The scales are following me....

We were in our hotel room the other night

After a long day of walking around the city

Our room is small for three people 

There is a double bed

For my sister and mother

And a kind of loft bed for me

Up a little ladder

Even though the room is small

It is perfectly formed 

And they have made the best use of the space

There is plenty of storage

And that what we were looking at the other night

Opening all of the drawers and cupboards 

Having a good ol' mooch

When my sister shouted 

'Look at this'

She pulled what she had found from the drawer

And set it on the ground

Yes, you've guessed it

The dreaded scales

Cue menacing music

Don don doooooon.....

God dammit

Even on my bloody holidays

I can't get away from the scales

My sister stood on it first

And let out a shriek as she registered the number

I won't tell you what it was

As she might read this

And could possibly kill me

Even though I really wanted to stand on n it too

I resisted 

But just knowing it was there

Was driving me to distraction

I tried to forget about it

I really did 

But after having a shower that night

I pulled the scales out 

Tapped it to set it 

And gingerly stood on it

The flashed

It was in kilos

I registered the number

And stood off

I gave myself a minute to gauge my reaction

Waiting for onslaught of self hatred and misery

I haven't weighed myself in about 6 weeks

The number was high

There was no doubt about that

It was a number a was not comfortable with

But to my surprise

I stayed calm and relaxed

The number didn't effect me in the way that I thought it would

There have been times in the past

When I weighed myself 

And curled up in a ball

Naked

And weeping

There have been times when I saw the number

And literally had a physical reaction to it

But today?

Today I felt

Well

Nothing

This morning 

My mother and I went to the pharmacy

To pick up a couple of things

We were just waiting for the pharmacist 

When out of the corner of my eye

I saw another set of scales 

OMG

They are everywhere!

And they are out to get me!

I ventured closer to it

And wondered if anyone would protest if I stripped there and then

And stood on it 

I figured they would 

So instead

I stood on it fully clothed

Something I hate doing

Again

I registered the number

The same as the scales in our room 

And again

Felt nothing 

This is a new revelation

And one I'm not entirely comfortable with

Because it's different

It's new 

It's change

And as well all know 

ED girls do not do very well with change 

My body image is not great however

Taking photos here has been a bit of an ordeal

Eight out of ten times

I look at a photo 

And absolutely hate it

And take it again

Until I am happy 

Or at least semi happy with it

Take yesterday 

I know I posted quite a few photos

But they were the best of a bad lot

There were so many others taken that I just couldn't beat to post

Because my face looked fat

Or my arms looked fat

Or my toes looked fat

Or something looked fat

There were photos of me with horses

Photos of me beside the pond

Many photos of me with my family 

That I just could not post

Which is sad really

But I think most people want to present the best image of themself to the world

And I am no different 

The ones I posted yesterday

Just barely made it on to my blog

I still can't look at them

I just post them 

And forget about them

Apologies for not replying to comments while I am away

Normal service will resume when I return at the weekend 

Also I need to catch up on your blogs

So I will also do that when I get home

I hope you are all doing ok

I know our community spans the whole of the ED spectrum

Some of us are still struggling

Some of us are embarking on recovery

Some of us are somewhere in between 

Some of us are anorexic

Bulimic 

EDNOS

Or a mixture of all three

We are all struggling one way or another 

All fighting for a better life

For a brighter future

And we will get there

I have so much faith in every one you

I truly do

So please 

Today be kind to you

Be gentle to you

Because you are an important and valuable person 

To your family 

Your friends 

Your blogger family here

To us and them

You are precious

Don't ever forget that