in the eye

It kept me busy as I waited to be called

Twenty minutes later 

My name was called

I followed my doctor in to his room

And sat down in my usual seat

He apologised for keeping me waiting 

He explained that he is the deputy coroner

And had a pile of paper work to fill out

I don't think I've mentioned it before 

But after my doctor increased my methadone to 36mls

He promptly reduced it again

Over the period of about a month

To 32mls

I fought it all the way

He wanted to reduce it every week 

To get me back down to where I was

But I am a difficult customer to say the least

So today he asked me how last weeks reduction went

I told him it was ok

He said he wouldn't reduce it this week 

But would next week

I asked him if he would wait until I got back from Turkey 

(Did I mention I'm going to Turkey next month)

He asked me when I was going 

I told him the end of next month

He laughed

And said not a chance

So I compromised 

And suggested reducing it once a month

Which he agreed to

He filled out my script 

I thanked him

And left 

Next stop was the chemist 

It's a short walk from the doctors surgery to the chemist 

But I got thoroughly soaked in the mean time

I arrived in to the building

And my script was now a soggy piece of paper

I handed it in

And sat to wait

My usual pharmacist is on maternity leave

And there is a very nice guy in her place

I wasn't too fond of the woman pharmacist 

But she was efficient

And never made mistakes 

The last two weeks the new pharmacist hasn't given me enough tablets 

And when I was on the way home 

I realised he'd done the same thing this week

What a pain in the....

Anyway

I had one more stop before I could head home

I wanted to pick up a battery for my scale

Which I keep forgetting to do 

So I braved the rain again 

To head to the supermarket 

After wandering go around the shop for a while 

I finally found them by the check out

I chose the right ones

Paid 

And ran back to the car

I was glad to get home

I put the kettle on

Went to the privacy of my bedroom to weigh

I fitted the new battery 

Stripped

And tentatively stood on the scale 

The numbers flashed 

And settled on a number 

I've lost about 3 - 4 pounds since I last weighed 

And I have it in my head that I want to lose 5 more

I know, I know

That is dodgy territory 

And sounds absolutely daft

It's like asking an alcoholic to have one drink

I'm not naive 

I know it's dangerous to try and lose weight

I just feel I look and feel my best when I am 5 pounds lighter than I am now

I have my reasons 

I have a big family do on the 16th

And also my holiday next month

So I want to look and feel my absolute best 

I want to be confident

Wear what I want to wear 

And just feel comfortable in my skin

I mean

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick and underweight 

I'm kind of ok with my body

I am curvy now 

And that look is growing on me

But I would still feel a lot better if I was just that few pounds lighter

I know 

It's hard to put the brakes on when losing weight 

But I feel confident that I can 

Watch this space I guess 

There are other things that I need to work on at the moment

I have not been to a meeting in two weeks

Which is not good 

I want to go back

I really do

But I feel like such a hypocrite 

Abusing my meds

And going in and pretending to be clean and sober 

I know first I need to get my meds under control

But it's just really hard 

Me and reality just do not mix well

I find day to day life boring 

Monotonous

And endlessly tedious

I mean

I get through one day

Only to start another

I get through one year

Only to find myself back at the beginning of another

And time is flying by at an alarming rate 

I really want to press pause

And stand still for a moment 

I overtake my meds 

To keep myself in a state somewhere between being awake and asleep

I love to sleep

Or at least to be sleepy

I love that feeling of being so tired that I could fall asleep at any moment

I hate being alert and wide awake

Is that my addiction speaking?

I think so

I guess the main thing is that I am ok

My health is ok

My mental health is ok

My weight is ok

My mood is ok

I am ok